Category: Uncategorized

675th of XZblishl year 222561
Deep Secret (But Not For Long)

1.1 Introduction

Oh hail GREAT SKONG, CEO OF THE Aldeberanian Empire of planets!  what a joyful day! It would seem that at last our agents have achieved our 1,000,000-year  objective: the destruction of Human life on Earth and most other life too. This will allow us untrammelled access to the Plastic Mines, the Porn Fields,  the liquefied and gasified fossils, and oh joy oh joy the nuclear explosives and heavenly radiation so that we can use them to destroy all life on other planets too!

In case your other Agents have to yet report – and I’m certain they haven’t, as I’ve blown them up with up their Intergalactic Multiverse Communicators, here is my Report.

1.2 Field Agent Reports

1.2.1 THE USELESS STATES
Since the decline and defeat of our beloved Agent 273536 , known to us as DumbAss and by Earthlings as Donald J Trump, ~ I had thought that the Useless States were lost to us, but fortunately he has been replaced by a rapidly biodegrading human variant, who poses little or no threat to anyone. Our dear Dumbold J. Ass continues every attempt to undermine this Bide-a wee and who knows, in their year 2024 the Amerigoons could select Our Man again, which could see our project of destruction in the Uselessness Statues proceed once more. But read on! He may not, in the end, be necessary which will save us  billions of slave-brains on toast, his favourite food.

1.2.1 GROSS BRITSKI 
Boriski Jobsworth, Chief executive of Gross Brittania plc ltd. has been working tirelessly for the destruction of his island and its provinces. He has helped, for instance,  in every way to facilitate the spread of the  deadly Cow Vid, the often fatal disease spread by tiny Bill Gateses which zoom about on minuscule flying bovines looking for suitable bodies to enter and shred. 

To make sure of maximum fatalities, he had already destroyed the Health Service, which could  have limited  the spread of the Pan Demic (named after Peter Pan Demic, a legendary fairy) and so once the Billgateses had bored their way into almost everybody (something they almost succeeded in doing with Windows 10) Hospitals had nothing to do but let the bodies pile high. 

It was a worthy effort, especially when the whole world joined in getting infected, but despite all his efforts, alas, and those of the tribe called the Deniers, far too many humans survived.

For the full background and previous Reports see http://jonelkon.com/not-boris-johnson-another-aldeberanian-hero/

1.2.3b THE WHOLLY RUSTY EMPIRE
Agent Vlad Impaler Putinski, the Judoka Godfather  Emperor or Star Knickerless V12, to give him half his titles, has proven himself highly effective in our program of destruction of the Human Race and is my new Hero!  His previous attempts to start World War 3 having failed despite his best efforts, he now seems well on track. All his training (the same syllabus studied by all our Alumni including the above, and of course Sad Arse of Syria, Herr Erdogranny of Turkey, Herr Bald Sinatra of Bra Zill, that bloke in the Phillips whose name I can never remember, and sundry other assholes worldwide) in A-Level Lying, BA in Spying, Basic and advanced Sliming, Undermining, Hacking, Smacking, Screwing, Advanced Unscrewing, Elementary KGBing, getting the clap in, and Judo have served him and the Aldeberanian Empire exceptionally well. 

Even as I write the massed monsters of the Evil Empire pour into neighbouring borders, killing maiming and destroying everything they come across –  all our favourite hobbies. To the extent that they could almost be Aldeberanian Death Squads, except that they are too stupid to eat their victims.

And here’s the best part: our favourite fuel and food is at his beck and command! Atomic this, nuclear that, a plethora of upsplitted atoms which, he has promised, will shortly be let loose Earthwide! How long it has taken us to get to this  point. And I know how you and all Aldeberanians looooong to bask in the radiation, to lose yourselves in orgasms as you enjoy the total destruction of a human race as their minds and bodies are ripped to infinitesimal shreds!

2. CONCLUSIONS ENDINGS AND LUNCH

There will of course be a celebration feast and fiesta once this pesky planet has been eliminated, to which you are all heartily invited. Those wishing to be eaten need to get your requests in now.

