Category: Blog

How Even Virtue-Signalling Costs a Fortune

How many of the emails in your inbox want your money? I don’t only mean the obvious direct sell ones. You know, like Charles Tyrwhitt, ‘shirtmakers of Jermyn Street’, though all of their shirts are made in the Far East – who, despite all my attempts to de-register from their mailing list continue to deluge me with emails. This may be because I once sent an email to their founder, upper-class twit Charles, to express my disgust at his support for Brexit and the hypocrisy of his business model. Their shirts are pretty crap too. None of them resist a cigarette-lighter.

And I don’t mean sweet innocents like Last Minute.com. At least they don’t pretend not to want money – except at the height of the lockdown when no-body was going abroad, when bored executives at their online agency started sending out emails with pretty pictures of exotic destinations and no way to get there. With taglines like, ‘Where is your favourite place to have sex ?’ (My answer was, on Donald Trump’s golf course on the 9th green. They did not even have the courtesy to acknowledge my perfectly serious opinion, probably because of my unthinking addition of ‘with you.’)

The massive load of purely commercial sellers of junk is a nightmare. Sum them all up: Gimme your money!

Apple TV, Netflix and the BBC are loyal purse-botherers. The former is now desperate enough to offer me the opportunity to ‘rent Bad Boys for life for only £2.99’. Well! If I wanted rent boys I wouldn’t get them from Apple. If I did, I would get stuck into a lifetime of upgrades to system 12.7.8 et seq, which upgrades never work and end up crashing my hard disc.

The dozens of leeches and vampires attracted to writers is awful- they all offer their expertise and their seminars and books about better writing and videos and podcasts, and if I were to even look at a tiny percentage, I would never have time to write. The most annoying is Curtis Brown. Do our Course, they cry. They have several courses. I tried one. Over £230 and I assure you, no CB person read anything I submitted to the Course, at least until I had paid a further £100 for a few pages of superficial inconsequence.

No, my rant today is about the high price of virtue. You see, my inbox is also jammed with perfectly good organisations, which are very keen to send me ‘updates’, because maybe I supported one of them, say Greenpeace, and as you know email lists are bought and sold on the market like politician’s promises. I’m not blaming Greenpeace necessarily, or the Green Party, or the legitimate campaigning organisations I do support (add Amnesty and FoE into this list) – they are all terribly worthy, and who can blame them for hawking their lists about a bit?

So here are some of the purse-botherers whose updates, slightly interesting as they are, always end with a begging-bowl.

Second thoughts. I’m not going to list them. They know who they are.

Listen here you guys and girls! I love you all and sometimes you tell me stuff that I didn’t read in the media. Sometimes. The rest of the time, you tell me some heartwrenching stuff I’ve been ranting about for days, then comes the ‘donate’ button. Hey! I would love to support you all! But now you’re driving me crazy, and the implicit message is ‘if you don’t donate Brexit will happen, Boris won’t agree to a UBI, Black Lives won’t matter, the NHS will be doomed to be sold to America and we, the sweet cosy little group of lovely people, are all that stands between ……. and the deep blue sea.’

Jeeeee whizzzzz.

We the Goodies are not made of money. That’s the other side. Besides, guys and girls, I’m just not sure virtue has to be paid for with the remains of my money.

Illustration: No reason. Just the pleasure I take not giving Pigrights another opportunity to rip me off for thousands more for ‘breach of copyright’. Pls note, pigrights: if anyone uses my illustration above without attribution, they’re welcome to it.

I. Love. You. All. Except Trump. And Pigwrites.

The MEGASAGA 3 writing competition has reached its conclusion, and the WINNER will be awarded £100 in shiny British Currency!

Interestingly, there were many comments on the website supporting our decision. As I said, the decision was based not on votes, but on our judgement as writers and readers. Ultimately the judging panel was extended from 3 people to 7, as we were terribly split between two of the stories. Our meeting last night was full of contention! But we have made friends now, and after it came down to the casting vote, cocktails were dispensed. Virtually, of course.

I would most sincerely like to thank the two Peters, Zara, Zelda, Caroline, Anna and Steve for their help in reading through, analysing and judging the entries.

