Category: Short Stories

  • Black Lives Matter

    Black Lives Matter

    To GL. 8’46”. We miss you terribly.

    It was a dark and stormy night...the cliché made a perfect fit as Mother, teeth gritted and eyes clamped to the streaming windscreen, guided the Renault down the sodden road alongside the Sewerage Farm in the Northern Suburbs of Johannesburg. This was 1964, and a Highveld storm dumped gallons of water on to the land in an attempt to make up for months of drought. The country was deep in the sewerage of Apartheid and our little haven of white privilege, encapsulated in the new motor car, despite the storm felt safe dry and warm.

                Mother, let’s face the truth, was a terrible driver. Her list of minor accidents kept the insurance company and dad’s best friend, the insurance salesman Morrie very busy. But we kids – me in the passenger seat and brother and sister bickering behind – took accidents as a part of life. We thought everybody had them.

                And so, when the windscreen entered the car in shreds, Mother applying brakes, shrieking, we probably did not panic. We were getting wet now which wasn’t good. And the journey to see Granny Francis might be aborted. Which was good. But everything would be all right. It always was.

                Mother opened her door and, shaking, shivering, terrified went out to see what we had hit. Curious, we went out into the rain to see for ourselves.

                On the side of the road a bicycle, very bent. And lying next to it a black man, very bloody.

                “Oh God oh God oh God!” Mother said as we all stood around the horrific scene. A tableau in the rain.

                “Mommy!” I said. “Is he dead?”

    She found herself somewhere inside herself. Felt his pulse.             “Thank God Thank God Thank God” she said. Then, “We have to find a telephone! Call an ambulance!”

                “A telephone!” I said. “Where?” No mobiles in 1964.

                “The Greek shop! It’s on the corner! Go see if it’s open! Here – “ she gave me some pennies for the call box in the store. “Phone the ambulance! Take the umbrella from the car!” And, to my great relief, she sank to her knees in the pouring rain to inspect the victim and help if possible. Brother and sister, I seem to remember, went back to the car to bicker some more.

                I was fifteen years old when this happened. I had been thoroughly brainwashed by my liberal, anti-Apartheid family. I firmly believed in equal rights for the blacks of South Africa and the world. I still do. I was filled with the importance of my mission and the conviction that this was a great opportunity to save a Black life. How thrilling! At last a chance to be a hero.

                Every teenage boy dreams of that.

                I reached the store. To my delight and relief there was a light on, and Costas let me use the shop phone. “Dial 999” he said and went back to his accounts.

                It took about five rings before the call was answered.                     

    The same spoken message in English and Afrikaans.            

    “Emergency. Please explain what is your emergency.” The voice was male, very thick, heavily Afrikaans-accented, and bored.

                “We had an accident,” I said. “We hit a bicycle. The man is badly injured.”

                “I see,” he said. “Please calm down. I have to take the details. Wait. I will get a pen.”

                A pen.

                “All right now sir, perhaps you can give me your name. and the location of the accident.”

                I did. “Please hurry!” I added.

                “I have to take the details. So tell me, were you driving?”

                “No, my mother was.”

                “Is she hurt?”

                “No.” I said. “Just the man we hit.”

                Pause while he wrote it down.

                Then “so we have one casualty. White or black?”

    “He’s a black man. Quite elderly. Please send an ambulance!”

                “Black man quite elderly” he said, writing it down. “I see.”

                “How long for the ambulance?”

                “Let me see….” pause. “About two hours. Plus minus.”

                “Two hours!” I said. “He could be dead!”

                “Nothing I can do young man. He shouldn’t ride his bike in the rain and darkness. Black against black you see. No guilt for your mommy there.”

                Being an adolescent with a keen sense of justice and no understanding of how to deal with an insane system, I asked “if he was white how long for an ambulance?”

                “Let me see.” Pause. “Twenty max. You should have said he was white.”

                “What?!”

                “They would have probably taken him you see. Too late now!”

                “What!!! Can’t you say – “

                “Ag don’t be silly little boy. You have to understand how it works in this country -“

                “You’re a fucking – you’re a fucking idiot!” I slammed the phone down and ran back to the car, weeping.

                The rain was easing up at last, and I could see Mother and the victim in the headlights of the Renault. His head was on her lap. Brother Barry loomed over them, holding an umbrella high in a tired hand. Thunder rolled.

                They were having a conversation when I arrived. He apologising, probably. She reassuring, definitely.

                “Johnny!” she said as she saw me, “Ambulance coming? What’s wrong?”

                “I don’t know!” I said, hardly able to speak.

                “What do you mean you don’t know?’ She said, alarmed. Her face, washed by the rain, looked horribly pale. Her eyes rimmed with smudged black.

                “I don’t know! The man said two hours!”

                “Two hours! You idiot!”

                “Please do not worry Madam”, the man said from her lap, “My brother can come.”

                “And how exactly will you inform your brother to come and get you? Don’t be ridiculous Daniel. This is Daniel, this is my son Johnny.”

                “Baasie,” the old man tried to nod in my direction.

                “So”, Mother continued, “Did you tell them this man is badly injured?”

                “Yes. Then I – I – I swore at him.”

                “You what????”

                “I’m sorry Mommy. He was so rude. He wanted to know if the injured is white or black.”

                “Oh God,” Mother said. “I hate those idiots.”

                “Please leave me here Madam. The ambulance will come. You mustn’t worry about me.”

                At this point exit my sister Annie from the car. “Mommy!” she shrieked, “I’m cold and I’m wet! Can’t we go home now?”

                “For God’s sake!” Mother said. “This is an emergency, can’t you see?”

                “But I’m cold! I’m cold, I’m wet, I’m hungry!” My dear five-year-old sister protested.

                “Yeh and what about me?” Barry interjected. “And Granny will be worried. She was making supper.”

                “Shut the FUCK up!” Mother may have said at this stage, or she may not. My memory has smudged in this area.

                But what I do remember is: Daniel was helped into the car where the passenger seat was lain horizontal, and we three kids were crammed into the tiny space behind. My formidable mother then drove all the way to Baragwanath hospital without a windscreen, warm wet wind winding about us, Daniel bravely protesting the whole way. And when we got there, Mother made sure he was treated speedily and well. He had a broken leg, I remember.

                I will never forget the sight of the new Renault, when we returned to it from Casualty. No windscreen, the front seats spattered with glass like diamonds, blood all over the passenger seat.

    Mother was certainly a formidable woman for whom every life mattered. A member of the Black Sash, she had protested boldly against Apartheid on many occasions and suffered for it. She taught me never to accept injustice. The South African Police in the days of Apartheid wrote the manual on murdering, torturing, arresting at whim members of the black population. Mother now lies in her bed in San Diego, her mind eroded to a shadow by Alzheimer’s. Brother has become a doctor and has made incredible advances in Rheumatology. Sister became a lecturer in Black Languages at University and has been fighting injustice ever since. This was only one of the so many lessons Mother taught us – that black lives matter. As to Daniel? I know that he received a new bicycle, several hundred rand and died not long after. I wish I knew more.

