This is the lovely Bella, and this is her micro-mini business, on the corner of Town Hall Avenue and Chiswick High Road in leafy W4.

Or rather, it was. Because from last Monday, it wasn’t.

Not surprising!  Considering Hounslow Council’s lean mean Enforcement Team, in the person of Ken Jobsworth, the sort of Council employee who thinks the word “vehicle” is better than the word “car”, decided to persecute it to death.

I witnessed the first time Ken (not his name, though it should be) arrived, as I was sipping my coffee and chatting about My Film with Bella. This stick-shaped beaky man with a clipboard was watching us like an anorexic hawk, scrawling strange councilesque language with no doubt a sharpened talon on a form, clipped to his clipboard by a clip which looked exactly as if it had been stolen from a Moyel. (the chap who removes foreskins from innocent Jewish babies who have never, incidentally, done him any harm.)

The word incidentally will feature quite a bit in this Report by the way.

So here it is again: Incidentally, I have been speaking about My Film quite a lot in the environs of the Red Coffee Boxs (their chosen name for the business. The extra s causes endless problems with my spellchecker and is therefore resented). In the three or so weeks they have been running, quite an amazing group of people began to swarm around Bella. Initially it was the local sleaze balls. Let’s face it, Bella’s gorgeous. So you’d expect every local girl-botherer to crawl out of the woodwork to offer her every damn incentive to go home with them, from promises of baby-sitting work to free trips on non-existent yachts. Eventually of course they realised that she’s more than capable of giving them a swift testicle-removing kick and they stopped bothering her.

Once the sleazes surrendered and faded away, the various creatives who live in this delightful village-like part of London began to gather. On one occasion I found myself sitting at the table with FOUR film makers, each at a different stage of their respective projects. Some films certainly seemed to be about to happen – but isn’t that always the case with most cinematic projects? And we had great fun pitching our ideas to each-other, while the wonderful Bella kept the local homeless man away by being kind.

I have met authors, journalists, all sorts of lovely people. And the difference between the Red Coffee Boxs and the cafe across the road is everyone talks! No hiding behind the ubiquitous (possibly dirty) Mac, or eyeing an iPhone as if, with sufficient interrogation it could yield pots of gold or the meaning of life. And everyone is so interesting! I mean everyone IS interesting, but when they have Apple brains it’s impossible for any sharing that’s not online to happen.

Except under that red parasol, on Turnham Green, with an excellent coffee and good company.

Truly amazing. Quite a few homeless men come for a chat and to cadge coffee. They are all treated with kindness and respect. Everyone is treated with kindness and respect. Even me.

So all was well until the Ken arrived. This is him serving his first “Notice”.

Incidentally I’ve deliberately chosen a blurry photo because I don’t want to identify him. Within the context of his job he was perfectly gentlemanly, if intensely jobsworth

Extremely painstakingly and in very vehicular language, he explained the Notice he was serving. It would seem, (translating here) that the business’ licence does allow them to serve coffee. However, only within the confines of the actual phone box. In other words, if both Barrista and customer are actually inside the phone box, that’s fine. He was therefore charging her with obstructing the highway. Sorry, that should read (nasally)  “Obstructing the Highway in such a way as to cause an Obstruction not merely to vehicular access but also to legitimate pedestrian traffic”

Huh?

£150.

“And I can be here any day and any time to ascertain whether you continue to trade and obstruct the highway. And I will.”

And he was.

When the fine bill reached £600 the phone box was shut and ceased trading. The business owner is now submitting another application (the third) and we’ll see if the Council will honour their commitment to encouraging small business or whether the culture of jobsworthiness and vehicular language, which has certainly contributed (along with the internet) to the slaughter of retail in the High Street will win out.

Incidentally (!) YOU CAN HELP: We started a petition on getwestlondon.com which I have to admit I find horribly difficult to find on their site ( You might find it at the very bottom of this page: https://www.inyourarea.co.uk/feed/W44EU/Gunnersbury,Chiswick,Bedford%20Park

But if not, you’re a big boy/girl/person of another gender and should be able to find it!

Save the Red Coffee Boxs!