I would also most sincerely like to thank ALL ENTRANTS for your hard work and brilliance in creating exciting, amusing and frightening Megasagas. Proof that the form is alive, well and thriving as a marvellous exercise in writing and editing.

BY THE WAY one of the stories in the Shortlist was by me. Any idea which one? Don’t worry, it hasn’t won!

BEFORE I MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT:

The judges, while they admired all the shortlisted stories, found themselves split and divided between two of them: Beulah Harris‘ ‘MEGASAGA’ and Jacqui Huxham’s ‘Love in the Time of Corona’.

Beulah’s story is that rare beast – the perfectly constructed, beautifully paced, intriguing tale which lulls one into near somnolence for the first few paragraphs and then delivers a sharp, cynical totally unexpected kick into one’s fundament with the last sentence. Each word and phrase is carefully chosen, and while I had my doubts about ‘…John Lennon singing the most beautiful song ever written’ it was pointed out to me that because we immediately think ‘Imagine’ – the titles and lyrics have an immensely poignant relevance to the plot and atmosphere. (Or ‘Yesterday’? Written by McCartney…)

My (and other pedants’) very slight unease comes in the last sentence, which is so important to the resolution. The last sentence in a Megasaga is the payoff which makes the whole story worth reading.

People will be screaming at me from thousands of miles away when I say this: ‘When the ambulance came to collect her husband’s corpse in the morning, life would be perfect.’ Well, life would be perfect and the story would be perfect had there not been a tiny jumble of tenses in that sentence. The smallest change would make the story 100% as opposed to 99.9%. Beulah, try ‘When the ambulance comes to collect her husband’s corpse in the morning her life will be perfect’??? It’s a sudden change to future tense and I’ll bet you agonised over it. The whole story is in past tense, so how to give that last line the punch it needs? I often have this problem. One of my biggest faults as a writer is to jumble my tenses. Very difficult, this one. Still, the story would have won anyway, and in the end only one vote swung the outcome. Which makes you the proud runner-up.

AND THE WINNER IS –

Jacqui Huxham’s ‘Love in the Time of Corona’.

BECAUSE: Each and every one of the Judging Panel had the same visceral, emotional response to this story. When I tried to read it out to them, my eyes teared up – even after several readings! This terrible Corona Crisis has resulted in so many people losing loved ones. We know how it feels to lose a lover, a brother, a parent….I held the hand of a dying woman, a beloved Aunt a couple of years ago. (If you read Sally’s Road you’ll have an idea as to how I attempted a revenge against Cancer). It has scarred me and I suppose may have influenced me to some small extent.

Others, however, had precisely the same reaction.

But I think what has finally decided the result is the innovative structure and poetic language of the story. It reads like a song, a duet. It is so very different from the others and while they are all excellent, it shows how fluid and flexible the Megasaga form can be. Don’t be afraid to experiment!

RE=READ the stories (use the link above). YOU ALL DESERVED PRIZES. But I can only award one.

CONGRATULATIONS JACQUI I will email you regarding how your prize can be sent.

JACQUI HUXHAM

Jacqui’s autobiography :

Born and raised in Zambia,  I came to South Africa for university.  I have taught English, History and French for the last 30 odd years and some 15 years ago I fled the rat race to live in a small village in the Southern Drakensberg near the Lesotho border.

I am currently the Principal of a small school catering to the local community  and this is my passion. Many of our children are Aids orphans from the local children’s home and many come from very disadvantaged backgrounds.  We give them hope and a future. Our matric pass rate every year is 100%.

I  am married with 3 children and 3 step children , all grown up and living far away. I have never published anything. My writing is for myself , usually written in those small dark hours , and this is the first time I have ever shared it. I was assailed with fear and vulnerability after submitting my stories .

Jacqui your stories are terrific. You had two in the Finals, which is pretty amazing. So to you and all my wonderful writers and readers in South Africa and the world:

Keep writing! The more you write, the more you edit, the more you read, the more you are self-critical (without being overly so – be forgiving) the better you will get! Enter competitions but it’s not about competitions. It’s about the CRAFT. You are magicians. You create and describe worlds, real and unreal. Your characters are given life, and you owe them a living! (Please read all my hints and tips on plot, character, etc on the website under Blog and Short Stories.).