    A note on FORMAT, especially for my dear writing mentees who are encouraged (as are you) to comment on this story either in the Jon Elkon’s Writers and Readers Group on Facebook or here: NEVER use double-spacing between paragraphs, as well as indentation, as you will see WordPress has done to the story above when I copied and pasted from Word. Indentation should be used for fiction, except for section breaks. Obviously when submitting for publication, the whole thing should be double-spaced and justified. (The latter is arguable).

  • Short Stories! Musings, madness, poetry….

    from the author of whom Hilary Mantel wrote “…fairly waltzes the reader along…the mixture of the mundane and the fantastic is deceptively artless, the prose full of energy and humour, and beneath the playfulness there is an undertow of pain…”

    Whether you enjoy drama, humour or satire, you will find a story to haunt or delight you on jonelkon.com. Read the selection below and if you want more click on blog, Short Stories and plunge into my mad world. You are very welcome!

    SHORT STORIES: follow these links. Here’s a small selection from my website. There are many more!

    DRAMA! A selection from the NASTY LITTLE THINGS collection…

    Identity: An identity-swap that goes spectacularly wrong… http://jonelkon.com/identity/\

    Tube Surf: A life-or death contest on the London Underground has horrible consequences. This story was going to be a film until TFL put a ban on it! http://jonelkon.com/tube-surf-no-exit/

    Albert: The guys downstairs get a dog, but the loner upstairs can’t stand it! With horrible consequences…http://jonelkon.com/albert/

    Pillion: Would you be the pillion passenger on a motorbike driven by the guy whose wife you’ve just seduced?…http://jonelkon.com/pillion/

    A Beast: He can kill people with his mind!….http://jonelkon.com/a-beast-a-short-story/

    Darkness: A very dark post-Apocalypse tale. Cannibalism and murder are essential for survival…http://jonelkon.com/darkness/

    Apocalypse Then: It’s the end of the world! Again! Written before the Corona Crisis, but very creepily appropriate. http://jonelkon.com/apocalypse-then/

    There are many more! Explore!

    HUMOUR: At times like this, laughter is better than medicine!

    The Donkeys Kick Back – a dodgy car salesman gets his just desserts!…http://jonelkon.com/the-donkeys-kick-back-buying-a-used-car/

    Report from Earth: An alien comes to Earth to assess it for possible colonisation, and accidentally becomes President of the USA! There are 4 reports. Read the first one here:http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/

    QUICKIES: VERY short stories! Flash Fiction, for example. The story has to be no more than 500 words. And MegaSagas. No more than 100 words! I have run three competitions for MegaSagas, and have had wonderful entries. Check http://jonelkon.com/the-megasaga-100-goes-to/

    There will be more competitions! Keep an eye on jonelkon.com!

    Have a look through the Short Stories section and you will find several Flash Fiction and Megasagas written by me….

    SHORT STORIES FROM RAGAZZO, my novel-in progress.

    Some Sex: Can a castrato have sex? In the 1920s, preparations for the production of a Handel Opera go nuts …http://jonelkon.com/some-sex/

    A Victory for Vittorio: Vittorio is the Hunk of the Village, and you can be sure he’ll use his looks to save his son! http://jonelkon.com/a-short-story-from-the-ragazzo-a-novel-in-progress/

    Intermezzo: In the 1880’s, Sr Capodimonte, a director of Opera at La Scala Milan, finds himself the victim of a blackmail which could destroy his career….http://jonelkon.com/intermezzo/

    THE BLOG!

    Years of musings, madness, rants, roaming through politics, philosophy and people in a collapsing world. You will be amused, alarmed, angry, but never bored. Surf through the months and read whatever appeals to you. http://jonelkon.com/blog/

    THE POETRY

    A few selected poems from my collection SOME DAY SOON. If you like them, get the book! Amazon, natch or link below.http://jonelkon.com/category/poetry/

    THE BOOKS

    If you enjoy my writing read my books! Escape to the world of Apartheid South Africa in the sixties in UMFAAN’S HEROES. Or London in the seventies – hippies, drugs and spies in LASZLO’S MILLIONS. Then, visit the British outback – a suburban world in which Sally has decided not to accept her cancer, and to do absolutely anything to beat it, including murder in SALLY’S ROAD.

    Details in the side panel.

    …and look forward to my next novel RAGAZZO which will delight and amaze! A serial killer stalks the world of Opera in the 1920’s. And maybe he has every right to be somewhat miffed….!

    …you are very welcome..

    I love you all.

  • A Megasaga for New Year!

    WHO NOSE

    Lenny was convinced that a nose-job would bring him a better job, more sex and much more confidence. The NHS was no help, so he began to save as much money as possible. He was so desperate that he missed meals, traded the car for a bicycle, moved into a cheaper flat. Debts mounted as almost every penny from his Tesco job went into his savings account. Eventually the magic £3,500 was reached and he booked himself into the Wellington for the operation. In the Waiting Room, his eyes locked with receptionist Jemima’s. “You are my perfect man”, she said.

    CAN YOU WRITE A MEGASAGA? It has to be EXACTLY 100 words, excluding the title. WIN £100! The Megasaga Competition is coming! Watch this space.

  • A Megasaga for Xmas!

    A Megasaga has to be 100 words exactly excluding the title. Can you write one? Here’s a nasty little one for you.

    Dead Letter
    Once he had washed the corpse, he began to dress it. A fine organza dress, a blouse made of the best Brussels lace, elegant kid gloves. Carefully, he applied makeup. Not entirely efficiently. The lipstick was somewhat smeared and the rouge a trifle excessive. Then he fitted a pair of leopard skin stiletto heeled shoes on the feet. He stepped back, admiring his handiwork. Looks good! Time to invite the family into the Drawing Room to view the corpse. “All right Dad?” he said to the corpse. “I forgive you now. My revenge is complete!” and he opened the door.
  • IDENTITY

    IDENTITY

    A story by Jon Elkon and Gavin Daniel

    According to legend, Queen Elizabeth I rested under an oak at the summit of One Tree Hill on her way to visit Lewisham in 1602. The current oak is the third on the site, planted in 1905. (Wikipedia)

    1. Fuck it

    Brendan watched the Shard carefully, fully expecting it to take off any minute. From his bench on One Tree Hill in the South-East of London he could see the whole City laid out like a pincushion, the stark, ugly modern buildings insulting the sky. He took a swig from the vodka bottle, enveloped in its brown paper condom to hide it from park-keepers or police eyes.

