Category: Thoughts

  • The Day After…PTSD for you and me

    (Post Trump Stress Disorder)

    A Facebook History of History

    Posts from my Facebook friends – and some of mine, too. This is a picture of the end of a horrifying night….. I wish I had the technical skill to show you all the wonderful and hilarious vids my lovely friends posted…I am sure you’ve seen a million of them! Here are a very few of the comments anyway. 

    To see MORE, friend me on Facebook

    2 hrs ·

    And yet another 9/11
    #DonaldTrump

    Jon Elkon

    2 hrs · London ·

    Watch the acceptance speech with the sound turned off!!! Wow!!!! Dripping with insincerity and bad ham acting!!!

    Jamie Catto

    1 hr · London ·

    Let’s say it plainly: Trump is an embodiment of all of our collective, denied Shadows. As long as we are kidding ourselves that ‘we’re only on a journey of light’ especially those who consider themselves to be ‘on a spiritual path’ then we’ll keep manifesting these grotesque caricatures externally to mirror to us all the parts of ourselves we’d like to pretend don’t exist.

    We Are Going To Miss You President Obama
    23 hrs · 

    Thank You so much President Barack Obama! We are really going to miss you and the First Lady. Everyone please like and share this photo and also like this page!! Thank You, Thank You!!

    The Daily Mash
    3 hrs · 

    Being an utter cock no barrier to success

    The New York Times
    1 hr · 

    “We are very probably looking at a global recession, with no end in sight,” Paul Krugman writes in The New York Times Opinion Section.

    Why is everyone against Trump and Clinton? I have no idea about politicians 🙄🙄 I don’t even follow the news!!

    Mind you the only consistent thing about DT is his lies. Expect him to renege on most of his “policies”

    Today is the start of something very frightening.

    The people of America have stepped into the abyss. The new president elect is an unstable bigot, sexual predator and compulsive liar; he is capable of anything
    THEGUARDIAN.COM|BY JONATHAN FREEDLAND

    An honour to have all of you as friends! Not a single Trump supporter amongst you. Is there?

    Like

     

    Like

     

    Love

     

    Haha

     

    Wow

     

    Sad

     

    Angry

     

    Jenny Ralph The American people will so regret this.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 3 hrs
    Jon Elkon replied · 1 Reply
    Chandrew Motee I wouldn’t say I was supporting, it’s really got nothing to do with me. I guess it’s more with people who have ties over there and obviously live there but I did see it coming from a while ago, In a way I guess I was; Funny thing though curiosity, I th…See More
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs
    Jon Elkon It has everything to do with us. Wait and see.
    Like · Reply · 35 mins
    Chandrew Motee Is this about the historical tie between both countries?
    Like · Reply · 20 mins
    The Lady (the Liberty Statue) and the Trump now are together.

    Breaking News: Donald J. Trump has been elected president of the United States, a stunning upset for an outsider who defied the political establishment.

    The American Dream #wakemefromthisnightmare
    Donald Trump: The new President of the United States of America,give him a chance to bring a change to America and to the world,just as Brexit will bring a change to the United Kingdom and to Europe.
    -The man isn’t after money as he is already a billionaire,he was considered an underdog/joke in the political arena but still he fought to the top and most importantly he has nothing to hide.Hence,that’s why he is now the president because the people have found a hero who will make a change rather than be a superficial fence sitter.Just like Brexit in the sense that what happens in the USA doesn’t affect me directly but I still wish/hope the best for the American people.I wasn’t a Trump supporter and neither a Hillary because it doesn’t concern me but I believe in the power of people and the people have choose 
    Great band
    Great song
    Not sure why it came into my head this morning. (REM – it’s the End of the World as we know it)

    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

    Heartiest Congratulations to Trump and the Republican Party for winning all Three and commanding absolute majority in US politics! Feels like Barcelona winning a Treble with Messi getting Ball d’or!

    O..M…G…, really? Am I awake? Trump in the US and soon Le Pen in France… what’s happening to the world, why vote with anger rather than with your brain…🙁

     

  • Election Daydreams….

    Map courtesy of the Guardian 7/10/16
    ELECTION DAY
    Musing on Election mourning (beware – it’s pun time!)
    Don’t predict anything! The blokie on the Today programme has just said.HC has a 4% lead in the polls. Well, pre-Brexit polls misled millions into thinking we would stay in Europe. It’s about the Hispanics in some states – they can turn things Hilarious. Whereas the so-called blue collar rust belt voters could Trump the lot. Nomenclatural Determinism, the theory that one’s name declares one’s fate, makes my heart sink in dread. A Trump, in the bourgeois card game of Bridge wins the game. An Ace of Spades trumps everything. Perhaps Hilarity is a good omen. Don’t predict anything!
    An Ace of Spades is also the death card. Hm.
    A quick summary of the system in case you don’t know: it’s not about the number of individual votes nationally, but the number of Electoral College votes. Individuals in each state vote, and their electoral college delegates then make their vote according to the outcome in the state. Each state has a number of EC delegates allocated according to their populations, so big states like California have more EC than Utah. Therefore each state  “Returns” a number of delegate votes and whoever gets the most wins. Simple. The winner needs 270 out of a total of  538 To win. Simple. Simple????
    Up for grabs – the whole election will depend on these “swing” states. Ohio usually goes for the winner. New Hampshire, shaped like a tiny erect penis. Florida is big, but because of the high number of Hispanics, may go to HC. Similar story in Arizona which flip/flops each election. Watch for those results!
    Probably blue (Democrat – HC): the biggest is California. New York is big, also Pennsylvania and Illinois. See the map for the relative number of Electoral College votes.
    Red (Rep=Trump) the biggest is Texas, West Virginia – also penis shaped – one of the smaller ones. The littlest dicks are  North Dakota and South Dakota.
    Results have started coming in already – in the tiniest corner of the tiniest electoral district HC got 17 votes to DT’s 14. Hallaballoo! (Take THAT, spellcheck) – the electoral officer was concerned: he said his district is usually much stronger for the Democrats.
    The coverage in the media if you want to watch this, the bitterest contest in history: BBC http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37842981
    I will be bopping between BBC Radio 4 (from 10pm) and World Service; BBC TV and CBS. Al Jazeera will be interesting! Russia Today are hysterically (!) pro Trump. The Chinese are anti.  Fox News, being the right testicle of Rupert Murdoch and the Rump Republicans, may get a tormented glance.
    WHY IS THIS THE UGLIEST MOST DIVISIVE NASTIEST ELECTION IN US HISTORY?
    Two words. Donald Trump. He has no limits, no filters, no responsibility. He decided to be president and so any lie, any insult, any strategy or tactic was acceptable to him. And as soon as he identified his fans and they identified with him, he picked up on their fears and hopes and just gave them the lies they wanted to hear. Are they the Deplorables, as HC has called them? Nah. Just weak, not too bright, trusting, extremely  brainwashed, ill-educated, unhappy run-of the mill bigots.
    Will they win? I promise you, if Trump wins he will not hesitate to dump them if they get in his way. Watch.
    RESULTS
    • 11 pm – first polls close
    • 12 pm – first exit polls – from Virginia and Georgia. Likely to fall to Trump.
    • 12.30 – Ohio exit polls! As I said, Ohio usually gets it right.
    • 1 am – Florida exit polls – critical for HC to win.
    • The rest will then come fast and furious. 
    • 5 am – 6 am, end game. If Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania go for Trump, it’s the end of the world as we know it…
    Trust me and the idiots like me: this is HISTORY and will shape all our lives, wherever we live.
    COVERAGE
    • BBC1 Election Night in America from 11.15
    • ITV Trump v Clinton: the result from 10.20
    • Fox News (Yuk) America’s Election HQ from 11pm
    • Sky News (39% owned by Rupert Murdoch) America Decides from 10pm
    • Al Jazeera: America Votes from 10 pm
    • For me, the backup will be BBC Radio 4 from 10 pm.
  • THE US ELECTION – AN IDIOT’S GUIDE AND COMPANION

    WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT?
    Like so many of my fellow idiots, I have been held like a rabbit in headlights by the incredible (literally) buildup to the US election. Why “idiots”? Well, most British simply shrug and say, what’s it got to do with me? There’s nothing I can do about it and it won’t affect me. And maybe they are the smart ones. They won’t be lying awake on Tuesday night glued to the BBC coverage. They won’t get ulcers. They will have a jolly Wednesday followed by lunch in the pub and a good screw in the evening. Whereas I and my fellow idiots are likely to suffer intense trauma, and if our nightmare is fulfilled, we will need in-depth treatment for PTSD by Thursday.
    IN DEFENCE OF IDIOTS
    Well, maybe the thought of squirrel-head’s finger on the nuclear trigger is what makes us idiots writhe in fear. Knowing that he is impulsive, prone to throwing tantrums if he doesn’t get his way, revengeful and has a head full of his own bloated importance, seems incapable of empathy and is by all the indicators described by psychologists,he is both sociopathic and narcissistic, maybe it’s not such a good idea to put weapons of mass destruction and armies in his hands. Knowing his business history – he started with a huge inherited fortune of I think 9 billion, now has a mere 3 left after having launched a slew of businesses which failed because of inadequate planning or leadership – maybe it’s not such a good idea to put a country’s huge economy in his hands. Knowing he does not believe in climate change and has pledged to renege on the US government’s commitment to reduce carbon emissions, maybe having him in the White House, backed up by Congress and Senate packed with climate-change deniers is not a bright idea. For the planet.
    “Idiot”, the smart people say, “he won’t be allowed to do whatever he wants! There are checks and balances! There is a civil service to hold him back. He will be forced to conform to a semblance of sanity!”. Well, being an idiot who reads history, I am aware of how Stalin, how Hitler, how Mussolini, how Idi Amin started and of course sane people say “Idiot! Now you’re seriously overdramatising!” I say, so was Cassandra. Google her if you don’t know who she was. Most people called her an idiot.
    I travel to the US on Thursday, two days after the election! SO, I propose to post a daily Idiot’s Guide to the election and it’s aftermath. I will be mainly in California and will report on the PTSD of supporters on both sides. Frankly, if squirrel-head loses, I expect riots, cries of “foul” and every tithead in America on the streets. If he wins I expect riots, cries of “immigrants out!” With concomitant attacks on anyone who looks foreign, and the likelihood that I won’t even be let into the country as, let’s face it, I do look a bit Muslim! 
    So watch this space! 
    Tomorrow, the vote! and like millions of other idiots I will be blogging Facebooking and tweeting. I can’t wait…
  • A Short Story that Isn’t…

    A Short Story that Isn’t…

    I need to unlock myself. I need the writing to flow again as it did two weeks ago. I am beginning to understand “writer’s block”. Before, not writing was just due to inertia. Laziness. Busyness. An absence of any reason to write.

    Block is different. It is all of the above plus the heavy fog of hopelessness, of what is it for, of no-one reads it, so why bother. In my low moments, I just wonder if maybe I am as ephemeral as last week’s lottery ticket. If everything I have done, everything I own, is just passing through.

    Well it is.

    There was the dreadful de- Sylvain experience. Sylvain died a year ago – and his family had stayed away from his flat, unable to face the task of sorting, selling, clearing. I offered to help – Sylvain had been important to me.

    Nuncle Sylvain: delightfully rotund, invariably cheerful. A friend of my mother’s family since the 30s when they used to lark about and swim together in the pool of the garden of mum’s grand Victorian family mansion in Parktown, Johannesburg.

    Decades later he became the husband of my favourite Aunt, Pam. He was her second husband: the first, Stan, had been controlling, abusive, unfaithful and violent. Then, after all those years, Sylvain met Pam again and she became his second wife – the first, Hilly, had died of cancer after giving birth to Graham, Laura and Jennifer, in that order.

    Pam died in 1996. Cancer. (I have written elsewhere about this amazing story – somewhere back in the blogosphere there exists romance, discovery, excitement, despair, disillusion, death…and there’s stuff written by me as well…) She had a wonderful few years with Sylvain in which they travelled the world and enjoyed his diamond wealth to the full. Eventually they moved into a one bed flat in a gloriously posh Deco mansion block in Chelsea which they filled with classy antiques, paintings and the weekly laughter of Sylvain’s children and grandchildren all of whom except Jennifer had moved to homes nearby in London. Jennifer opted for New York – her delightfully quirky personality was perfect for that city.

    Sylvain was devastated by his second wife’s death from the same disease that had deprived him of his first. But he was an erudite gentleman whose deep love of art kept him from despair. So he revived his love of painting and travelled extensively around the UK painting – sometimes with a companion, often alone. His watercolours vary from the charm of his early naif period to the later competent and occasionally mysterious and exceptional portrayals of bizarre landscapes, or deeply mysterious stairways or tortured trees.

    I think there came a time when he felt as if he had done it. Achieved whatever heights he was ever likely to reach in the medium. Depression lurked in dark corners.

    Concerned and fearing he was falling into depression, I suggested – insisted – he write an autobiography. “Your duty to your children and grandchildren!”

    To my great relief, eventually he began and as the project progressed he began to get more into the craft of writing. Possessed by a pedantic determination to perfect his style, he barraged me with extracts and chapters. I was careful to give him the right mix of encouragement and criticism. Not easy! I did, fortunately, partially cure him of excessive subordinate clauses and concatenations of commas…if only I could do that for my own writing….

    Eventually the book was finished and edited with a certain amount of delicacy and tact by me. We found an excellent service, Print-on Demand at Blackwells bookshop and produced copies for the whole family. The title was Before you Knew Me. My dear friend Axe designed a delightful cover. We were proud of our product.

    Hiatus set in. Post-coital despair. Ok so now I am beginning to sound like a narcissistic control freak – So I suggested he keep writing. Short stories. “You have SO many stories! Fact and fiction!”

    And he did. By this time I had discovered Amazon and Kindle, and was beginning to publish my own books online so when he’d written sufficient stories for a book, we used Amazon to make them available to the world with Graham’s invaluable technical help. Sylvain designed the jackets himself and this first book entitled “Its Always Sunny in the Suburbs” tumbled out into the world wide web like a flea into a horse’s hair. “At last!” He said, “I am a published author!”

    The stories, like his paintings, vary from the naif to the brilliant. He has a great talent for description as well as for plot. He transports the reader without any apparent artifice right back to the thirties or the fifties. To New York or Moscow or London or Johannesburg. You can smell the cigar smoke and taste the brandy. His South African Apartheid era tales are as real as I am. The language he uses is beautifully correct and classically constructed, yet immediately accessible. The tales are comic, or tragic, or all three. Many are part of me, hard to separate some if his stories from my memories of my own.

    I suppose he expected to become an instant viral hit. Of course that didn’t happen. Self-publishing on the web without a presence on Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and LinkedIn and WhatsApp and whatall is a fart in a snowstorm. So he did it again. In his Chelsea eyrie, he merrily churned out more and more stories and they flew at me on paper and digitally together with his demands to read, comment, amend.

    The second collection, called “The Hypnotist” was completed and Kindled. This collection shows tremendous progress as a writer – his voice is already fully developed – that of an avuncular, charming, wise companion straight out of Agatha Christie. If you were to be sat next to him on the Orient Express all the way from Vienna to St Petersburg you wouldn’t have even a second of boredom.

    He started work on the third. Working title, “Up in Smoke”.

    Then he got ill.

    It started with a brown mole on his ear. A concerned GP had a biopsy done and yes, it was a malignant melanoma. They cut that part of his ear off.