(Read my books. Please. So I can afford another competition! 😉 There will be a new one soon. Soon.)

And never forget, I love you all.

…what happened to Part 2? That was the WRITING A MEGASAGA competition! Where have you beeeeen???

We are nearly in phase 2 of the Pandemic. Phase 1, disease spreads, people die, people panic, governments thrash about in utter confusion. The right wing ones generally make a complete hash of it, tens of thousands die. The left wing ones make a complete hash of it, tens of thousands die.

The morons, of course, make more of a hash of it than anybody. Trump, Bolsanaro, Putin and Johnson, highest death tolls in the world. Why??? I guess being morally challenged does make a difference in taking the threat of death to a population you really don’t care about, apart from their votes, seriously.

The latest scandal in the UK – the idiotic Great Trek of Boris Johnson’s minder and puppeteer Dominic Cummings – is the perfect analogy and metaphor for the incompetence of the ruling right in a democracy, when they are so riven by their need to please their big business funders and yet retain the belief and credibility they need to continue to extract votes from the naive and credulous electorate. Who, largely insipid and compliant, fall victim to their every trick.

For those not entirely familiar with the details of the scandal, here’s a summary:

A CUMMING PLAN Part 1

Dominic Cummings is the evil genius who designed the Brexit win for the Tories and the cabal of right-wingers and extreme left wingers who prefer Little England, without immigrants, and a mythical Albion of 1955 and fish and chips to international engagement and being part of a substantial trade bloc, as brilliantly portrayed in the wonderful Channel 4 film https://www.channel4.com/programmes/brexit-the-uncivil-war/on-demand/65804-001 the Uncivil War. Watch it, Cumberbatch is terrific.

The Cumming Plan strategy for media manipulation consists of 3 words, based on the Power of 3: Repetition, Obfuscation and Distraction. For Brexit, his immortal slogans were Take Back Control; then Get Brexit Done, which landed us with Boris Johnson in the last election and his shower of Rabid Right pro-Brexit loonies.

Then along comes the Pandemic. Cummings immediately leapt into the public information campaign, reputedly advising PM Johnson to rely on Herd Immunity in the early days. Did I mention Cummings and Johnson share a common bond of detestation of the common people or ‘hoi polloi’, or ‘great unwashed’, which phrases are no doubt pretty common amongst Tory grandees. Luckily, some intelligence came out of Imperial College, and it was pointed out to them that if they relied on Herd Immunity – ie do nothing: when most people have had the disease they’ll be immune – could result in 500,000 deaths, an absolutely overwhelmed NHS and lots of dead Tories. So they woke up a little and Dom devised his “Stay at Home. Protect the NHS, Save Lives” The Power of 3, see? Cummings’ signature slogan manufacturing process.

At which point the Government sat back and devised cunning plans. Such as Stay in Government. Forget to protect the NHS by not buying, ordering or manufacturing sufficient PPE (Protective masks and gowns), and Make Sure those who die are the elderly, the sick and disabled. This latter they achieved by sending people with the virus to “recover” at Care Homes where thousands caught the virus and died.

Another bright idea was to not bother getting a testing regime established. Ignoring the excellent examples of South Korea, Vietnam, New Zealand who obviously got it right with testing tracing and isolating, they continued to waffle and piffle and faff. Made much worse when chief waffler, piffler and faffer Johnson was taken very ill with the virus. Well, as he had not hesitated to shake hands, as he had not stayed at home or followed his own scientists’ advice, is not surprising. (My theory is he was following the example of role model Trump, who at this stage believed the virus to be a ‘hoax’! A Chinese world-domination strategy). And of course the people who were in intimate contact with Johnson went down with it as well, including Dominic Cummings.

Proving that the Virus was happy to infect anybody, not just the Hoi Polloi but even ‘us.’ Toryism is, surprisingly, no defence against a pathogen.

Ooooh, major wake-up call!

All of a sudden the Tory establishment started to listen to the scientists, to look at the examples of successful countries, to invest in PPE and tests to establish who has the disease and who has had the disease. Delay followed delay. Excuse followed excuse for delay. By which time the fatality rate had reached at least 30,000, one of the highest in the world..

CUMMINGS’ GOINGS

At this point, Cummings and wife completely panic. Both have the virus. They also have a kid.