 
I will shortly be climbing upon that nuclear cloud which will gloriously return me to our lovely home Planet and I SO look forward to  our battle to the death, O GREAT SKONG, and to the ritual dining upon our body parts!

BIOGS

Hello writers

It was brought to my attention that due to Safari (and Chrome and probably Internet Explorer as well, if it still exists) peskiness, contrariness, obstructivity and other annoyed invented words, adding the winners’ biogs to the WINNER post meant that if you accessed the blog more than once, you would only see the previous version.

So here are the wonderful winners, and apologies to them and all who wanted to know more about them.

EVERYBODY WHO ENTERED IS A WINNER!

It takes courage to offer our work to the world! It’s like inviting strangers into our minds, and once they’re there, we amuse them, entertain them, frighten them, appal and enlighten them. If we’re lucky and skilful enough. And if it doesn’t quite come off, hell, that’s a learning experience. We try harder next time. We develop a better toolkit, better material and a better craft.

WINNERS

The winners were asked for a profile, and a picture. Here they are:

WANAWI JENJE winner of the Junior section of MEGASAGA 4 2021!

I am Wanayi Jenje, I reside in Johannesburg, South Africa and am currently schooling at The National School of Arts. I am a bibliophile with an undying passion for literature and art. I enjoy baking and playing violin. I especially have a knack for analysing people’s thoughts and behaviour, mostly fictional characters (I really wouldn’t want people to think of me as creepy). In my free time I avoid human contact, read and analyse books and write as much as I can. I have no vivid memory of when I began writing, but I know it was all sparked by my 7th grade play script and English teacher. I aspire to become as influential and expressive as I possibly can through my writing, and hope to evoke reactions and thoughts from a large audience. 

BEULAH LEE HARRIS – winner of the Senior Section £100 MEGASAGA4 COMPETITION 2021

I live in a small fishing village that has to have the kindest and most helpful community.  I spend a lot of time on my laptop, the view beyond  my screen is ocean wherever you look and this time of year, whales jumping right out of the water.  It’s a soothing inspiration to write by!  I am 57 years young, am married and share my passion for writing with my husband, Shaun, who is an award winning financial journalist. Between us, we have 5 children and 4 grandchildren.
I have spent most of my career in the recruitment industry and work with my sister, who is also my best friend, who has her own agency. I have also worked for the Sunday Times in advertising sales and did some freelance feature writing and advertorials.  Writing has been something I have been doing all my life, as cliche as that may sound.  I remember being so proud in junior primary when my poems adorned the classroom wall.  I still have all my certificates for creative writing, and although I was a tiny, insecure little mouse, when I was on that stage reciting my work, I shone!  Writing was my world fifty years ago and it still is.
The lyrics of one of my songs has been produced by BlackByrd and it was quite the hit here in South Africa about  7 years ago.
  I have a following on my own Facebook page of short story ‘groupies’ who truly are an inspiration as it is so rewarding to write for them.  Once again, based on one of my short stories, I am writing my second novel.

The MEGASAGA SHORTLIST is now much shorter,

…and frankly, there’s a dilemma and I need to consult with the judges! Hold on to your hats. Can you guess which TWO stories are contending for the top senior spot? And the top Junior spot too!

The pic is a clue:

Dear writers

The MEGASAGA 4 SHORTLIST IS ALMOST COMPLETE and will be published here within 24 hours. I have had some last-minute issues with some of the submissions, but fear not – I will let the rat out of the bag, fly the flag, and other mangled cliches.

PLEASE DO NOT BE DISAPPOINTED if you are not on the shortlist. I haven’t been on the shortlist myself in literary competitions dozens of times. Then, when I see the efforts of the winners and the runners-up, I always think – ‘I wonder how much that so-and so winner paid the judges? Or, is there blackmail involved? Or, is this competition fixed? Or is the winning entry simply far better than mine? Losing is the best lesson there is; the best reason for trying harder next time, refining and perfecting one’s writing. Hemingway sometimes spent weeks to produce a single paragraph.