    “Fuck it”, he said.

    Basically, he thought, if this was a cliff I’d fucking jump over it.

    His mind was beginning to take refuge in the stifling, delicious mist of vodka. But before he took refuge, he was thinking – where is she now. Where is she, also. She and she. Wife and daughter. What is she doing now. And what is she doing now. Dead and alive. Dead and alive. Dead wife, disappeared daughter.

    Fuck them.

    I know what I’m doing now.

    I’m getting drunk is what I’m doing.

    Two weeks ago he was fired. He had made two resolutions at the time. One: to quit drinking. Two: to find daughter Sara and somehow make it up with her.

    Instead here he was on a park bench with a bottle in his hand.

    Fuck it.

    It was like when he left the paras. Same thing. Resolution one, to quit drinking. Resolution two, to make everything nice with Megan and Sara. So what happened? He got drunk. He got kicked out. He got divorced. Megan died. That was eight years ago. Now it’s too late.

    She was such a lovely little thing, Sara. It was such a lovely little life.

    Fucked it. Fucked everything.

    Blood and bone. Shreds of brain. Desist! Delete!

    “So tell me, why are you drinking? Brendan looked up, shocked to see a man sitting next to him. He looked around. All the other benches were unoccupied. Why had some idiot sat next to him!

    “What’s it to you? Mind your own business mate. This is my bench.”

    “I’m only asking because you look ex-military to me. What was it? Paras?”

    “How did you know! You paras?”

    “No, navy. I was a Commander. You?”

    “Officer eh? Nah, not so posh. I was a sergeant.”

    “Afghanistan?”

    “Ten years. NI, Germany, Afghanistan, the lot.”

    “So that’s why you drink?

    Brendan looked at his seat-companion carefully for the first time. He was relatively well-dressed, although there was something very slightly scuffed about the shoes; the jacket could have done with a good cleaning. Nevertheless the image was that of a gentleman. The clothes were certainly expensive, well cut. The accent was that of a counties Englishman, possibly public school. Posh.

    Brendan had spent ten years following orders delivered in that accent, and he felt a moment’s resentment, hackles rising just a little at the thought of being condescended to.

    Until the warm miasma from the vodka put fog between them and he grinned. “Would you like a shot?” he asked, offering the bottle.

    “I haven’t touched alcohol for ten years. It almost wrecked my life,” the other man said.

    “Well no fear ‘my friend’,” Brendan said, “It’s certainly wrecking mine! and you know what? That’s fine by me! ”

    “Lovely view,” the man said. Then, after a sigh and a silence during which each man had their own thoughts about the City below, “Think of all the money sitting down there. Think of all the men and even women, making the stuff, wasting the stuff…”

    “Hah!” Brendan said. “Just a tiny pinch of that stuff would save me from being kicked out of my flat! I hate the bastards.”

    “Really? What’s your name?”

    “Brendan. Howdydoo. You?”

    “Arnie. Good to meet a brother.”

    “Army and Navy! Cousins maybe”

    “No, we both fought for our country. Brothers. Comrades in arms.”

    “Right then. Brothers! Comrades!” They formally shook hands.

    “I suppose I should salute, you being an officer.”

    “Nonsense,” Arnie smiled.

    “I shall call you Commander. Do you mind that?”

    “Very good sergeant. I shall call you Brendan.”

    “Cheers!” Brendan took a large glug of the vodka and felt safe, for the first time in years.

    And so the two brothers sat on that bench in the late Summer sunshine, chatting, sharing their lives for a while. As Brendan took refuge more and more in his bottle, his story flowed out. He told the Commander about his terrible experiences in Afghanistan, about watching his commanding officer, who he revered, getting his brains shot out. How he had returned to the UK with a serious drinking problem. How Megan eventually gave him his marching orders, forcing him to leave his beloved daughter Sara, aged twelve at the time.

    In return Arnie told his companion about his recent divorce from Marnie, how she had demanded half his wealth, and his fury at her serial unfaithfulness, which he only discovered on his discharge from the navy.

    “Women, innit.” Said Brendan. “Come on mate, one drink won’t hurt you.”

    “Not a chance!” Arnie waved the bottle away. “Look at you,” he said, “You’re not much different to me. Same height, same build, but look at you! Look what the drink has done.”

    “I know sir,” Brendan said. “Don’t think I don’t know. This is my life now.”

    “So tell me, Brendan. If your daughter were to see you now, what would she think?”

    The thought descended like a deep, damp shadow. Brendan shook his head. A tear escaped his eye, wiped away.

    Arnie put an arm around Brendan’s shoulders. “Listen here mate, listen carefully,” he said. “Look. I believe everything is fated. It was your fate to meet me.”

    “Yeh?”

    “I am here for a reason. We can fix this!”

    “Yeh? You a miracle worker?”

    “I’ll tell you something my lad. You are the miracle worker. If you accept my guidance. Look, let’s make a start. What do you say old boy?”

    “With respect, Commander, I don’t know you – “

    “Let’s think, right? What do you need? Rent, for starters. Seeing your daughter for the first time in years. All you need to do is to stop drinking. I will help you with all that. That’s the deal.”

    “The deal?”

    “Give me your landlord’s details. I will send him all your back rent, and a month’s rent in advance. “

    “Why? Why do you do this?”

    Arnie shook the man gently, laughed. “Look at this beautiful day as the first day of the rest of your life and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! We’re brothers! Comrades! When I see a brother in distress it’s my duty to help. I’ve got the money. It’s my duty. Simple.”

    Brendan turned and stared at his new friend. Looked back at the Shard. Then he stood up, and with a mighty heave, tried to hit the building with the bottle.

    *

    1. First Blood

    A month passed quickly. At Arnie’s insistence Brendan taped a home-made poster to his wall, headed BRENDAN BATTLES BOTTLE. Here he recorded each and every day without drink and how he felt about it. Arnie visited frequently, and monitored progress closely.

    And then one day Brendan found Sara. It was far easier than he thought it would be. He found her on Facebook.

    The last time he saw her was at Megan’s funeral. That day was a recurring nightmare. He would never forget how Sara, seeing him, had come up to him (she was only fifteen then) after the service to say “You killed her. You killed my mother. You killed her with your bottle and your divorce. I hate you! Why did you come. I hate you! Fuck off, father. Fuck off!”

    There had been no point in saying that Cancer killed Megan. Big C. Cancer which had spread from breast to spine to lymph nodes and torn out the life of his ex-wife. It felt as if the blame was his. The divorce had been bitter, synchronised as it was almost perfectly with the advance of the cancer. And her death followed the Decree Absolute like the full stop to a life sentence. After the funeral he withdrew almost gratefully from the bleak role of the weekend dad, leaving Sara to grow up with her loving grandparents who hated him with the same vehemence as he had felt from his daughter.