When in doubt, flee! Bundling his viruses into the Range Rover Discovery Sport Diesel SUV, he set off for mummy. Mummy would know what to do! (No surprise Dom drives a diesel car, which emits poisons no doubt only affecting common people, proving that the Climate Emergency is not his concern) And it is only 264 miles to Durham and mumsy and dadsy…

(“Stay at home. Protect the NHS. Save Lives”)

(Did he stop to refuel? https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/cars/article-8357633/Which-SUVs-best-real-world-fuel-economy.html)

Having arrived, however, despite Dom’s excuse that he was only going North so he could use elderly parents for babysitting, the happy little virus-ridden family settled in to a charming holiday cottage on the family estate for a well-deserved break. And when wifie Mary’s birthday came around, they had a perfectly lovely jaunt to Barnard Castle, and a jolly day by the river.

Sadly, sooner or later even a demented SPAD has to stop throwing a sickie (“Stay at home. Protect the NHS. Save Lives”) and get back to work, especially since his boss had returned to work and is, of course, lost without him. So they drove their viruses the 264 miles back to London.

SPURTING AND CUMMING

Unfortunately for Dom the Guardian and other newspapers got hold of the story. The fury of the Brits erupted within days. “All right for some!” They cried. “Exceptionalism!” they yelled. “One rule for the toffs!” they spurted.

Poor little Dom dom. His contemptuous snapping at the press lurking outside his house didn’t work, so Boris was told to allow him to make a Statement to the Press from the Rose Garden at 10 Downing Street.

So Dom “explained”. No apology whatsoever. (“Never apologise, never explain”). After all, how could HE ever do anything wrong? Plus, as Spinmeister Central he had always had total control of the agenda, and now all he had to do to Take Back Control was explain. With appropriate spin!

More fury erupted. Even those who had been duped into voting Tory (“Get Brexit Done”) in the last election, the so-called first time Tory voters, began to realise the true nature of the dreadful government they’d enabled.

Memo from Cummings to BJ and Tory interviewees: ‘Pay attention! The word to use is “Explanation”. You will repeat “DC has explained” and VERY IMPORTANT include “Child” and ‘There was a 4-year old child to consider” and “Did what any concerned parent would do”‘

It didn’t work. While Twitter was almost submerged beneath near-identical tweets from Tory MPs and ministers making use of the phrases above, more than 40 Tory MPs expressed disgust and disbelief.

A CUMMING PLAN Part 2

Time to get his Spinnmeister Central self-defence strategy in place! Remember the trio? Repetition, Obfuscation and Distraction?

Memo from DC to BJ and all Tory interviewees: Pay attention! The phrase of the week is “move on”. BJ, unless you repeat “Move on” at least 5 times in the forthcoming briefing, and as often as possible in the media, I will have to resign and where will you be? Finished! Selling the Big Issue outside Westminster. Remember during Brexit how I gave you sweeties every time you said “Get Brexit done”. This time it’s lollipops!

Dutifully, those Tories terrified that Dom, puppet meister without whom Boris would turn back into piffle, paffle and waffle, parroted their given words and phrases.

But alas……so many of the pesky MSM would not move on. By now DomDom was beginning to feel just a little miffed….thinking time….the paranoid android persona had to be resisted! Pacing….muttering….they will not defeat me they will not defeat me…

“I have it!” and lifting his crystal-studded android phone to his mechanical ear, “get me Johnson!” he commanded. Repetition and Obfuscation had failed, time for Distraction. “Johnson! Now but me no buts, piffle me no Pfaffle. When were we to have Test Track Trace in place?” Wiping ersatz sweat from his domed forehead, he listened to the muttered reply.

“Bollox to that, you worm!” he yelled down the phone, which quivered in terror. “Tomorrow!!! That’s when! No, I don’t give a fuck how ready it is. Carpe DM! Bring it forward. To TOMORROW, worm. Get me? And NEXT, ease the lockdown! And NEXT change the Furlough conditions! And NEXT open the schools! Barrage them with news! A new news every day! Watch how quickly they forget all about me!”

And so they did.

What’s next? Will the Crack of Dom sound? Will Cummings going? Is the most exciting story in the news about to end with a whimper? Obfuscated and Distracted out of court so that the Android gets away with it?