    But the cancer had not finished with him. Into his lymph nodes it plunged. Not content with having destroyed both of the women he had loved, the beast feasted on the man himself.

    I cannot understand why people believe in a loving god.

    Despite the illness he completed Book 3. But tormented by the treatment, he couldn’t face designing the cover. The collection sat on the back burner, while he struggled on to produce book 4 between the grind of radiotherapy and chemicals which ripped unto his system destroying, destroying like a frantic firefighter in a burning house with an axe. Entitled, with a kind of dull irony, “Full Circle” the stories in this volume are distinctly darker. There is menace and danger, and yet his Favourite Uncle sense of humour still leaps out and catches the reader.

    By the time the beast was sated, Sylvain’s fine mind was eroding.

    And so he died almost a year ago. Invited to the tombstone unveiling ceremony I made my offer again and a week later found myself with Graham, Laura and Jennifer, as well as his grandson Gavin, in that flat packed with its memories. Unchanged from the days when I visited to read manuscripts, or go to lunch with my delightful Nuncle. (I called him Nuncle because he was not an uncle by blood)…nuncle could hold an erudite opinion on anything. Politics, philosophy art…a fantastically wide-ranging and deeply well-read autodidact, a pleasure to be with…memories everywhere in those rooms, as if he’d just stepped out…

    I had dreaded the experience. I imagined his children and grandchildren overwhelmed by the range of goods and possessions in there, redolent with his thoughts, ideas, his dna sticking like an invisible aura to everything.

    But there was very little emotion – visible anyway. Yes his children had their own thoughts, nursed and sometimes shared their own memories. But there was so much STUFF! I think there were fifty shirts – some still in their original wrapping. Socks! How many goddam socks can a man use???!!! Ties, drawers of scarves. Cufflinks. All the accoutrements of the fifties Gentleman About Town. Coats…suits…all good stuff. Charities were called and finally one agreed to pick up and we began to fill crates with STUFF. The kitchen! Never have I seen so many pots and pans, spices, tins of anything, pasta, rice…He had loved cooking and his rotundity had been well earned by decades of fine dining, both at home and in restaurants.

    So the project became, how to get rid of the STUFF.

    Including the antiques and the paintings – around a hundred of his own watercolours, a mere thirty or so framed and on the walls. Then, a small collection of rather good oil paintings by someone famous, I don’t know who. And someone else famous too. The fellow from Christie’s got fairly excited. But, of course, sneered at the antique furniture. “There’s just no market for Brown,” he said with a sigh, “it’s all too big, just so out of fashion…”

    “My house is full”, his children chorused.

    “So is mine,” I said sadly. Although I did accept two framed photographs, one of Sylvain and Pam and a rather glam black and white picture of Pam doing her Greta Garbo impression, as well as a couple of ornaments that reminded me of her. I laid claim to one of his better watercolours too, which I am sure I will receive some time…but my house is full!

    And so the refrain became, what are we going to do with all this STUFF.

    His life, his fascinating, adventurous, diamond-dealing, globe trotting, loving and losing, wonderfully well-read and opinionated, charmingly humorous, music loving, LIFE!….WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS STUFF……?

    I don’t blame his family, they will always have their memories. And the books, too. The autobiography – I know they will keep that precious. And I am determined to publish the last two collections of short stories on both Kindle and paperback. Graham will help.

    But then that thought smacked me in the face…what will happen to my STUFF when I die? Someone will find it such a nuisance to dispose of. And when that Brown furniture hits the charity shop or the dump, the dna I have left all over that wonderful George I Chest of drawers or the paintings or the tsatskes I rescued from Sylvain’s flat will stick like an invisible aura, a miasma of me, undetectable by anyone passing in a rush to get stuff…

    And all my writing too.

    Who will love it?

    You?

     

    So many words…poems stories books cries in the night and hysterical laughter too…

    All written because I love you! Especially if you read this whole piece to the end…

    IDEA: I am going to hide little notes in deep dark corners of the things I have loved. Just a few words about what I know of their history, and what they show about me. Immortality is a delusion; but as my mom once said, “all I want to do is draw a line on the sand. So what if the sea takes it away…”

    “Its Always Sunny in the Suburbs” and “The Hypnotist” are both available now on Amazon Kindle. Highly recommended. Shortly to be published in paperback. “Up in Smoke” and “Full Circle” will be published in both formats in the new year.

  • A Beautiful Sail…

    A Beautiful Sail…

    Barquing up the Right Tree
    When I was eight, I painted a moonlit scene using watercolours and gouache. A ship, becalmed. The moon lying huge on the horizon, its reflection linking ship and moon like the silvered undulating road between birth and eternity. In my memory the picture is perfect…and when my art teacher (Her name was Barbara Driman, I think. Her house was at the top of Whitely Road in Johannesburg. She was an artist who taught kids Art in the afternoons, so that their mummies could play bridge.) held her annual exhibition of kiddie work, it sold immediately. Somewhere in Johannesburg this legendary picture may still adorn a wall.
    And yesterday evening, I saw it. Not the picture – the real scene, exactly as it exists in my memory. From the deck of a three-masted barque, the STS Lord Nelson. And I was smitten.
    The Lord Nelson is not a pretty sailing ship. It is a three masted Barque, tall and elegant for sure. But the deck housings are too big; the bowsprit is a strange berailed metal thing that sticks out like half of a miniature train line. There is no figurehead to keep an eye out for rocks. The hull is metal, the masts and spars mostly aluminium.
    But it is beautiful.
    This is a ship that goes straight to the heart. Built for the Jubilee Sailing Trust in 1984 specifically to provide a sailing experience to people with a range of disabilities. That bowsprit, for example, is designed so that a wheelchair can be pushed out there and its occupant can be delighted by that “I am the Ruler of the World” experience DiCaprio acted so well in Titanic. The interior, too, is designed for wheelchairs. There are lifts on the main stairwells and the passageways are especially wide.
    On deck the handrails have braille notices, so that a blind or partially sighted sailor can find his or her way around.
    The old hands – people who have been on many voyages with crews including many disabled – tell stories of partially sighted people climbing merrily up masts to swaying spars high above heaving seas; of hoisting wheelchairs up to the crow’s nest with a delighted occupant  – of the massive contribution disabled crew members make to the running of the ship from cleaning (“happy hour”) to raising and lowering sails, to navigation and steering. The effects can be imagined, on self esteem as well as fitness.
    A voyage on a JST tall ship changes lives.
    There are two ships maintained and sailed by the Trust – the Lord Nelson and Tenacious. These magical vessels have been all over the world, have weathered the Bay of Biscay and Cape Horn too, travel regularly to the Canaries and the Trust has a major presence in Australia. Both ships participate in a range of Tall Ship events, and will soon be off to Canada to participate in a series of adventure voyages to celebrate Canada’s 150th anniversary.
    Here comes the inevitable plug: maintaining and running these ships takes a great deal of money, which is raised by a variety of means. Donations of course (see jst.org.uk), events held all over the country and you too can sail on either ship for a price! Absolutely worth it for the rich experience and unique excitement of life aboard a beautiful sailing ship as well as the chance to meet wonderful people both able bodied and disabled.
    The Lord Nelson: One of the world’s most beautiful sailing ships crewed, maintained and financed by beautiful people. I can’t wait to go for a much longer sail….it’s in my DNA….Join me?
  • TEACHER WORKLOAD – the correspondence!

    Hello dear colleagues and ex colleagues. Instead of my hysterical satirical blog, here is the sad and lonely History of the Failure of the Workload Challenge and my participation in it. Read how Nicky Morgan and I were like THAT; how the good intentions of the civil servants in the DFEE were undermined by politics; how we are today almost exactly where we started in 2014… 

     

    NOTE: When reading apparently grovelling sweetness and willingness to engage etc, please forgive my attempt to use child psychology on the  Rulers of the Roost.