    He hadn’t seen her for eight years. Then he found her on Facebook.

    When Arnie knocked on the door, he found Brendan drunk, sunken so deep into self-pity that he was almost submerged.

    Arnie slapped him across the face. “Idiot! What have you done to yourself!” He took the man roughly by the arm and dragged him to the bathroom. He was furious. “Idiot!” He held his head down in the bath and turned on the cold shower. “You fuck! You’ll ruin everything!” He pushed Brendan’s head into the ice-cold needles of water, shaking him, swearing at him.

    Eventually he tired and Brendan collapsed on the floor, blood pouring from his nose.

    “Jeeeeesus Christ” Arnie said with disgust, ripping an arm’s length of toilet paper from the roll and throwing it at his head.

    Brendan held the paper to his nose and began to sob.

    “What happened? Why did you start drinking? Where did you get the money for the drink?”

    “Got my Jobseeker’s Allowance” Brendan managed to say, between sobs. He then eventually explained how he had found Sara online, how that had brought up the bad memories, how the bottle had reappeared in his life.

    “Listen to me now, Sergeant. This shall not pass. Look at us!” He took Brendan roughly by the collar and drew him up, so that both their faces were reflected in the bathroom mirror. “Look at us! We are not very different are we. Same bone structure, same type of hair. Agree?”

    “That’s true” Brendan said.

    “But one big difference, right? I’m fighting fit, right? You’re fucked, right?”

    Brendan stared at his own addled, raddled, bloody face. “Yes sir, “ he said and started to weep.

    “Don’t start that again. Clean yourself up. Come into the sitting room. And hurry up. I’ve got an idea for you.”

    “Pay attention now Sergeant.” A cleaned-up somewhat sobered Brendan sat slumped on the grubby sofa. Arnie paced impatiently, turning on his heel to face his – what? Client? – when he wanted to emphasize a point. “I sent your landlord your rent, as you know. I paid your back rent. You need money for next month. And the next month. And the next. Am I right?”

    “I’ll get a job.”

    “Don’t make me laugh. What were you? Buildings superintendent? Security?”

    “Security. They fired me for drink.”

    “And you think you’ll get a reference? Don’t make me laugh. No, listen to me. You think you’re the only one with problems? Remember I told you my ex-wife is suing me for everything I’ve got?”

    “Yes sir.”

    “So I need to disappear. So this is what we are going to do. You are going to give me your identity, and I am going to give you your life.”

    “I – I dentity sir?”

    “Remember our faces in the mirror? Show me your driving licence. You have one have you? Not lost it through the drinking?”

    “I have one. Never needed it. I haven’t owned a car for years.” Brendan withdrew a battered wallet from a drawer, extracted a dog-eared driving licence from its depths.

    Arnie inspected it carefully. ”I see I need to grow a beard. No problem that. Then I get a photograph, they will ask for one up-to date. You tell the DVLA you’ve lost your licence and we change the address to mine. You sign.”

    “I’m not sure – “

    “You want your bills paid, don’t you? You want food. I have a lot of money, money’s no problem.”

    “Money’s no problem….” Brendan echoed.

    “Once I have the driver’s licence, I need a bank account. For my lots of money. Where she can’t get it, understand?”

    Brendan sniffed, black blood beginning to flow again. “Yes sir.” He said.

    Blood and bone. Shreds of brain

     

    1. Pain and Money

    Gradually Brendan’s dependence on his Commander grew, as his dependence on the bottle declined. In a way the one was replacing the other. He didn’t suffer terribly from the symptoms of withdrawal. For most of it, Arnie was there, or if he couldn’t make it he would sent a taciturn Italian, his “friend” Spoletta, who would deposit food and medicines, and mysterious tablets to “make it better.”

    Gradually Brendan was returning to something like the person he would have been had he not taken refuge in drink. In a way he was becoming a new person, as if his former personality was dissolving. At first this was reassuring. Arnie was reassuring.

    Arnie’s violence in the bathroom really showed that he cared, didn’t it? Yet now he knew that if he didn’t follow orders there would be consequences. Probably in blood.

    In the mornings Brendan had developed the habit of going for his breakfast to Lindy’s Café around the corner from his flat. Here he could get a Full English – two eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, beans for £4.90 in the company of a bizarre mixture of locals and hipsters enjoying the Full Veggie, cooked trendily in sunflower oil which, unbeknownst to them, had gained its delicious flavour from the bacon it had been used for several times. Here Brendan stared at the screen of his laptop, a gift from Arnie, and stared at the Facebook Page of his daughter Sara.

    Did he dare make a friend request.

    He had faced this dilemma ever since he had found the page online. And for the umpteenth time he went through Sara’s photos. There was Megan with Sara as a child. There were Sara’s friends, maybe a boyfriend? Ex boyfriend? School friends. There were no pictures of him. Very few personal details, but the page had apparently no privacy control, and seemed to have been neglected for at least two years, there were no recent posts at all.

    It said, “Lives in Clapham”. Clapham! Down the road a bit. Clapham!

    “Chris! Fuck me, it’s Chris!” A lean, dark Asian man had come up to him and was whispering urgently in his ear.

    “What – ?”

    “What the hell are you doing here man! Get out! They’re looking for you everywhere. I tell you, Armed lot as well!”

    “I’m not Chris,” Brendan said.

    “Yeh yeh not Chris, fine, not Chris. Whatever. Just get out of here. Quick!”

    “Fuck off mister. I don’t know you. I’m not Chris. I’m having my breakfast,” Brendan said, and once the man had disappeared, went back to his screen, his dilemma, and his sausages.

    That afternoon Arnie appeared at the flat, as he had so often that week. “How are we doing sergeant?” he asked. “Clean today?” He inspected the poster on the wall upon which Brendan had written “Breakfast. Facebook. Zero alcohol. “Is this true? You know what happens if you start lying to me?”

    “Yes Commander!” Brendan gave a cheery mock salute. “Clean as a whistle today. I swear it.”

    Arnie sat next to him on the sofa, patted him on the shoulder. “You know what? I’m starting to feel just a little – just a little proud of you Brendan. You’re even putting on weight! Let’s have a look.”

    The two men went to the bathroom and Brendan, after removing his jacket, stepped on the bathroom scale. He weighed just under two hundred pounds.

    “Improvement!” Arnie said, and replaced Brendan on the scales. He weighed twenty pounds more. “We’re getting there eh? I’m slimming, you’re putting on weight, very soon we’ll weigh the same. Brothers, eh?” He laughed. “So how are we facially, let’s see.” They faced the mirror together. Side by side, the differences between the two had diminished. Arnie now had a neat, white trimmed beard which was almost identical to Brendan’s, when they met. If more neatly trimmed. Brendan’s beard had been carefully removed, revealing a face which was eerily similar to Arnie’s at that time. “Not bad,” he said. “I think I’m ready for the photo booth. What do you say?”