It’s one rule for them….

Captions by Peter Blackadder

Who will win £100 in the MEGASAGA WRITING COMPETITION?

BEFORE you check to see if YOUR story made the shortlist, please read this. Take a breath. Ok? Many’s the time I have waited intently for a shortlist, and felt that hollow sinking feeling when coming to that hole where my name should have been.

So I know exactly how it feels not to be on the list. Here’s a message for YOU: A MEGASAGA is so hard to write, and once written, so hard to make perfect. Every word counts. Producing an excellent Megasaga is as much of a skill as writing the perfect sonnet or haiku or aria. Just producing 100 words which make sense, which make a story, which evoke an emotion, is brilliant. You did that. You are brilliant.

And one more thing, before I paste the shortlist below: I discovered very early when I was involved in Karate competitions, and watched football: the ref is blind. So sometimes he or she will miss your most brilliant move. You won’t agree about some of the finalists. The ref is blind. Keep writing. Keep perfecting your craft. Hokusai, the great Japanese printmaker reached his 90’s before he admitted to having approached perfection…

I’ll shut up now.

COMMENT! Cheer! Boo! Here are the stories the Judges chose. Which should win?

1. By Cindy Field.

State of Emergency 

For years wearing my mask and going to work, social distancing was my reprieve. Hide from the virus “stay home” they say.  Pretend it’s sunshine and roses, sing from the rooftops.

As the patriarchal mood inside grows more menacing; be patriotic he demands, on your knees.  Withdrawing from his cigarettes and booze I am confined an arm’s length from his frustrated fist. Black eyes and rings around my neck as I cower in my cage.  

Appeal for help may result in weeks of his revenge. ”Stay inside,” they say or it will be the death of you.

A very sad fact about this ghastly lockdown is the rise in cases of domestic abuse, as cabin fever brings out all the tensions between people. This story vividly portrays a relationship based on control and cruelty. Emotive and powerful.

2. By Beulah Lee Harris

Megasaga 

Her crossword lay wordlessly neglected as she sipped her chardonnay – the glass was half full, like her attitude to life.  She sighed contentedly, listening to John Lennon singing the most beautiful song ever written, and to the gentle snores of the two golden Labradors nestled at her feet.
She did feel for the less fortunate but there was nothing she could do about them.  Cocooned here in her own world, she had everything she needed including the solitude she had often craved. 
When the ambulance came to collect her husband’s corpse in the morning, life would be perfect.

A great punchline, very much in the classic Megasaga tradition. Like a good joke the punchline must deliver a blow, preferably drawing blood! Not sure about “the most beautiful song ever written”, rather than just “Imagine”! Again, maybe putting word count first? If so, a compliment to some very tight writing.

3. By Tessa van Aswegen

Knocking Bird

Saw a bird this morning. Knocking at my window. Old folks would say it’s the bearer of bad news in an already scared world. Sometimes it was just sitting there staring inside, looking at me with its yellow eyes when I was close by. Came knocking for three days, then it was gone. Could it have been someone visiting from heaven? Telling me that I’m not alone. That just like this little bird is not scared of this virus, I should not be scared. That I will be free again but for now stay inside and stay calm.

We liked this because we have all felt this alone, this abandoned during the Corona pandemic. It’s a good evocation of an emotion. I am wondering why three days? Let’s ALL stay calm…

4. by Jacqui Huxham

Covid Tale

Below me, the city is silent.  I shouldn’t be up here, it’s against the rules, but really?  It’s been days since the last broadcast.  No power since? Not sure.    Time has no form.

Hungry.   For food, information, touch.  A scurrying shadow.  Human? No, a coyote slunk down from the hills.

From my hoarded stash of toilet paper I tear off squares and painstakingly write my President’s reassuring words: “It’s a hoax”, “No need to panic”, “It will soon be over”.

I drop them one by one into the once sparkling pool, watching them sink below its scummy surface.

As a fan of dystopian stories, novels, films, plays I enjoyed this. The image of the hollow promises of our leaders in this crisis written on toilet paper and dropped into a once-clear pond is delightful. Great imagery and perfect metaphor.

