To my utter horror when I am nice to people – or when I ask for something – or when I help someone – I seem to get “awww…bless you…” with a soppy sweet smile so utterly patronising, so dripping with sweetness, I want to take immediately to my heels. Or lash out with a swift kick. This is but a tiny step from those care home carers who call every elderly person ‘dear’ – to which my answer is likely to be, ‘I’m not your dear, dear. I don’t know you. As far as I can remember you are not in my family. Nor have we to the best of my knowledge ever had sex, unless it was a very dark night. This now confirms what I have so long resisted: I am now a member of that exclusive, literally dying club or tribe: the Elders. Yet another membership to yet another Oppressed Minority.

There are many minority clubs (all oppressed to some extent) that I’m a member of. I’m pretty used to it. For example, I was or am a member of the Secular Jewish club. This is one of my best-kept secrets, or I thought it was until I was ‘spotted’ by another member recently. ‘Gee,’ she said, ‘I bet you’re Jewish!’ as she companionably took me by the arm, assuming no doubt I would lead her either to the kosher restaurant or to the altar. Shocked, I pulled away. ‘No! I am not Jewish!’ I protested. Then added, in mitigation, ‘Well, my parents were…’ ‘Silly!’ she exclaimed, delightedly grabbing more forcefully at my arm, ‘if you’re born Jewish you are Jewish!’

I did, of course, resort to extreme violence at that point and she is now buried beneath five foot of latkes.

I used to be a member of a sexuality club, too. But that was so long ago I have quite forgotten what brand it was.

Then there’s the good old liberal club with a small l. The Kennedy style liberal, committed to the equality of everyone. So passé now, I think I might let my membership lapse. My fellow members trickle off to Elysium or join the Tories. Or the Socialists. Or worse still, the Breckshitters. Leaving me with two or three wall-eyed visionaries or ex hippies lamenting the scarcity of true vegan food in Chiswick. Considering joining the Greens, but having no sandals.

The Karate club, I’m pleased to say, has given me an excuse for expressing extreme violence in safe places but my membership of that band of bemused bandits is more in doubt every day as my body falls apart.

LIST the CLUBS or TRIBES to which you belong. Here are a few of mine:

1. Little liberal
2. Secular Jewish
3. Agonised Atheist
4. Semi Buddhist
5. Crumbling Karateka
6. Wan White
7. Ok, old.
8. Weluctant Weaponista
9. Forgotten Sexuality
10. Weary writer
11. Poor Poet
12. …what else…

So many. I think I need to let

All

My subs

Lapse.