    “I’m not …” Brendan said. “I’ll get – “

    “Look here Sergeant! I told you and I told you, there’s no risk to you!”

    “It’s not I’m ungrateful to you sir – “

    “You are! You are! You’re fucking ungrateful!” Arnie grabbed a handful of shirt and forced Brendan back into the sitting room, where he roughly pushed him down onto the sofa. “You don’t get cold feet on me now, right? Who’s paid your rent?

    “You, sir.”

    “Who’s stopped you drinking?”

    “You sir.”

    “Who’s going to help you find your daughter?”

    “…You are….”

    “Yes I am.” He sat on the armchair facing Brendan. “SO, “ his tone changed instantly from threatening to concerned. “Where are we on that project?”

    “I told you I found her on Facebook.”

    “That’s an old page. Says she lives in Clapham. She doesn’t. My people checked. Don’t worry. We will find her.”

    “I’m grateful sir. I was wondering, should I make a friend request?”

    “On no account. I will find her.”

    Brendan sighed. He had resolved to trust this man, this angel who had suddenly appeared in his life, apparently to make everything better. Apparently. Yet he knew there was a price to pay. And that made him feel distinctly uneasy.

    “When we find her,” he said, “you’ll be ready to face her. Now make me tea,” Arnie commanded. “Got cake?”

    Brendan rose, went to the grubby kitchen where a tired kettle sat on the gas hob, filled it with water, began the Squaddie’s holy tea ritual.

    Every time he made tea, a spark from Afghanistan flared in his mind. He brushed it away.

    Cake. Mr Kipling’s finest. Only the best for the Commander. “I’m not ready. No way am I ready,” he muttered.

    “Aren’t you having one?” Arnie asked as tea and cake appeared on the table at his side.

    “Had one at the Café. Enough. Or I pee all morning.”

    Arnie laughed.

    “Funny thing at the café,” Brendan said. “Chap comes up to me, calls me Chris – “

    “What – ?” A drop of tea escaped from the mug and leapt to its death onto Arnie’s black trousers.

    “Talked to me like he knew me. Warned me to get away. Said people were looking for me. I told him – “

    “What. What did you tell him.” Arnie put the tea down next to him. “What did you tell him.” He repeated more slowly.

    “I said, I’m not Chris. Mistaken identity. Finished my breakfast.”

    “Then? Then what did he do?”

    “He went away. I don’t know.”

    “Jesus!” Arnie said. “What the fuck! What are you doing talking to strange people?”

    “He talked to me – !” Brendan said defensively, cringing back.

    “Describe him. Describe this chap.”

    “Tall, Asian, dark. Big nose.”

    “Fuckkkkkk…..” Arnie sank into thought for a moment. Then, with resolution, “Listen to me. That Chris chap is dangerous. I know him. If that chap thinks you’re Chris he’ll tell – “

    “That wasn’t – “ Brendan was trying to say, the man had seemed to want to protect him. Or rather, to protect Chris, whoever he was.

    “Trust me. Do you trust me – do you trust me???”

    “Yes sir.”

    “Now you listen to me carefully. From now on you’re not going out.”

    “But sir – “

    “No buts! Just for a while, just until this – Chris – is sorted out, clear? Too dangerous for you. I’ll get all your food, whatever you need, delivered, understand? You’re safe here. I’ll take care of you. Safely. Trust me.”

    “But – “

    “I said no buts! No argument! I know what I’m doing!”

    Silence while each man swallowed, breathed, thought.

    “Yes sir,” Brendan said at last.

    “Now my lad, let’s get some paperwork done. Bank account. Insurance. Here we go!” He removed a sheaf of papers from a Waitrose carrier bag and dropped them on the sofa table. “Now – signature practise, eh?!”

    Cabin fever. Solitary confinement. Dependency. A fifty-four year old ex para does not enjoy being trapped. Especially when he is not tied to earth by a bottle. Brendan had stepped out of planes, roamed over foreign lands, had sex with women whose names or language he would never know. His motto: what Megan don’t know don’t hurt her. He had caroused with brothers-in arms, he had held their heads on his lap as they died…blood and bone….

    He had become used to being alone for ages. Alone, yes. Confined, no.

    Now he was entirely reliant on food and supplies delivered by Spoletta or Arnie, unable to go to the launderette or the café, Brendan was gradually, as he expressed it, going nuts.

    The computer was his only connection to the outside world. Luckily he had broadband. When he wasn’t staring at Sara’s Facebook page, his mind roamed Google world. He surfed his whims, starting with history. At what age did Alexander the Great die? Where was Caesar born? What happened at the Battle of Waterloo?

    He read avidly, downloading books on Kindle. He read Xenophon, Herodotus.

    But Brendan was going nuts.

    The door knocked at him. Opened with a key. Spoletta, with groceries.

    “I put in kitchen,” the man said. “Chris he say to tell you, he got news about Sara. He tell you.”

    “Who’s Chris? What news?” Brendan asked.

    “Chris. You know, Arnold. Huh? I put here. I think maybe address.” Spoletta heaved the two heavy Waitrose bags onto the work-surface of the kitchen.

    Brendan’s mind slowly emerged from the depths of fourth-century Athens. What? And wandered back to the cafe and the sweaty Asian who had called him Chris. What?! Address? Chris? Sara?

    Unravelling needed.

    Priorities needed.

    ‘Chris’. Sara.

    “No,” he said suddenly coming to a resolution. “Yes,” he said, changing his mind. “Tell me something – “ as the man started to disappear through the door. “So what did Chris say exactly?”

    “I don’t know. Maybe address.” And like a spectre the man dissolved into the corridor, the door silently sneaking back into its frame.

    So that was Arnie’s real name. Chris. Obvious! That was why – the whole café incident explained, so obvious. The man who thought he was Chris because he had shaved his beard off, because he had put on weight. ‘Chris’ is Arnie! Because he was looking more and more like ‘Arnie’ every day, or rather Arnie when they first met. Idiot! So who the hell was looking for him? “Armed”! Why? All that story about a divorce, a wife who wanted his money – all of that was a lie! Armed men were looking for him.

    Who?

    Two possible answers. Criminal gangs. Or police.

    Jesus.

    Now what.

    ‘Chris’ had Sara’s address, knew how to contact her. ‘Chris’ was most likely on the run from someone. Someone dangerous? Why? Now, with his name and identity, running around free as a bird while he was here, under house arrest, unable to go anywhere, now landed with the face and body of the man who had virtually saved his life and could give him what he most wanted and needed.