    E-mail to to Nicky Morgan on her appointment 2014

    Encouragement to read this: 16 years in business, 22 years in teaching in a single sex VA C of E comp and in an inner-city comprehensive serving one of the most deprived areas of London;  I have a consistent record of superb results, have received a Teacher’s Award, hit a 2 on the ALPS scale for my A2 group, an Enterprising Teacher Award etc etc etc. My attendance/punctuality is close to 100%. Therefore. Boast. Boast.Will retire soon.

    1) The Financial Issue: Take all financial issues out of schools for example:

    1. a) Take the ridiculous burden of running a budget off Department Heads. All exercise books, textbooks etc can be ordered centrally within a school or a consortium of schools. A school bursar is a good idea. A department head is not a businessman/woman. He/she is a teacher. This way schools take advantage of economies of scale! – meaning the books, stationery etc are cheaper per unit when ordered in quantity. A person ordering centrally can make sure they get a good deal.  The absurdity of a Department Head finding money left in the budget in March spending it frantically on useless things to ensure he/she gets the same amount or more in the next financial year wouldn’t occur any more saving time and money. It’s simple.
    1. b) Take the burden of financial management away from Head Teachers and devolve it to either local authorities or the DFEE. Headteachers are teachers not CEOs. Let them manage teachers not a business. Where does this leave the Academy programme? Where indeed. I have seen three head teachers being terribly burdened by the responsibilities and constraints of finance, spending money on useless things, being left with insufficient money to retain good staff.

    2) Assessment:

    1. a) Most schools are madly overburdened by people checking people who are checking people. If teachers achieve good results leave them alone to run their kingdoms. If they don’t, don’t! Which brings up
    1. b) OFSTED – obviously crying out for reform and simplification. Much of the burden on teachers arises from terror of OFSTED. And I do mean terror.

    3) BTEC involves teachers in a massive overbearing mark load. Frankly the whole qualification is a Pearson Plot to maximise their income. BTEC has a limited value for some students but in many schools low ability students are forced into the qualification purely to make up the numbers in Sixth Form which has a financial benefit on their budgets. Bring in much higher requirements for students doing BTEC and cut by 1/3. Make up for this by true vocational qualifications in plumbing, plastering, bricklaying, computer programming, and the other areas in which we will need workers in the next decade.

    4) Time:

    1. d) Useless activities such as the PDR process put teachers under massive pressure to meet targets, many of which are based on ridiculous ‘predicted grades’ which don’t take into account the extent to which pupils change from KS2 to KS5, the fact that they may have problems at home, are doing drugs or alcohol, have just broken up with their girlfriends…teachers are blamed for pupils’ poor performance! Which impacts on pay. Solution? Teachers whose students consistently under perform, new teachers, should indeed have to be monitored. Not ALL teachers. Leave experienced teachers with good results alone to run their kingdoms. A manager in my school said ‘I can’t give you special treatment’ – why not? Repetition: I have a consistent record of superb results, have received a Teacher’s Award, hit a 2 on the ALPS scale for my A2 group, an Enterprising Teacher Award etc etc etc. My attendance/punctuality is close to 100%. Therefore. Boast. Boast.

    The assumption that teachers are skivers, moaners and work shy is simply not true. Ok, there may be 3% who are. The vast majority are committed, professional, dedicated, get all their joy from the success of their pupils. We are also massively stressed, vastly overburdened, many have become alcoholics, etc, and the truth of this is proven by the scary drop-out rate of new teachers.

    SEE  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_X_and_Theory_Y  

    Plenty more. Put a group of experienced teachers together in a Focus Group. Maybe made up of Teaching Award alumni (one of Pearson’s better activities, as sponsors). Include me. If the Conservatives win the next election prove to the electorate that you understand that good happy teachers = good happy pupils. One more goalpost move should do it. Then no more please for 5 years. The era of the Govation of schools based on Theory X needs to go. Theory Y will, with intelligent committed people, work far better for everyone concerned.

    1. a) Marking: The Teachers’ Conditions decree the number of hours which must be spent on X, Y and Z. But not useless exercise book marking (despite the ‘myth busting’ document -precisely what is meant by ‘Deep Marking’????) Out-of statutory hours marking is a massive burden with the constant moving of goalposts responsible for a massive amount of stress. I spend at least three days of every half term catching up and two weeks of the Summer break so don’t give me that ‘long holidays’ nonsense.
    1. b) Extracurricular activities: we all give our all and much more, running after school clubs, coursework catchup sessions, trips…
    1. c) Duties: As a result of a recent consultation at our school the absurdity of five teachers standing outside the school gates before and after school, three in the quad, eight in the playground etc has receded. I am sure there are many schools in which teachers do far too many duties, further cutting their time for marking etc.

    Your sinseriously

    Jon

    Nicky replied:

    17 Nov 2014

    Dear Jon,

    Thank you very much for taking the time to write in to the workload challenge and for being one of the first to respond. As you can see, your email has certainly been read and we are responding personally to the vast majority of emails we have received in the ‘workload.solutions’ inbox. It is clear from your response that you are passionate about teaching and improving life chances for your pupils. You have also very helpfully added your solutions to each identified problem: thank you. Can I reassure you that we value and appreciate the dedication, commitment, professionalism and hard work of all of our teachers who are delivering high-quality education to their pupils. We can understand that you feel angry about the amount of time you believe you spend in unnecessary tasks and we are sorry that you have such a heavy workload. This is exactly why we want to take action to help the situation and to enable you as a professional to be able to make decisions that will affect the outcomes for the children in our schools – our future.

    The specific details you have given will help paint a picture of teacher workload across the country. The results will be considered by us and a new ‘Sector Challenge Panel’ made up of teachers and school leaders. This panel will help us to develop a programme of action which will be published early next year. We are committed to working with teachers to find solutions and share good practice to address unnecessary workload.  I can assure you that we will act on the findings from the ‘Workload Challenge’.

    We would like to post some anonymised quotes and examples on the Workload Challenge website, making sure that no one person can be identified. We may decide to use some of your email. Please let us know if you would not like your words used in this way.

    Thank you again for sending us your views,

    Nicky Morgan, Secretary of State for Education and David Laws, Minister of State for Schools

     

    I REPLIED:

     9 Nov 2014

    Dear Nicky

    Well I am pleased it WAS read and this is not a token exercise. As I said, I would be happy to help in the process of reducing workload at any level. If you would like me to participate in the Panel, workload permitting, I’d be delighted.

    I have now taken the opportunity to opt for semi-retirement which means I work three days. In school! I have, alas, discovered that it is impossible to do everything I have to do in the three days and will be working at least four. Help! It’s the youngsters, new entrants into the profession we need to think about. How do we make sure they don’t leave? I am currently also working as an Associate Lecturer at Middlesex University, working with PGCE students once a fortnight.(I forgot to mention I have been an in-school mentor for PGCE students for around 20 years) I happily took on this commitment when I went to three days. Not my best decision from a workload point of view. But they are so bright and bushy tailed, so keen to get into the profession and make a difference. Working with them is a great pleasure.

    Make sure they’re still in it in five years time, please?

     

    THEN:

    6 Jan 2015

    Dear John,

    In your response to the recent workload challenge survey you indicated that you would like to continue your participation in the challenge.

    We are convening two focus groups to consider suggestions for solutions to workload issues and as well as providing an opportunity for you to comment on the policy proposals currently being developed. We would like to invite you to one of these groups which are being held in:

    Sheffield (DfE, St Paul’s Place) on Tuesday 20 January, 2-4pm

    London (DfE, Sanctuary Buildings) on Wednesday 21 January 2-4pm

    If you would like to be involved and you would be happy to work as part of a constructive, positive group, please reply to this email by the end of Monday 12 January at the latest, stating which group you would like to attend, or if either date and location is possible.