5. by Jacqui Huxham

Love in the Time of Corona

He said: Daily, I watch you dance on the roof. Your beauty and grace uplift me, give me strength.

She said: The song of your violin floats skyward and gives me wings.

He said: Watching you dance. I dream of one day, holding you close and breathing in your scent.

She said: Where are you? I miss your song.

His final breath was the scent of roses on his nurse’s skin. A dream of dancing in the summer sun.

She closed his eyes , wondering at the strains of music in the sterile air.

Much as we resisted shortlisting two stories by the same writer, we found it terribly difficult not to include both of them. There is an insouciant mastery in Jacqui’s decision to use a repetitive theme as a formula in a story of only 100 words, and to pull it off so well.

6. by Lorna Macleod

The Envelope 

Two months, isolated from the world.  Today is the day. ‘Starry night’ painted on my black walls wont help anymore. The needle and syringe lay waiting, ready. On the windowsill, lays the envelope. 

Today I open it and find the strength to fight, for the only thing I did right in this life, my son. John, my beloved husband had mailed this here two weeks into my isolation.

I open the envelope and pull out a single paper folded in half. “In loving memory of Gregory Fold.” Starry night, liquid through my last available vein. Today I died.

This story made the hair on the back of our heads rise. One feels the tragedy seeping in from the very first sentence and by the punchline, we were drawn in to this dark world.

7. By Pavlova Maharaj

The Miscarriage.. Or Not?                    

Yesterday- I popped the “pills.”

Today- We’re on our way to my appointment, to see if the baby is okay. Dave is as nervous as a kid taking a pop quiz the entire drive. I sit as still as a chameleon. 

This was the wait.

Finally, the doctor calls us in. I’ve had a miscarriage. I can see the devastation in Dave’s eyes. I feel all the guilt build up inside me like a gas pipe about to explode. 

I did this.

What else could I do?

How could I tell him the baby wasn’t his? 

Another great punchline, which I did not see coming. Pavlova won the first ever Megasaga competition and I’m glad she’s still developing her craft! But hang on – should she tell Dave?

8. By Shaun Harris

 MegaSaga 

War to end all wars, Great Grandpa smiled. Millions dead, he groaned. He did not lie. Never again. He lied.

Horrors of a hundred and two years. A million dead. The virus has been contained, world governments declared. Few more will die. They lied. Worst plague ever. They did not lie.

Millions more will die, I cried. Vaccines will fail. I lied. The vaccine arrived, it worked. Humanity was saved, the world rejoiced. Lockdown was lifted, celebrations, dancing in the streets. 

It is not over, I lied. Recant, people cried.

But millions more had died. I did not lie.

This is more a bitter poem than a Megasaga. I’m left a little confused by the message! Nevertheless, an interesting piece of creative writing. I suspect rather stream-of consciousness? We had to include it, because it’s so different.

9. by Miss Pretorius

The stranger 

He knew everything; my deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets and what I considered my biggest flaws. My reaction to everything before I even decide on it, one would swear he was psychic. He claims to have loved me since he laid eyes on me yet I don’t remember him. Forever was promised yet everything about him is strange to me; not even a familiar flicker. I can’t quite place him and that leaves me at an unfair disadvantage. “Will you be mine forever?”,my “no” sounded meek. As the light drained from my eyes I realised; he was my creator.

This sums up well one person’s spiritual journey and one of the judges identified with it a great deal.

10. by Isha Bramdow

Lock Down, Break Up

While the paranoid hordes out there are donning their home-made floral face masks (courtesy of YouTube), complaining about the price hike in groceries…..I sip this wondrous freedom in the early morning light. Just before lock down, he left. Up and flew away, like a kite with no tail. I’m quiet, no resistance here. Go. Be free from my loyalty. Relish in the disaster of what you used to be, before me. Before Us. Meanwhile, I’ll wait for the courier with my delivery of fresh apples, still moist with morning dew. Eyes closed, smiling, I sip again.

This is less a Megasaga, more reminiscent of a haiku. It perfectly depicts a moment in time, a reflective hiatus in a life. Some excellent imagery made this piece for me.