    What if – what if ‘Chris’ had transformed him into the perfect copy of himself, so that when he was ready, he would be let out to get shot? So that whoever was searching for the real Chris would stop looking! And then he, as Brendan, would live a full and happy life on his millions?

    Jeeeeezus. He had even mastered Brendan’s signature, as well as his voice! His whole look. The only thing left was his daughter….

    Had he already contacted her? As Brendan?

    Hand shaking, he went on to the DVLA website. Logged in. Went to “Change details”. “Change address”. There it was. Arnie’s address, under Brendan’s name.

    Blast the man. If he’d been allowed a phone, he would have phoned him there and then to tell him he knew what he was up to!

    He would go there. He would confront him. He would tell him to fuck off proper. Man to man. He would tell him to get out of his life. And my God, to leave Sara alone!

    He would go armed.

    1. Blood and Bone

    The Late Summer had finally taken refuge in some remote corner of the Shetlands and a Late Autumn had come out of hiding, bringing skies of a brash blue and a chilly wind. As he exited the tube at Baron’s Court, a vituperative blast presaging winter tickled its way into Brendan’s throat and chest, making him wish he’d brought a scarf.

    He had planned out the short walk to Castletown Road on Google Maps at home, but he realised he didn’t know which road to take. So he popped into a shop to ask.

    A branch of Oddbins.

    Surrounded by alcohol.

    He was shaking as approached the pretty assistant.

    He didn’t know what to say.

    He was shaking.

    Only one thing could put that right.

    “I need a bottle of Vodka,” he said.

    Brendan sat on the bench outside Baron’s Court station and felt the good old warmth, the comforting refuge of Vodka, seep through him. The shaking steadied as the bottle grew lighter. At last. Slowly he began to realise what he would do, what he would say. He touched the knife in his pocket. He felt somewhat stupid to have brought it now. He would try to keep it all sensible. He would say, thank you but I want my life back. Please keep out of my life. Go take someone else’s life, or I’ll be going to the cops. I’ll be putting you in prison for what you’ve done to me, ‘Chris’, or whatever your name is. Identity theft is a crime, right?

    Eventually, he stood up. He felt woozy, unsteady. He hadn’t had a drink for six weeks, he wasn’t used to it. He sat down again, stood up again. Right! Get this done. Get this over.

    He vaguely remembered the Oddbins woman’s directions. Turn right. Second left. Easy. Not easy. Easy.

    Such a smart neighbourhood this. The houses all tarted up, every blade of grass in place, every smart shrub cosy in its terracotta pot, every car worth more money than all the cars he had ever owned, added together. The contrast with his miserable street and his grubby flat was horrible. He felt his resentment rising again. There he was, stuck like a prisoner with his grime and his tat, so that ‘Chris’ could live here!

    21 Castletown Road had three flats, three door buzzers. One had his name on it. B. Leahy First Floor. He pushed the button. No reply.

    The one thing he hadn’t calculated – that ‘Chris’ would be out.

    “Hello Brendan,” a smart elderly woman came towards him up the short path. “Forgotten your key have you?” She smiled, easily. “My word you look better without that beard. Here you are – “ and she unlocked the door, ushered him in.

    “Thanks” he muttered as she let herself into her ground floor flat.

    “Have a nice day” she said and he mounted the stairs to the first floor.

    Now what.

    He pushed the door. Locked, of course.

    Bastard. Now what. Wait?

    No! He didn’t want to wait. The door had two locks, a Chubb, and a Yale. Idly, he took the knife out of his pocket and slipped it between door and frame, where the Yale lock was. Idly, he slipped and pushed. He had seen a locksmith doing this once, when he had lost his key ages ago. The locksmith had used a stiff plastic card, like a credit card. He didn’t have a credit card. The lock yielded. The door opened. The Chubb hadn’t been used. Shit! Did that mean ‘Chris’ had just slipped out, for milk or fags or something, not bothering to lock properly? That he’d be back any minute?

    The living room, onto which the door had opened was pristine, except for a coat lying carelessly on the sofa. A mug of cold half-drunk coffee was on the sofa table.

    He’d wait.

    Bloody surprise the guy! He’s come in expecting nothing! Then what would he see?

    Brendan pulled the bottle from his voluminous pocket, took a deep draft. Don’t need you no more interfering with my life! From now I do what I fucking want! You bastard. Give me my life back.

    He drank more.

    Woozy. Woozy, not seeing straight.

    Sara.

    Her name came to him with a massive sigh of self-pity, which turned into a sob. Fuck him! It just didn’t matter any more. Yes it did. Look what he’s done. Stole my life.

    He stood, angrily, dropped the bottle onto the table. Toilet. Must piss. Toilet.

    A door, a bedroom. On the bed was a suitcase, open, overflowing with bank notes. On the bed, two guns: a Walther pistol and a semi-automatic rifle, with a silencer.

    What!

    Piss first, think second.

    The bathroom en suite. He whipped it out, splashed piss more-or less into the toilet.

    An arm was around his neck, choking. Chris. “You fucking half wit!” the man shouted, pulling him backwards onto the bed, piss spraying everywhere. What the HELL are you doing here! What the FUCK – “

    “Leaveme…” Brendan tried to say “Chris! Leaveme!”

    “What the – what do you know – AND you’re DRUNK! I don’t believe it! You are such a damned loser. How did you – “

    The two men like entwined twins, writhing on the bed like lovers, between guns and money, like wrestlers in some dreadfully unfair contest, the one with the beard obviously with the advantage.

    “You stole my life! I want it back!” Brendan said. “I want it back…”

    “What do you know. Tell me what you know, idiot. Damn it sergeant!”

    “I know what I see! You took my life so you could live like a king! Let me go! Let me go! I’m going to get the police – ”

    “You are NOT going to do that! Understand? You are not going to do that!

    “Let me go!” Brendan tries to writhe free, takes the knife from his pocket.

    They writhe, they struggle. Finally Chris twists the knife out of Brendan’s hand. It falls to the soft carpet without a sound.

    Exhausted, Brendan collapses onto the bed. He has lost the will to fight. He is shaking with sobs.

    Chris sits next to him.

    “All right, sergeant?” he asks, putting a comforting arm around him.

    “Not good, Commander.” Brendan answers.

    They are side-by side, facing the dressing-table mirror.

    “Look at us,” Chris says, “Two sides of the same coin.”

    “Only it’s me, all fucked up. And you, with everything.”

    “You know what has to happen now, sergeant.”

    “Yes Commander. I know. It’s all right. Just promise me one thing.”

    “I promise.”

    The Commander reaches his arm around Brendan’s head and with one swift twist, breaks his neck.

    The Commander’s eyes stream with tears.