    Please note we are inviting you in your own right rather than as a representative of a school, union or any other group. Please also let us know if you are not able, or do not wish, to attend.

    If you accept, please also complete the attached information sheet and return it so that we have your full contact details. We will send out more details of the meeting once we have heard from you. We are able to pay for standard travel to the event and supply cover expenses (up to one day) if necessary.

    There may also be further opportunities to be involved in developing solutions for workload issues in the future, and we will keep you informed of these as they come up.

    Many thanks, and looking forward to hearing from you by Monday.

    Kind regards

    Philip

    I said YEH! You betcha! And sent Nicky an email

    21 Jan 2015

    Dear Nicky

    I am about to go to Sanctuary Blgs as part of the Focus Group, so thanks for the opportunity to contribute.

    I took the day off school in order to look carefully through the documents and look at the approaches of other bodies inc Unions etc. I have also collated my own research from my school as well as contacts through Teacher Awards, the Union, colleagues and contacts in other schools etc. I have a huge amount to say and contribute – as have so many others – my concern is I may not be able to feed back an idea I have had, so I would like to share it with you in advance. There won’t be enough time this afternoon for everybody to have a say.

    OFSTED is listed by everybody as a huge cause of stress and increase in workload. Part of the solution is to change their remit and conduct a root and branch reform, so that teachers do not regard an inspection as a hindrance and impediment to their teaching. Make a major part of their remit reporting on teacher motivation and workload. With follow-up visits scheduled for schools which don’t meet standards for managing workload effectively. They need to be seen as contributing to motivation, not the opposite as is currently the case. Their visit would include interviews with teachers, with HR  as well as the SLT and head teacher. The HR interview would require a good look at the leaving interview minutes. A key indicator would be staff turnover. A measure of Motivation can be devised and introduced. Maybe change the name of OFSTED, to get rid of the negative connotations. (How about OFIE Office of the Improvement of Education – no, too much like OFFY…which I suppose is fairly funny and friendly…)

    Nicky, good performance arises out of high teacher motivation, low staff turnover, an effective and supportive management structure, simple appraisal and reporting procedures and marking in proportion with the requirements for enhancing learning.

    The situation is desperate – on Monday I was lecturing PGCE students at Middlesex Uni and in my discussion with their course tutor he revealed that he has never, in all his years in his position, known such a decline in the number of graduates wanting to do the PGCE course. He was at a recruitment fair – in past years he didn’t stop talking to and explaining to prospective teachers. This year people who wanted to talk to him could be counted on the fingers of one finger.

    The situation is desperate – teachers are falling over each other in their desperation to leave the profession.

    The situation is desperate – no need to conduct any further surveys, there is a huge amount of data available, there just isn’t time for prevarication – It’s the kids who suffer.

    Sadly, Mr G has side-swiped and smacked the profession across the face. Then, leaving everything in tatters, off he goes, and there you are. There are votes in fixing this. Mine, for one. …but you know all this….

    If you’re in London at Sanctuary House pop in to the meeting and say hello. I presume you would have done this anyway. If not, happy to meet with you any time and help.

    Love and kisses

    Jon

    12 Jan 2015

    Hi Jon,

    Thank you for letting us know, pleased that you can make it. I can confirm your place at the focus group in London on 21 January, and once we have finalised group numbers we will send round further information later this week.

    Best wishes,

    Philip

    And then, finally, months later, at last, published in TES and all over the place, with gurning pictures of Nick Clegg (yes, his role in smacking students in the face is well known) and Nicky babe: The FINDINGS

    See:

    https://www.tes.com/news/school-news/breaking-news/teacher-workload-challenge-your-a-glance-guide-final-recommendations

     

    …aftershock!

    8 Feb 2015

    Dear Stephen and team

    When I met all you wonderful people on the Focus Group at the DFE and read the draft documents I really believed here was a sincere attempt to tackle the problem. I’ve now looked at the recommendations and while they will help in the long term, there are no solutions presented for the day-to day stress created by the excessive workload which has caused the crisis in teacher motivation, the high staff turnover, the floods of people leaving the profession and the fall in recruitment of new teachers. We are in crisis for heaven’s sake. I thought that the DFE had finally recognised the need to take some action. I agreed with almost everything in the draft. The research was comprehensive and the analysis absolutely accurate.  I awaited the recommendations with an optimism I haven’t felt about my profession for years. And what came out of this excellent process?

    1. A) Minimum lead times for reforms – nothing new there, Nicky Morgan promised a moratorium on reforms when she took over – it’s the reforms we are implementing now that are driving us crazy.
    1. B) No changes in the OFSTED framework – that will help, but the real workload issue is the fear of an inspection and the hyper-preparation that takes place in every school with bizarre making audits, observations, masses of paperwork and data analysis.
    1. C) Engagement with Head Teachers – great stuff, but refer to the actual workload implications of the reforms and how they can be tackled holistically on the ground, in each school.
    1. D) Ofsted ‘reviewing clarification document’ – all very well but there is a massive variation between teams of inspectors in what they do and do not want to see. I believe firmly that many of them are unaware of the clarification document.
    1. E) Shorter inspections for good schools – great! But an inspection is an inspection and ANY inspection causes fear and paranoia amongst head teachers who will always require staff to over-prepare.
    1. F) Evidence base of good classroom practice – very helpful for some teachers but in some schools these resources will become prescriptive and will be rigidly enforced and teachers observed causing MORE workload and stress.

    Am I to suspect that the dread hand of the politicians has  slammed down on any solutions that may show any level of compassion or sympathy for the plight of teachers?  Frankly, there are more votes in teacher-bashing than there are in supporting those professionals who are responsible for the happiness and success of our children and ultimately for the future of our country. An opportunity missed.

    WHAT WE NEEDED: 

    1:OFSTED reformed! With a requirement to measure teacher job-satisfaction and workload against agreed national criteria and recommend changes.

    2: Schools to audit workload, identify where excessive marking and duplication and bureaucracy can be cut down. This needs to involve all staff and be the focus of CPD for at least six months.

    3: Schools report back to the DFE on staff turnover with reasons based on exit interviews conducted by an external person(!) (Needs careful consideration…)

    4: Trust the teachers! MOST of us are not workshy skivers with a confrontation-based mentality, we just want our students to do well and be happy, our local and national community to benefit. To do this we want to have the time to prepare and deliver excellent lessons, do marking that genuinely helps the pupils to progress, and to have time, with all this, to have a decent work-life balance. Trust the teachers! We take our greatest pleasure in the achievement of others. It’s the best job in the world. Don’t let us down.

    Don’t let us down! If you do, you’re letting the children down. We need SMART targets for reducing workload right now. In every school. And a framework in which to enact them.

    Love, kisses

    Jon

    Yeh yeh yeh….and that’s that folks. Little or no change. No sense. Nonsense. And since then, “all schools to become Academies” thank goodness, defeated by the Unions, and a furious electorate. Nicky went a bit crazy so was replaced by Ms Greening in the new May government. Will she be more amenable to the Real World? Time will tell. The next battle, of course is May’s idiot Grammar School initiative. More social engineering from the party who gave us Austerity, and the assault on the welfare state….

     

    And so back to my Barking Blog: THIS time, no escape from the story of my becoming NUT Union Rep…going NUTs!

     

     

     

  • Part 8.5: Sex! Lies, Toads, Fate…

    Part 8.5: Sex! Lies, Toads, Fate…

    Warning: this episode is written as a sex blog. If you are likely to be offended, please read on. This work of so-called fiction includes a satirical portrait of the writer, so if you have been offended by previous episodes you will imagine you have had your revenge. Well it’s worth a try. Please don’t sue me while I’m alive. Or I’ll haunt your ass.

