Toad Moves In!
“From now on,” Mr Toad said expansively, “this great ugly pile will be called Toad Hall. After me. Like all my huge massive best wonderful incredible fantastic best in the world businesses!” With a gesture he stopped the motorcade at the entrance of the historic mansion and clambered out of the limo to get a good view of the facade. “Those will have to go!” He gestured toward the portico, and the columns. “So darned old -fashioned! I can see we are gonna have to gut this place. Major refurb!”
Tirana Deville Toad, his latest spouse and handmaiden dressed as Jackie Kennedy, stepped elegantly out of the vehicle to join her checkbook. (We cannot yet know whether this outfit shows prescience or simply wishful thinking.) “I don’t know darrrling…” she said in her delightful Transylvanian accent, “we could just gold plate them, put some cherubs on top, and a big sign flashink, to say Toad Hall?”
“Darling,” he said, “even though you are only a woman, that’s not a bad idea for once!”
Arm-in arm the Toads sighed in amphibian harmony as they contemplated the joy of their future life. First man and First Lady! Never before had such an honour been vested in a Toad since the Republic was first founded. Oh there had been frogs, certainly! In fact a whole family of Bush Frogs had once reigned here, as had a Ray Gun, who turned out to be a damp if cuddly squib.
“No one could have a greater wife than you, and no one could be a greater husband than me. And you know what, I will do my best to make you great again! If I get a few minutes I might even pop some sperm into you, you lucky thing. And make no mistake, they will be the greatest most fantastic sperms in the whole world. They will be GRRRREAT sperm. The best ever I can assure you. They will swim for America! There will be Michael Phlipps! They will be Markle Splash! Best quality American sperms! No-one makes sperms better than me, believe me!” Then, on second thoughts he slapped her across the face. “if you’re lucky, immigrant bitch!” He hissed.
And so began the Reign of Toads, or Rain of Toad, as it is sometimes called. And what was the first thing Toad did when he got to the Oval Office? After sending the girls to the bedroom to pee on Obama’s bed. “Watch this!” He said, surrounded by the Swamp Creatures of his Cabinet. “You’ll love this,” he winked at his Secretary of State, Rexxon Mobil, “I mean no-one cares for sick poor people as much as I do. I am their best friend their greatest advocate. I even have some working for me at the lowest wages I can get away with! I love them like family! Gimme that.” He gestured toward an an official-looking document labelled “affordable care act” and it was placed before him. “Gimme that gold pen!” And with a huge, flowing, stroke of the pen, he drew a great big line though it.
His adoring creatures roared with laughter. Heil Toad! They cried. “Toad for President!” His Deputy, Mick Penis, yelled. Then, remembering, “Oh yeh you are already!”