11. by Jeremy Isaacs

Collapse

He leant down and removed her mask. Her so-well known and remembered face was frozen into an expression of dismay. She had deserved the virus, just not to die like this! She had been utterly unbearable while she was raising him. Admittedly it wasn’t easy for her all alone, on her wage as a hospital cleaner. She had controlled every aspect of his life for his 41 years. With a sigh, he uncoupled his own mask from around his ears. Free at last! A moment’s thought. Then, leaning forward, he kissed her deeply on the lips.

Another Dark Tale – why are there no humorous finalists? Ask the judges. My only stylistic comment is, why the repetition of “she had…”? Every word in a Megasaga has to work for a living. Nevertheless, a powerful story.

FOR YOU, which was the best one AND WHY? Let me know by commenting below!

CONGRATULATIONS FINALISTS! You are all wonderful.

CONGRATULATIONS even if you didn’t reach the finals! You, too, are wonderful.

THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON 31ST MAY!

…and, needless to say, I love you all.

OVER TO YOU:

NOTE:

The winner won’t be decided according to the sheer number of votes! The important thing is to say WHY you love the story. This gives the judges something to think about when they decide which is the best. Insert smiley emoji. 🙂Reply

Strategies for Survival: 2

WRITE A MEGASAGA!

This is the WRITING COMPETITION which can WIN YOU A POUND A WORD!

ALERT! UPDATE 2, 24th APRIL! SEE BELOW !

What is a MEGASAGA?

A MEGASAGA is a story in 100 words. EXACTLY 100 words, including the title. This is the third Megasaga Writing Competition I’ve run, and for people (like me) stuck at home with cops outside, feeling like I’m in solitary confinement (apart from YOU of course, my loyal fan!) this is the perfect time to get creative!

ANYBODY CAN ENTER, AND AS A GIFT TO YOU, ENTRY IS FREE!

ANYBODY CAN WRITE A MEGASAGA! Look back at my website for the winning entries in the last writing competition, and some of the Megasagas I have written. See under Short Stories

.http://jonelkon.com/category/short-stories/

SEE BELOW FOR HOW TO ENTER

So here’s a new one by me, just for you!

SHEER COVIDITY

Blake bit his lip. Had he just transferred the virus from the tin of peas to his eye? Rubbed it in? During his trip to the supermarket he had been careful! Be OCD, his mum had said and he had been. He never left the house without mask, gloves, sanitiser. When he got home, he would wash the packaging before storing. In vain? When the tin fell out of the bag half way across the road he had picked it up, rebagged it and then, hand to face! Damn! He shouted as the 261 bus ran over him.

EXACTLY 100 words including the title. Count them!

It doesn’t have to be dark…

I’d love to read some humorous Megasagas. Make us laugh, make us cry, make me SEE the characters, the action. THE SECRET: Editing! The secret of good editing is to cut, cut and cut, even when you feel as if this is slashing your own arm, an act of cruel self-harm as you watch some of your most treasured phrases disappearing into superhyperspace. (There is probably a planet where dearly beloved excised phrases from all the authors in the universe live, eternally weeping for their cruel exile. Now here is a thought that should have been sent packing to that planet!)

And if you want to learn more about good writing, there is a wealth of great tips on this website! Look at http://jonelkon.com/writers-write-feedback-on-a-writing-exercise/

And that’s just Part 2. Read the hints and tips on this website part 3, 4 5 and (I think) 6 too.

THE COMPETITION: RULES

1. Submissions must be exactly 100 words including the title and must be entirely original, unpublished and the work of the person making the submission.
2. Submissions must be emailed to jonelkon3@gmail.com. The subject line should contain MEGASAGA ENTRY 3.
3. No more than 3 entries per person may be entered.
4. No correspondence will be entered into.
5. The DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES is 10th MAY
6. The 10 SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will appear on this website on the 20th of MAY 2020, allowing my readers to make comments and to cheer for their favourites. No entries are accepted after this date.
7. The SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will be submitted to a panel of 3 writers, who will make the decision as to who will win the £100 prize. The judges’ decision is final.
8. The WINNER will be announced on this website on the 31st of May 2020 – and the prize will be rushing his/her way by Paypal or bank transfer!
9. This competition is subject to the laws of the United Kingdom governing competitions.

Be HAPPY. Be CAREFUL. Stay alive please.

I love you all.

UPDATE 16th APRIL

Hello writers!