    ALERT: Webmaster: this blog has just overstepped the bounds of Taste and Decency. Moderate the language or I’ll close you down.

    Ok ok! Whatever you say. ((Psst: Dear reader: From now on in this piece, always replace the word ‘work’ with the word ‘wank’, in your mind and this will help you to put the life of the teacher into a context. And prevent me getting into Big Trouble with Big Brother.))

    Reboot: Reducing the Workload. A non-pornographic story which, based on facts, will illumine your life…

    Introducing the hero of this tale: Jonas Egghorn (which is the name he insists Starbucks write on his cup of tall dry cappuccino without chocolate).  A teacher on the good ship FaitchEss for many years, he survived somehow by pretending to teach Business Studies, aka Not Brain Surgery. Or Not Rocket Science. What he was actually doing was using the pupils to make shitloads of money via a variety of convoluted scams including the Great Financial Crash of 2008, which netted him and his pupils around 20bn Rupees. He referred to this as “Enterprise” and funded several awards for himself, as he has a stonking great ego.

    One of the awards necessitated a visit to Downing Street to meet the Cameron himself, a former ruler of the realm, quite forgotten now of course. And the Toad Gove. Of whom more anon. This grand bash at No 10 cost his Young Enterprise company an arm and a leg, both of which were necessary for a transplant so that the Coalition, as it was then called, would have a Leg to Stand on.

    (Incidentally, Jonas’ sexuality has long been a subject of gossip in the tiny cupboards scattered over the school, referred to as “the Staffroom”. He calls himself an “Ex-sexual” and when asked what brand he replies “No idea. So long ago I have quite forgotten.” It is probable that he is lying as several mongrel dogs may attest if they could speak or walk straight.)

    Jonas was also a bit of a Martial Artist, or Nerd. His Nerdism, which is a serious illness which infects many of those people who have had a broken childhood, expressed itself regularly in miming dealing out extreme violence to others. Nobody thought to close down his school club because those pupils who attended were much safer off the streets. And the blood could be cleared up by professionals. And several Bad Boys were in fact repaired of their badness by their development of the ability to murder each other, and went on to brilliant careers as hitmen.

    Hrrrrrragh! Was what he called his “keai” which is what he would yell whenever miming an especially lethal move, or was emotionally engaged, or had a particularly good -uh- work.

    On with the story.

    But before that happens, a bit more sex. Here we have to (for our Straight readers, ie those who are not teachers) give just a little more background, and describe the Effect of the Little Fucker, and how Govination brought the whole of education to the brink of extinction.

    ‘Twas brillig, and the Slimy Gove/ Did gyre and gimble in the wabe’, as Lewis Carroll would have said if he was born a hundred years later.

    The appointment of the Little Fucker as Ed Sec was the most dire of days for pupils and teachers ever since the birth of Lewis Carroll in 1832. (Ok pedant YOU Google him.) This priapic toad, equipped with a large scythe, was empowered by PM Cameron to Deal With the Education Question  in whatsoever way he thought appropriate to increase the Tory Majority in the next election.

    If you want to know how this barrage of bullshit (working)  happens, read and study Part 3 – Dix’s Last Stand, in which I explain the dreadful DofE, the Toad Gove and his minions, the Inspectocrats of OFSTED and HMI and the whole panoply of the Evil Empire of Amateur “Educationalists” who run the teaching and learning from the Government – without, of course, the foggiest idea as to what happens in classrooms, as they last saw the interior of a school (Eton) in 1977. Mind you a few of the Inspectors themselves are humans. I know some personally who have a genuine mission to improve schools, to remove inequality, to help teachers to do their job better. They do a great job. A pity the government doesn’t make more use of their small human contingent. Or ask them. Or listen to them.

    Teachers are the victims of politics. It’s simple: parents need someone to blame for their children being out of control, or not performing academically, or having spots, or having sex – anyone but themselves. So they love to blame schools and teachers. Politicians therefore only have to promise to change schools or education in some way in order to garner shitloads of votes. All change please! At last! Parents cry, At last! Something is being done to take the blame off us for our kids being out of control. And teachers make great victims! Listen: many politicians and parents have an image of the teacher as Someone Who Made Me Do Things I Didn’t Want to do when I was a kid, i.e purveyors of misery. Older people remember being beaten by some sadistic pedant with a cane or, in my case, a knuckleduster. So making changes in school or in curriculums or in funding or bureaucracy is hugely popular.  So as soon as any political party sees it’s slipping in the polls it smacks the teachers.

    After all those bastards have those loooong holidays! Easy lives! They’re always going on strike! They have short days long nights and are always moaning! Give them more to do! More! 

    One day Jonas realised that there was just far too much – uh – work. He saw that as a Lead Teacher (they used to call the role Head of Department. This was changed by the Gove in order to irritate and annoy.)  he could just no longer manage the pile of paper the volume of emails (work!) the clatter of crap onto his desk the deadlines the lifelines the demands the (work) requests the appeals the PLANNING  the producing the displaying the presenting the (work!)  pastoraling the rescuing the wiping of tears of himself and others the spelling the grammar the punctuation and worst of all, the POLICIES the parents the (work!)  four p’s which are now seven, the MARKING the motivating the REPORTING the statisticing the grovelling the lying the BTEC ing the Blasted BTEC the horrible BTEC the MARKING (again and again) the DISCIPLINING the mentoring  the INSPECTION the hours the days the nights the minutes the stomach the stress the stress the stress the stress the work work work all the working all the people…(keeping up?) –

    Hrrrrrragh!

    When you have 181% required of you in 100% of the time, you have to choose precisely what to do. So you skip those things you think you can get away with skipping. Which is fine, until Management decides not to like you and starts looking at what you haven’t done. Jonas had decided to put pupils first. A dangerous idea. To test this, he put random swearwords in the Department Development Plan, speckled and sprinkled throughout as if written by a Tourette’s sufferer. No reaction. Patently, his Line Manager regarded reading the damn thing as beyond his 100%, so it was safe just to fill the document up with short stories copied and pasted from the net.

    Hrrrrrragh!!!!!!

    In other words, Workload. (Are you pronouncing it correctly?)

    So he resigned as Lead Teacher. No longer a TLR 2b, it was as if the entire weight of the world had fallen on the IRA!

    Clarification: the poor innocent landed with the job was not, nor has ever been a member of the Irish Republican Army, Real or illusory, even though he was a Catholic from Belfast. Landed by his parents with the name Ian Reginald Adams, the poor lad was extremely fluffy-tailed but because his ancestors had made their living hiding from the British, he had circumspection in his genes. Continuously in terror at being found out, he always wore a balaclava and when one wasn’t available, a full niqab. Thus attired, he proceeded to work his ass off building the department into a Beautiful Thing.

    Jonas was not the only one to notice that job was no longer possible, desirable, manageable or fun. 

    Saturation! Totally fed up with having to do all this working teachers began leaving the profession in droves, in swarms, in cohorts, in carriages cars busses on horseback, in a huff. The collective noun for teachers is a Frustration of Teachers. No more no more! They cried. The sound of educators cracking up echoed across the land.

    Even the bright young things entering the job all dewy eyed and embroiled in their cute little desire to “give something back”, or “do something for the community” or “help those less fortunate than myself” managed at best three years and then, crack! Exit! A job at Tesco’s. Or sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Or booked into the Priory to be disabused of extreme substances. Or all twelve.

    The Old Stagers were heading for the earliest retirement their pensions allowed.