    1. Flying Shard

    One Tree Hill. A bench with a superb view of the City of London. Once again the sun shines on the scene, completely oblivious of the teeming creatures desperately fighting, fucking and fretting below. It is midday and a beautiful well-groomed young lady sits nervously, fiddling with her mobile phone, glancing now and then at the Shard and its acolytes clustered below.

    A man approaches. He is in his fifties, also very well groomed. He is not nervous. “Sara?”

    She stands. “Father?”

    They embrace.

    END

    This story was inspired by the true story of Boston gangster Whitey Buldger, as told to me by Gavin Daniel.

    Have a look at this: https://youtu.be/Q9wCA1ST53w

    And thanks to Patricia Highsmith too! I wonder if Ripley’s story was in the slightest way imaginable indebted to Whitey?

  • EARTH: My New Home! Report 4

    EARTH: My New Home! Report 4

    Sender: Agent Dombo (formerly Secret Agent 273536)

    35th of Glob year 222552

    TOP SECRET Report 4

    Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

    All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire! AND All hail the Great Me of Earth!

    This is the last of my Reports, oh Flynge, Madreegail Kapuschi and all! I have great news for you, for me and for this pathetic planet which the inhabitants call “Earth”. And it’s largely your fault.

    You see when you sent me the body I requested, designed to my precise specifications, I admit the torso barbed penis and extra arm were very well constructed. However, you made a serious error on the head.

    …As you can see…..

    I know I said I wanted a head common amongst Earth creatures but apparently this one, while having a better brain than many Humans, prefers to live in swamps and make loud burping noises. I resolved therefore to find one more appropriate. And naturally, taking my lead from your idea, I began my search in the swamp.

    As explained previously the body I was forced to inhabit after the demise of my werewolf, was badly made and badly maintained. A Homeless, or “Fuck Off” (this is the name by which it was often greeted on the streets) has an addled brain which was easy enough to live in, but the most difficult part was the constant fuelling with alcoohole without which it would begin to twitch and quiver. It was therefore a huge effort to drag it around, and I am resolved to transform as many Earthlings as possible into this sub-specie as this will effectively remove any threat to the Aldebaranian Empire. I have other brilliant ideas too. You wait. Just you wait. My loyalty to the Empire can never be put in doubt again.

    At any rate, eventually, deep in an antediluvian swamp I discovered the perfect head. It is a strange shape, true. The hair I have found particularly awkward to arrange, and have therefore had to construct it out of discarded streams of crocodile urine, solidified. The brain, alas, is mush containing many worms and traces of insect life. It is usable. Just.

    I have now attached head and body. Here is a picture of the head, of which I am inordinately proud.

    I will now explain my plan to ensure that this specie will never evolve into a threat to the Empire.

    1. I intend to become the Boss (here they call it a Godfather, or Capo, or President) of this large country I landed in.
    2. Any Humans showing the least trace of courage or resistance will be crushed. Their communications will gradually be destroyed and their media discredited so that no-one believes them any more.
    3. Some Humans are infected with a strange disease called “Compashgin” or sometimes M. Pathy. These will be turned into mushy peas.
    4. Other infections it will be necessary to destroy are: So shall ism, a bizarre system of sharing things! Yes, sharing! I told you they are an inferior species; Juss tees, another crazy idea – whereby if you kill or steal or eat your neighbour they put you in a comfortable room, feed you three times a day and let you have lots of sex. Instead of, as we superior beings do, lauding culprit and celebrating for years! and, of course, the proliferation of genders. It is far too confusing not knowing who to fuck (admittedly we don’t bother much with that ourselves, but Humans do scream so!) Any Human showing traces of gender other than the two I have randomly chosen, will be eaten.
    5. I will embark on a program of extreme carbon emissions, in order to Alderbaraform this climate to be more like our home planet. This has the extra added advantage of causing a great many Human deaths, a process which the stupid Humans have already started. Basically, a very self-destructive life form! Fewer to resist us when we land.

    I have discovered that there are several Humans who will actively help me in this great project of destroying their capability of resisting our invasion. Those who own the planet consist of 1% of the total – they are extremely helpful in most of the projects listed above. This is because they love money as much as I am beginning to, and if I gather as much as possible I will become part of this 1% and will eventually buy them all. Incredible as it may seem, most of the present carbon emissions (previously referred to as ‘farting’) seem to have been caused by this peculiar cabal. All to gather more money. These Humans are so like us! Are you sure we have no agents amongst them? You specifically told me I would be first. I may sulk.

    I will wear this communication device so that we can keep in contact

    Kindly therefore manufacture and transmit Thirty six billion dollars as per the design attached. Ensure the notes are numbered consecutively.

    Incidentally: it has come to my notice that one of the 1% in a country called Roosya has so many characteristics of an Aldebaranian I cannot believe he is an Earthling. If indeed he is one of us, I am certain that we can collude to our mutual benefit.

    p.s. I have intercepted a communication from a Spluvian spy! Yes, our greatest enemies from across the Galaxy are here. Please carefully read the attached in which they attempt to warn Humans of their impending doom. I assure you they will be defeated.

    https://www.seattletimes.com/opinion/an-alien-visitor-phones-home-sos-earth-in-ecological-collapse/

    Best wishes as always. May all your enemies explode, showering their body parts over those you love!

    p.s: CHANGE OF NAME: From now on I will use my Earth Name: Donald J. Trump.

    Part 3 here: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

    SEE REPORTS 1, 2 and 3 linked on this page, top right.

  • Report from Earth Part 3

    Report from Earth Part 3

    Earthlings amazed by my barbed penis and kitten-grabbing extra arm

    Sender: Agent 273536

    NOTE: From now on I am to be known as Dombo. Please do not think I have “gone native”, it’s just easier for Earthlings to remember stupid names than numbers, and when I introduce myself as “273536” their eyes glaze over and their tiny minds seize up.

    30th of Glob year 222552

    TOP SECRET

    Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

    MY BODY HAS ARRIVED! I cannot thank you enough Sir, for your kindness in meeting my every specification. The new body has all I asked for: a barbed penis; the extendable extra arm and hand for grabbing small cats; a viable chest and stomach for the ingestion of human remains; a vestigial brain in which I can comfortably live and operate. One problem however, and this is my fault – it is 37 Blngs tall and made of brass! This is approximately four times the height and width of the average human! I am sure you realise that, were I to inhabit this marvel of Aldebaranian engineering, humans would flee in droves, just as they did when I inhabited the werewolf.

    Please provide new body as per above

    I have left the body in the “shopping mall” (Junk sales area) known as Columbus Circle. Kindly deactivate and replace with one 8 Blngs tall and made or organic carbon-based organic matter as per the picture attached. This is a picture I took through a window in a bathroom, and is the only opportunity I have had to see Humans unclothed.

