From Agent Orange of the Aldeberanian Empire

What a day, what a night! Clearly a lot of hard work was put in by you and me, or to be more accurate, by ME and you to mount the invasion Coop of the Capitol of Washing Town! They poured in from every planet of the Evil Federation of Aldeberanian, to the extent that several Earthlings provided by me (most of them having been consumed by my Mind Worms in advance of course) JOINED IN! There were the Nazsties and Fazzshits frothing blood from their many mouths. The Razizts, their faces painted in apricot dye, the Kay Kay Kay (three headed Kuntz) the Trumpettes all blown up boobies and blended blonde, yummy yummy, the lone Joolee Annie, my adoring semi-human lawyer. And many more! Horribly beweaponed and appropriately drug-crazed.

How my fart smelled with pride!

Like all great commanders in our vast Aldeberanian Death Fleet I gave my pre-battle speech to inspire them with appropriate levels of hate and slunk off to my Little White House to sink a few dozen Big Macs and watch the fun on teevee.

It started ever so bigly. Screaming their arses off, and ushered in by some of our agents, my army of ghouls, demons, trolls, tooled-up twinks, Hubble bubble fatty-boom boom buttheads and of course my favourites, the Deplorables poured in at the very seat of the bottom of the Congressional Senate! Up the ass they went, clambering over their own poop, defiling and mashing as they penetrated almost right into the room where the awful Earthlings who are trying to undermine our Aldeberanian invasion were fiendishly plotting to prevent me taking my rightful place as Ruler of Earth.

And this, my most dearly hated leader, is as far as we got. The lily-livered cowardy custards then…pause to increase tension – did some selfies and went home. YOU CAN IMAGINE MY ORDURE! Several sycophants had to die immediately from being sat on, shredded by my fingernails, drowned in Mac Juice and whatever else gives me joy.

Frankly, it’s about funding and resourcing. Had there been more of OUR creatures, rather than these puny cowardly pathetic HUMANS, mad crazy and stupid as they are, we would by now have been executing and eating the Pelosis and Bidens, the Chucks and the chicks! The Democraps! The Rethuglicans! We would be STUFFED with goodies. SO WHOSE FAULT IS THIS EH?

I got on the FAKE NEWS and the FUX NEWS as soon as I could to tell them so. A whole team of writers and several acting coaches helped me deliver the sort of smarm and crap these morons love, saying how awful, blah blah. To make sure they are lulled back into their customary state of inertia.

So NOW, my dearly hated leader, I need even MORE reinforcements. We have around TWO Earth weeks to take over this planet and I am coming to you of course because this is your area, your expertise, taking over and destroying planets. Yes I could have done it on my own and I will if I have to. I have this ATOMIC BUTTON thingy which is as much fun playing with as my own button, the one under my tail which excretes babies. And unless you now mobilise another REGIMENT of Deplorables I am going to have to play with it lots and if it ejaculates believe me there won’t be many earthlings left to eat. So I’m told.

I await instructions and reinforcements. While I wait I will invent more slogans as good as my old ones. Make Earth Gasp Again! MEGA! Stop the steel and the copper too! And my greatest slogan ever, Fake Pews! (That’s about the delusion they call Religion. You wouldn’t understand.)

Hatefully yours….

Much love 

Agent Donny.

Read the reports in sequence, if you haven’t done so already!  

Report 6: http://jonelkon.com/time-to-invade-the-earth/

Report 5: http://jonelkon.com/the-last-week-of-the-world/

Report 4: http://jonelkon.com/earth-my-new-home/

Report 3: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

Report 2: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/

Report 1: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/