Exciting times! Entries are beginning to flow in, and some of them are wonderful to say the least.

The first important update is that I have had to change the dates, as a result of a stupid slip-up which was pointed out to me by one of the judges, I hadn’t really given them enough time to select the shortlist, so do make a note of the dates above. The important date is the deadline for submissions, which is still the 10th of May. Very soon! Get writing!

Random thoughts on submissions so far: No Megasaga, no matter how brilliant, will be accepted if it’s not PRECISELY 100 words, including the title. Brilliant as it may be. Here’s another one: one submission IS very good, but contains a glaring grammatical mistake! I’m confused. The judges will confer…

Many of the entries are not really stories. Some are political rants, some philosophical musings, some purely descriptive (as I said to Mariet). I look forward to stories with beginning.middle and end. See the example above, and please look at the other examples under Short Stories on my website.

But please don’t be too self-conscious. If it’s good, I will love it and the judges will too. Or they get fired. Just take a risk, put your writing out there! This competition is free, and is part of my program to encourage writing, especially amongst those who don’t usually write, or enter competitions. And as a South African writer with many of my fans and readers in that country, I am so happy to get entries from my homeland. Although anyone, from anywhere may submit. And win.

Note: Every shortlisted story will get free feedback on their style and content.

I love you all. Did say that already?

UPDATE 2: 24th April

Welcome back! To me, as well as to you. I have had a bitter little battle with hackers locking me out of my website. But luckily, I have friends….and thank goodness, I can now get back to you!

Wow. Some of the entries are awesome, and show that some people actually READ all the wonderful writing tips I put up on my website. Here are some more for you: scroll down through my blog posts, and there are many little gems for you wonderful writers out there.

But PLEASE even if you are not usually a writer, TRY. Everybody has something to say and whether you win or not is not the issue. It’s whether you WRITE or not. Remember, if you want an opinion on a Short Story or short piece, I’m happy to feed back if you email jonelkon3@gmail.com with the heading Please review. If it’s longer, eg a novel or a play etc, different. I am a busy bloke, and can’t promise always to help.

So here’s a little exercise for you, if you find yourself out of ideas: Study this picture –

What do you see?

If I were to say, the title of the picture is LOCKDOWN, now what do you see?

Study the elements in the picture: a man’s gold watch, large. A woman’s silver watch, lurking behind, and in the shadow, of the man’s. Then there is a Chinese coin. And the whole thing rests in a Chinese bowl….Now write the story!

Can you write it as a MEGASAGA in only 100 words? `

Or a Short Story. Email it to me, and if it’s a MEGASAGA 3 entry, remember to put MEGASAGA ENTRY 3 as the title!

Bye for now…

With love!

Let’s Get Through This!

Strategy 1: Reach out

This blog is the first of a series which should give you strategies for getting through 12 weeks of isolation. These strategies are the result of brilliant insights gained at 3.52am every morning, when my eyes pop open and, with a groan, I contemplate yet another day on my prison island.

Instructions

1. Copy & Paste the following into Notes (if you have an iPhone) or wherever you can keep useful stuff on your inferior iPhone clone.

I am in lockdown on Isolation Island and to prevent insanity I am reaching out to everyone I know to say, https://youtu.be/8f1z-nHvt3c (skip ad!)  There is no need to reply, but if you want to, please send me one brilliant tip for surviving the Plague. Here’s mine: Open your CONTACTS or ADDRESS BOOK and send this message to everyone in it.

• Go through the As in your Address Book, deleting anyone you haven’t heard from or spoken to in the past year.
• Send this message to all the remaining A’s using Messages, or WhatsApp, FB Messenger, Facebook, or whatever method you enjoy most.
• Wait for responses. Delete anyone who doesn’t reply (Unless it’s Aunt Flopsy who never reads messages, lives on Flopsy Island and eats children).
• Repeat for B, C, D et al.

That should keep you busy!

Strategy 2: Write a LIMERICK!

Limericks have only one purpose; upcheering!

There once was an author called Arthur

Whose works would remain ever after

Well that’s what he said

While boiling his head

To the sound of hysterical laughter!

Yeh yeh what’s that got to do with Corona/Covid?

More strategies coming….what are yours?