    And then finally on a sunny morning, we woke up to Gove Gone! Gove was a Was Gove! A Had it Gove! A hand-in Gove! Fired!!! Dave the Rave Cameron had finally realised how hated the Toad was, how he had finally irrevocably and utterly fucked the education system…

    (Where’s the sex, I hear you ask. This was sold as a sex blog! There isn’t time for sex. Which is why most teachers are exsexuals. Ok I admit there’s a bit of groping in the Head’s office but that’s just the SLT meetings. Actually I’ve drawn you in on false premises. But now you’ve read this far you may as well continue)

    And then, behold: with Gove gone (Nov 2014) the new edsec was and is Nicky Fata Mogana who, being a new broom, contemplated the shattered remains of the ruin of education the Toad had wrought and was instructed to sweep up. “The voters are beginning to notice,” Dick Cameron said, “for heavens sake Nicky, appear to do something! An erection approaches. A Pubic Erection, no less. Make nice with the teachers. The smell of the corpses is putting voters off “

    It was at this point Jonas decided that despair was not enough, only action would satisfy – and he wrote his famous email to the Secretary of State, explaining, summarising, and baring his soul. And basically, (the worm) begging for help and understanding.(the fooll).

    And she replied. Click here for the correspondence. If you are too lazy, I sum it up

    ((DARN! No-one has taught me how to hyperlink to a word doc. I uploaded it to the website but can’t find how to link it. Tuff. Sorry. Will find out and do it for you NEXT TIME. It’s bloody good, promise.))

    Jonas: now da little fucker is gone, fix this broken thing and here’s how

    Nicky Fata Morgana: I’m on it!

    …and thus was born the ‘Workload Challenge’! Well, Jonas can’t actually claim the credit for initiating this devastatingly wonderful idea. They have Civil Servants for that. But maybe…a little seed planted grows into a Work Tree.

     

    NEXT EXCITING EPISODE: More sex! Really!…and maybe finally we get to GOING NUTS.

  • Part 7.5 – The Ship in a State

    Note: for people who may be of a classical turn of mind, this chapter is written as Baroque Opera.

    The set: think Pirates of the Caribbean; think Johnny Depp…a large and sea-stained galleon, hawsers securing this hulk awkwardly to a filthy quay, riddled with rats and orphans. There can be no doubt the SS Feather is a sorry sight. Shot full of holes from her many battles (both internal and external) she would, were she ever to attempt to set sail, sink in even the calmest of seas. Her sails are mere threads clinging to worm-eaten masts. Everywhere there is evidence of neglect, and the “Outstanding” banner nailed to the remains of the mizzen mast as a pennant does nothing to enhance the general air of eccentric dishabille.

    On the quay hawkers sell decapitated salmon and perch, singing their traditional songs “Rotting Fish Full of Pish/ a Fiver gets you your Death Wish”. (The fish are not doing the singing. The hawkers are.) Prostitutes of all genders hawk their wares singing their traditional songs, “Fresh syphilis! Special price, this week only. Herpes free with every me!”

    In the last act the previous Captain, in a heartrending finale, was forced to walk the plank. The crew – a mutinous bunch on the whole, but also containing several of the sleeping and the dead, knew that the new Captain (bass) would bring Changes in the key of C.

    Act 2: Scene 1

    The Captain calls the crew to a meeting in the waist of the ship. “Behold!” He sings (many Baroque operas start with some god or goddess or shepherd jumping into centre stage and singing “behold!”  A great example being Handel’s Semele. The High Priest sings, “Behold! Auspicious Flames arise!” He is, I think, sacrificing the heroine on a burning pyre.) “Behold!” Sings the Captain, “Auspicious flames arise!” Pointing to the pyre on the poopdeck upon which the previous captain, Terror Dix, burned merrily. Yes I know I said she was forced to walk the plank. What the hell. You decide.

    “Too long, too long!” He trilled, (recitative) “there will be changes made!

    By Dix betrayed/ Trust me – /This ship will hit/ The Sea!

    ….the buggers at the Borough have dictated our captainship policies for ages and it’s now time to escape this so-called safe harbour, and set out!”

    From his kennel on the main deck, the Quartermaster (soprano) piped (recitative) “do you mean Brexit my capitain? / To set our sail for the Spanish Main?” The quartermaster, it must be said, also known as the Thin Controller, was responsible for Infrastructure, extrastructure, superstructure  and Curry Planning. Under the Dix his job had been to say to every request (and there were many! Sometimes the long line of sailors waiting to see him sparked rumours, but I assure you, most of them left his company intact) and it became his catchphrase,  “but will it generate cover”. No-one knew what that question meant but everyone realised that if you said Yes, whatever you had come to ask him would be responded to with No. And vice-versa.

    “And will it, my lover/” he added, “generate cover?”

    “Never Again,” the captain sang, and this Aria will become one of the staples of the repertoire for years to come.

    “Avast dear men and women too

    This old port is full of poo

    Too long have we, or rather Dix,

    Followed all those lunatix

    Lefty loons they try to make

    Us the reason for their mistake!

    Always telling us what to do

    It’s time to cast off, toodleoo!”

    “You’re off your head!” The Union Trio sing,

    “Once we sail into the drink

    – We’ll sink!

    Our hull is gone

    Our crew is sick

    Our sails are torn

    You’re the lunatic!”

    The Union Trio: Fletcher Kristalson (castrato) is the biggest Union Rep, one of the trio known as Hearnoevil, Seenoevil and Speaknoevil. These names had been given to them as commands by the Dix, who had of course removed all their testicles and eaten them. (An historical note: in the Baroque period young boys were castrated by the thousand in the hope that they would become superstars of the Opera business, with their peculiar high voices. If you don’t believe me, Google Farinelli.) (I do not know if their testicles were eaten). (Had Dix been around they would have been).

    The other members of the Trio are Pandy Monium, (tenor) the official train spotter which is amusing, because in the Baroque Period the train has not yet been invented. As a result, Pandy dashes about ship and shore in a confused frenzy, looking for them and is often described as Off the Rails. I forget the third member (baritone) though he is perfectly lovely.

    Harpsichord solo.

    Chorus of Guvs:

    “Dearest boy you’re the new man here

    What right have you to shake and stir

    What so long has been a place of fear!

    With trembling men and women too

    A sail-less ship without a loo!

    Our Captain told us what to do

    And all along we did her will

    But now she’s gone, don’t do us ill!”

    Up stands the Chair of Guvs, our old friend Prendergast-Huffington (mezzo). She is costumed as Britannia, carries a trident and has both her breasts exposed.

    ” Why complain, oh might and main

    We’ve never been too happy here

    The smell of fish, the rotting brain,

    It’s just no good to moan complain!

    The cargo rots below this deck

    We always get it in the neck

    I’ll tell you what, it’ll never last

    Our only skill

    Is getting nowhere, fast!”

    (First satirical reference to the Pupils, dear reader. Note! The purpose of a ship is transport! It exists to take people from A to Z and all the letters in between. Now referring to the pupils as “cargo” is terribly disrespectful, but think about it: ok, the metaphor makes them passive, which they ain’t. It doesn’t take into account how we the crew do all that value-added stuff. So as a metaphor it’s shit. Well you don’t want me to reveal the SS Feather was a Slave Ship, do you? So I won’t mention it.)

    All: Poor crew, oh what to do, sing or swim? He had them by the throat – nothing left to do, but vote!

    Curtain.

    Scene 2

    The Captain’s Cabin, night.

    The Captain sits at his desk, deeply depressed, his head on his hands. He sings.

    “Behold!

    A loan, a loan, my headship for a loan

    My vessel is quite broke, I have no other home

    To fix this ship would take take all the gold

    I could never get, for what’s in the hold!

    So whatever the crew and the governors too

    Vote, this sinking ship will never float…”

    Twinkling flute with harp, then a cymbal clashes. Suddenly a cherub appears, all in a golden glow. With a deeply traumatic shock, we realise this naked cherub is none other than Michael Gove, counter-tenor (castrato) waving a glowing wand and wearing a halo.

    “Do not despair Mr Whatwhat and Where

    The golden glowing Goveman is here!