And remember – there will be a book of Mega entries! Inclusion in the book means you will be a published author, even if you’re not shortlisted .

This year there were many more entries than usual, so I apologise if I haven’t given you feedback on your story. Please do email me if you want some relevant remarks.

There were four Judges this year. (including me). I sent the 3 the best stories in my opinion and asked them to comment and rank them. The next stage is to publish them here to get readers’ reactions. Then on or about the 23rd July I will get together with the judges (on Zoom) and select the prize winner in Senior and Junior categories. The announcement will be made on 27th. So get ready to make your comments!

As I say every year: Remember what we learn in football, in karate, in life: the Ref is blind! Life is not always fair and literary judges less so. But you can be absolutely sure there is no bribery, blackmail or fixing in this Competition!

Love to you all,

DEADLINE 27TH JUNE

Can you write a story in 100 words including the title? Something like this:

PILLION

On the back of a motorbike you feel everything. Wind, road, speed, gravity. In control of nothing.

The spitterspots of rain. The traffic window-wiping up Euston road, weaving through cars, buses. He’s laughing! Shaking his leather-clad back, swaying left and right past traffic as if as if trying to dislodge me. I want to share his delight. I’m uneasy. Trying to sync my balance with his, leaning as he leans, holding on white-knuckled, wishing I could hold him around his waist with both arms, but I know if I did that I would crush his ribs.

Does he know?

100 words including the title! It’s a great skill, rather like creating the perfect Haiku, or sonnet, or limerick. Try it!

Here’s one I wrote earlier which refuses to be cut down to 100 words. Can you find 8 redundant words?

A woman with a death sentence sat on a bench in Battersea Park in her favourite top and jeans. She didn’t look like someone with a death sentence.

Next to her a pink woman in jeans and a Nirvana T-shirt. “So tell me Claudette,” she said, giving her companion her deep searching look, “how are you really?”

Claudette sighed and attempted to address the question. “I’m getting weaker every day,” she said. “I mean my right arm doesn’t work proper …”

“That’s nice,” Sal, distracted, thinking wish I’d never asked. “You got MS girl, what do you expect?”

“So” Claudette said with a sigh, “and how are you?”

This next one is exactly 100 words – but no title!

He was new to the school. He was like a balloon animal, all strangulated air and pomposity, with a matching inflated ego. He thought he had a right to torment me, the weediest kid in school. Pure bullying. From the first lesson with him I knew hatred, experienced the rise of that negative energy –  grown, honed, perfected, manufactured out of hatred itself. My ally and my enemy.

Day after day it grew until that night when I gathered up my hatred, focused it, pointed it like a missile at his heart, and let it go.

He died that night.

Ooooh creepy! But it doesn’t have to be dark! How about some romance? Some humour? Amuse me and the other judges, make us think, make us shiver, make us laugh.

SO I’M OFFERING £100 FOR THE BEST 100 WORD MEGASAGA AGAIN! This is the 4th MEGASAGA competition – and the deadline is fast approaching!

FULL DETAILS HERE: http://jonelkon.com/megasaga-competition/

Much love,

Jon

NEW DEADLINES

With extreme apologies to all who have submitted stories: due to a judging issue, I am going to move ALL DEADLINES FORWARD A WEEK.

THIS MEANS: YOU CAN STILL WIN £100 for 100 words!

The DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES is 27th JUNE 2021 Hurray! Still time to write and submit your entry!

10 SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will appear on this website on the 7th JULY 2021

The WINNER will be announced on this website on the 27^th JULY 2021 – and the prize will be rushing his/her way by Paypal or bank transfer!

To unpack the REASON for this unfortunate delay, can you write a story for me based on the picture above? Make it 100 words (including the title) and I’ll accept it as a competition entry. But remember: this year the topic of the Megasaga is OPEN, you can write about anything you like.

Full information and rules here: http://jonelkon.com/megasaga-competition/

…I still love you all…..