(Not) Trump’s Official Diary. Or, Toad in a Hole.
Hey stranger! Been much too busy to keep up this dairy, got a greatry to make cunt! Had so much to do. Got all the horribles to deal with. Eyeran Musselmen and all that. I will ALWAYS be on their back. Trust me. There will be nowhere in this great cuntry they can hide.
So what you guys out there in the dumb Fake News industry, the “Lying Press” as they used to call it in my Homeland in the 30’s and 40’s (see? I know history! I went to Yale after all. Or was it Harvard.) is what the hell I think of that OVER-RATED so-called Saturday Night Live. I bet you think those biased dishonest liberals get me mad? You couldn’t be more wrong. I can’t stop watching it. They say such great things about me! For a start they got a guy looks just like Vlad only not as sexy, and it’s like they’ve been listening in to our convos. So glad he’s visiting soon, can’t wait. I show the Brits how to do a State Visit! Getting a gold coach made. I have ordered 20 of our very best, our very very best, our most wonderful and sexy prostitutes for his hotel. He will have to admit we got the greatest, the most perfectly formed babes, much better than Moscow!
The last show, split my sides. That sour-face Spicer guy – never liked him. He schmoozes the Fake Newsers like he thinks they actually matter. I told him! I said, just tell them they’re assholes. Stopping niceness. If they don’t like my so-called “lies”, give them a bigger one! How many times I have tried to train him. If you REPEAT something often enough it becomes TRUE. TELKL them what you think of them! Don’t give them NEWS, give them INSTRUCTIONS and PUNISHMENTS if they act dumb. So they had a dame doing him. Called Melissa McCarthy. Hilarious! Got his voice great. And SHE showed HIM exactly what I want HIM to say in so-called Press Conferences! I heard Kellyanne laughed her face off too, so much that even the Reps in the House heard about it. The perfect excuse to fire his ass. Have a look! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWuc18xISwI
So what else has been happening? Senate Democrat women fighting me every step, trying to keep my beloved Swamp Creatures out of my Cabinet, but I’m winning! The bootiful Betsy, she of the fabulous check book, she’s in Education at last. That was a hard one. And my one gets hard every time I think about her…I have chosen Only Babes to show what a wonderful non-sexist I am! That Linda Mac Something, in charge of Small Business. You watch when I show her how big MY business is! But the WINNER is my Ambassador to the UN. Wheeeeeyow. That’s why I made her UN. Keep her nearby, see? Where I can get my (big!) hands on her. Only joking. Maybe. That Elaine Chow is a bit of a stunner but she’s Chinese so she won’t have a chance with me. The only immigrants I ever liked I got married to.
So that’s 20 confirmed, NONE rejected and 4 pending. Only ONE Black, that’s one too many but I reckon the boy will toe the line. Made him Secretary of Housing! I am SO a friend of the homeless. No-one is a greater friend of housing than me. Look at all the people I house in my hotels and towers and stuff. And golf courses. Wow I care a lot. A lot believe me. And that’s FOUR women in my cab, no-one can call me a sexist. No-one is a greater feminist than me. There’s the proof. And every one of them GORGEOUS.
Going to Great Brexit soon, you know that. Their Queen has been begging to see me. It will be SO good to see her on her knees begging to make a deal. The DEAL: I will offer 10% Tariffs on their haggis and biscuits, if she makes me a Knight. Or better, a Lord. Some assholes don’t want me there, believe it or not. Only one or two people apparently. The speaker of their parliament, some guy called Crackpot or something, reckons he can ban me. I told Thereser to fire his ass. There will be SO much trouble for that asshole, he will be so very very sorry the day he tried to make the leader of the Free World look bad.
Maybe I offer 9% if they make me a Lord and put him in the tower. Or execute him. AND his family. I’ll show that overrated failing Apprentice guy they got here trying to do MY SHOW. “Lord” Sugar apparently. So I’m gonna be called “Lord Sweetest Toad of Scot Land”. Note to self: send a minion to Thereser with her instructions for the week.
I have to keep up my contacts with all the other leaders and presidents and prime ministers to give them their instructions too. So much to do! Got that dumb Australian Malcolm Bullshit put in his place last week, the bastard refused to carry out my orders. So now, Turkey. The Thereser told the guy what I want, now got to seal the deal. Am making deals with all our people in Europe, the Dutch guy is mine already (it costs, make no mistake!) the French Penis dame, the Germans natch! Make Deutschland Great for a Thousand Years, guys. We didn’t finish the job last time, this time the THOUSAND YEAR REICH will be owned and run by TOADLAND!
Got to go!
So much is happening, gotta be brief. Right now NOW I am in a Security meeting, so boring, and the whole lying FAKE NEWS is screaming their stupid heads off. Why? NORD FUCKING STROM that’s why! Somehow they got to that so-called store, that overrated shithole of overrated “Fashion” and guess what, they kicked Ivanka’s gorgeous beautiful range of adorable fashion straight out, because they have obviously no taste and they’ll do anything to make me mad. I want to tell you, Ivanka’s stuff is their BIGGEST SELLING range, it brings people into the store, it makes their ugly place look really special. Wait, gotta tweet. There.
OK, they will be sorry. Trust me. All my people will be told to boycott that store. Watch. Their shares will go down. Their customers will go down. The day they take on the Toad, is they day THEY go down!
And now, the Sourface is making trouble too. The one they call my wife. You won’t believe this! Apparently some Fake News so-called “Newspaper” in Great Brexit called, get this, “The Daily Male” which is probably because those homos have a nude man on page three, they called her a whore once. Apparently. So she sued them. Shit I don’t give a damn what she used to do before she met me! She sure knew some tricks but who am I to cast aspirations? So these faggots got sued. Now the “wife” is suing them again! She says they are now destroying her brand and impacting her sales! I can tell you this right now and right here: Nobody will ever destroy the Toad brand. She’s making me look bad. As if I’m here as the greatest ruler the world has ever seen just to make profit for my family. As if!
Anyway, so I gotta see Abe soon. Tomorrow I think. He’s the Jap leader. Gonna show him how to do Kamikaze properly on the golf course, watch me whip him! Need to find out his handicap. (Note to self: make sure Abe Babe gets the right balls. Cause he doesn’t have any. I mean GOLF balls dammit.) (The LIGHT ones). He is gonna regret Pearl Harbour, you bet. NOTE to self: If Japs don’t take our gas-guzzling cars, refuse to take their goddam Prius lump of shit.
On the subject of slit-eyed threats to our security, been talking to the Chinese guy too. NOTE to self: Say ok to Tie Wang. If they say ok to having their wangs tied.
TOAD ROOLS! HEIL TOAD!