    I feel your despair -”

    “Oh Gove the nude, oh fortune’s hood

    Could you make our shitship good?”

    “Fear not oh Whatwhat, oh Whatwhat Where,

    The Dee Eff Ee despite what they say,

    The Dee Eff Ee is here to stay!

    We’re here to help so Whatwhat you want

    I’ll give you cash -”

    “Oh no, you can’t!”

    “Sure I can, but listen here, there’s a price.

    I can get you out of this hole.

    For cash I want – ”

    “Yes?”

    “Your Soul!

    Kettledrum, cadenza.

    “It’s a heavy price…”

    “Be nice, be nice! And one more thing you must give me

    You’ll call yourselves……Academy!”

    “Academy?”

    “It’s just a word. So – how do you feel?

    Do we have…..a deal?”

    At this point I have to drop the Safety Curtain. In the next scene, the new Capitain announces that he has fistfuls of money and of course, with the glorious prospect of repairs to the hull, re-sewn sails, new cannon, a partial replacement of the crew and the enlistment of the Cargo to row – yes I know galleons didn’t have oars you pedant! This is Opera, for godsake. Well, there was a vote for Brexit. Sorry, I mean Academisation.  In the final glorious scene of Act 3, the renovated ship rows off into the sunset to a riveting triumphal chorus of drums and trumpets. And so another gorgeous Baroque Opera ends with curtain calls and bouquets, to the sound of whips and groans from the Cargo.

    If you enjoyed this opera, why not try Handel’s Semele? Or Acis and Galatea? You may also find at least the first act of Monteverdi’s L’Orfeo to your taste, or try anything by Purcell. Baroque rocks!

  • Bitten by the Apple

    Appled!

    They produce hardware and software to a design template which is the envy of techworld. Other tech companies emulate as best they can, often outperform but no Apple lover notices. So addicted to that logo,  metallic loveliness that concatenation with eye and hand, that often successful mind-meld which second-guesses one’s dreams and fulfils them with irritating alacrity and efficiency.

    And while the Applephiliac is engaged in the dream, the beloved reaches invisible hands into the pocket and lovingly strokes the plastic therein until it ejaculates money all the way to Cupertino. And I’m not just talking about Apple Pay, which effectively cuts out the pocket completely…

    Examples: Apple Music, say. A mere £10 per month. It won’t be for long, wait and see. And so music on the Apple Store immediately increased in price. So for me, who merely buys the occasional album, I have to carefully calculate which is more expensive. But Apple Music plays off the Internet! So when I have no internet connection, say in the tube, no music unless previously downloaded. It’s never mine! If I stop paying my monthly rental, it’s gone back to Mother Cupertino. And when I do have connection but no wi fi, the music would take up my data allowance. So I would rather have my music within the capacious memory of my phone. That’s why I paid extra for 128gb. Extra.

    So Apple came up with another way to stroke money out of me. The Cloud!

    All of a sudden I discover all the (purchased!) music on my phone is on the Cloud and I start to get urgent messages that I need to upgrade my Cloud allowance, more money! I call Support for a quick method to download all my music back to my phone. There isn’t one.

    And then there are the Glitches, the eternal fucking Glitches.

    Today I bought an album on my iPad from the Apple Store. £7.99, formerly £4.99. A bargain! Enter Password! How many times am I asked for my password and told it is wrong! I reset it. Wrong! Or ok on one device but not on another! Reset! Wrong! Reset! Wrong! Eventually I have the album downloaded on the iPad.

    But not on the iPhone!   Which is asking me for a fucking password!

    AGAIN.

    So here I am seated in the Apple Store in Covent Garden waiting for my appointment to see a “Genius”. He/she won’t have answers. I know this because I’ve tried it before.

    …2 hours pass….

    Post Coital Depression

    I feel fucked. Frazzled. Foiled. Fandangoed. Two hours with a perfectly nice Daniel, one of the better members of the Daniel clan although to be honest I haven’t yet found a Daniel I didn’t like. This one,  ginger as he is, perfectly cuddly, as harmless as a neutered ginger tom, singularly failed to sort a single one of my issues. Most of the time spent with this pussycat consisted of inputting my password into a vast variety of software scenarios until every possible variant of iTunes and iCloud and iPhone restore and reboot and reimage with its blasted password had been tried and retried and then again…and AGAIN AND AGAIN and….considering one if the main reasons I was there was the sheer fury suffered as a result of having to enter my password AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN this felt like a version of a ghastly punishment for some evil committed in my life – the Apple Store is obviously Tartarus, which is that place in Hades in mythology where the punishment fits the crime.

    What on earth was my crime? Perhaps my passwords offended the Gods. mWhat’s wrong with “Fatefuck12s” or “Forgods32ake”? Or “Odinsucks52” or “Jesusfarted22” ?

    I’m going home. The screen is showing “Some items could not be downloaded from Cloud” and when I click ok, “Enter the password…”

  • Do you have a Life Sentence?

    REFLECTIONS

    My Retirement Picnic was on Sunday…so many faces from near and past, all in the smoke and mirrors of memory. Surrounded by beautiful people, I felt very blessed to have known them and to have played some part in their lives. Many people said I changed their lives. Embarrassing! Incorrect!  I look at the person and see a wonderful, self-confident, funny, intelligent, capable person.  And I don’t know what I did. This really made me think: on reflection, I have to put it down to Life Sentences.

    DEFINITION and EXPLANATION

    A life sentence is usually delivered to a child by a parent, or a teacher, or society as a whole. For example, the negative ones: You are Such a Fool! You are Stupid! (Dyslexics for example carry this blasted sentence and that’s what makes them either determined to disprove it or prove it) You are Ugly. You Can’t Read. You Will Never Understand Maths/English/politics/economics/ whatever. And the worst one: you will Fail! You are a failure! And then there is the panoply of racist, sexist, homophobic life sentences which blight lives, blind eyes…

    The job of the teacher is to find the Life Sentence of the pupil and if it IS a negative one, to grant them a pardon. We do this by finding the Life Secret. And then turning that into the new positive Life Sentence.

    “Wow! You have a real Designer’s Eye!”

    “You write so well. Amazing”

    “Excellent answer! You really get it don’t you?”

    “Well done! Consider a career in Accounts…

    So that’s what we do. Positive reinforcement. It’s no great trick. And people can do it for themselves. Identify your life sentence or sentences. Change the negative ones….

    SUMMARY

    Every student deserves a collection of positive Life Sentences and I have tried so hard to give them out when I have found that person’s Life Secret. It’s not easy but it gives me so much pleasure…As teachers, (or in my case as an ex-teacher,) all our joy comes from the achievements of others. Large or small! In some cases, survival is a huge achievement and I am so proud of some of my ex-students who have survived horrific events. Or have overcome silly addictions, or silly people, or silly situations. Or crime of any sort. Yes I do enjoy students getting in to impressive university courses. I am very proud of the doctors and lawyers, the accountants, the police, the shop assistants, the security guards…but you know what, teachers are merely catalysts. A student often just needs a gentle nudge…or a new life sentence. A positive one.

    DIVERSION

    In Martial Arts, each grading adds up to more self-esteem, self-confidence and success. My dilemma has always been whether to award a grade for excellence or competence compared to the expected standards of the grade OR to award the next level because of the student’s effort and level of improvement against their previous performances. The conclusion I came to was to celebrate effort in the lower grades, say up to Green Belt. And thereafter to apply much stricter standards. My Black Belts really earned their grades. I made the Brown Belt syllabus consist of four levels rather than the three favoured by Karate. After all, Bushido involves so much more in terms of fighting skills, including grappling, weapons and teaching others, as well as an understanding of the ethical and spiritual dimensions….blah blah…I seem to have wandered miles from the original purpose of this ramble. Sorry…. back to funny blogs soon! Promise! Enough introspection.

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