    Kindly look through my moving picture catalogue which I sent with the last Report, and select an appropriate head. Ensure it has at least a vestigial brain please.

    In the interim I will need to continue to inhabit this ragged broken thing, whose name, it appears, is either “Homeless” or “Fuck off” depending on which other human he (this is, apparently, male) is interacting with.

    Yes indeed! It seems Humans are gendered! Not unlike the Planet Ugindweeg, which we so recently sent into a black hole. There, they had thirteen genders as you will remember. Here, they appear to cluster into innumerable intriguing groups,which they define largely according to who they prefer to have sex with. I have yet to discover all of them, the range being so extremely great. Here are some examples:

    1. Femmy Nine: This gender usually has two extra protuberances above the belt the main purpose of which is to worry about. They spend much time fussing, cosseting and even altering these which somehow appears to define their social status. For sex, the majority appear to be attracted to people with bulges below the belt, possibly because they don’t have one and wish to remove this equipment from a Mass Culin, for which they have invented a behaviour called “marriage”. I will need to “marry” several in order to fit in. I will choose ones with small brains and big breasts.
    2. Mass Culin: This seems to be the dominant gender on this planet, despite the fact that the Femmy Nine have superior brains. Extremely mystifying. This is the reason I have chosen Mass Culin as my gender for my mission. As to their bulge, it is, as previously indicated, called a “penis”. Unlike ourselves it is not detachable, which is a pity. We have a great advantage in being able to attach our penises anywhere, and it is obvious to me that many would benefit from it being stuck to their heads.
    3. Other: These form the majority of people on the planet, and there are so many sub-categories it is impossible to describe them all. As I have reported, they are defined according to their preferred bulges, although there are many who want both. There are also several who prefer neither, and live their lives with a cat.
    4. Other other: These are people who swap genders. They spend a great deal of time being very sad, swap genders and then get extra abuse, making them more sad.
    5. Other Other Other: Research Required.

    As to reproduction, I find it extremely strange that there seems to be no logic in the allocation of infants. Apparently, any Humans who are rubbed together in the right way may be allocated an infant. Very often these are precisely the wrong people to be given one of these (infants on earth are usually leaking. Not just bodily fluids, but they leak a great deal of sound which results in some of them being put to death.) and they spend many years being screwed up. Perhaps this is the reason this planet is so fucked? Research Required.

    Since my last Report I have begun to quite like money. As a “Homeless”, or a “Fuck off” apparently money might be the means of keeping this body from biodegrading and stopping working. Due to the two main fuels needed by this one, Alcoohole and food, I have now realised that the third fuel is money. It all works together. As a result, I have killed and eaten a delicious fat human who was carrying a great deal of the stuff. I will be enjoying him her or it in the next few hours. Once I have done this, I will swap some of the money for Alcoohole and get fucking legless.

    REPORT 4:

    http://jonelkon.com/earth-my-new-home/

    REPORT 1:

    http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/

    REPORT 2:

    http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/

  • Report from Earth: Part 2

    Sender: Agent 273536

    27th of Glob year 222552

    EVEN MORE TOP SECRET

    Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

    All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire! And please give Absnxcz! my regards and tell it to reproduce, so that on my return I will have something nice to eat.

    Day 7

    I have found a fairly comfortable body to live in for a short time. I say a short time because it appears to be rotting quite a bit, as a result largely of the great quantities of a toxic liquid it imbibes. It also does not apparently have any set dwelling, so it gets dirty and smelly.   The initial design you gave me (the Werewolf, you will recall) has been shot so many times mainly by children, mentally unbalanced humans, and so on that it is far too well ventilated for the machinery to function effectively.

    The body before my inhabitation

    I URGENTLY ENTREAT YOU TO MANUFACTURE AND DESPATCH THE DESIGN I SUBMITTED IN MY PREVIOUS REPORT! This one does not have an extendible penis, neither do any of its two arms or two legs work well. I need that extra arm! It also has a number of bacteria and viruses dwelling in parts of it. I have made friends with many of these, but they inform me that they will shortly consume this entire Human, so perhaps I have made an error in assuming humans are the dominant specie. One thing is sure: this one is not going to last long, as it is rapidly biodegrading. I rely on you for a rapid replacement. I know these things take a while due to bureaucracy and Union disputes, but please expedite for my sake!

    Incidentally, on the subject of the fuel used by this Human: it is fiercely inflammable as I discovered yesterday. Realising that the fuel was running out, I followed the easily identifiable smell of it to a building where there were several containers, and helped myself to one. On my removing the top to insert orally, a Human objected vociferously, asking for “money” and making threatening gestures. Naturally I used my Laser Supercannon  B13G to torch the bastard and to my surprise, the entire building erupted into flame. I attempted to apologise for this, but the fellow was far too crisp to respond.

    I am very interested in this word “money” and have now done some extensive research. Here are my findings:

    1: Money is composed of four different elements: paper, metal, plastic and invisible. This is extremely confusing for interplanetary visitors. It would seem that this inordinately illogical planet uses this substance as yet another fuel, along with the liquid described above, (they call the liquid by several different names according to the level of toxicity. For example, ‘alcool’ or ‘bier’ or ‘Misky’ etc. Research Required. For convenience I will refer to it as ‘Alcoohole’), in order to run and ruin their planet. ‘Money’ is however even more scarce and plentiful than Alcoohole.

    2: There are several uses for Money in all its four forms. It is swapped for food quite often, for example, which is utterly confusing when Humans could so easily eat each other for free. Yet in the middle of this strange concatenation of buildings is a huge park, which is entirely wasted by being planted with inedible vegetation, when it could so easily be planted with food for everybody!)

    Another use includes a way of acquiring a vast range of junk from the shiny establishments which range like tentacles (makes me feel so at home) all along wide alleys full of humans and transport methods. Fascinating! Some of this junk is right tintillating but most is utterly useless. For example, humans like to change their clothes all the time, which may be a method of making them look ugly enough to put others off eating them.

    A strangely shaped Human is attracted by a ‘shop’ full of food which is made of junk.

    The other stuff Money is used for, which I call tintillating, in another word, junk. The boxes purveying this stuff (called ‘Shoppez’) are entangling epiphanies of desperation. Their pathetic attempts to drag humans into their boxes we would find hilarious, but Humans seem to be utterly entranced. It is possible that they are attempting to use a similar technique we employ to trap sexual partners or to remove our legs and arms to keep them safe from each-other  – we call it magic. The main magic word they use is “SALE”. This seems to attract gullible humans into the maw of the store, unaware that the word is mere magic, and therefore, a lie. Once trapped inside they vie to shovel money at the predators-in charge in exchange for the junk. Amazing!

    There are many variants of the ‘SALE’ word, all of them magic. For example, ‘two for one offer’, ‘Bargain’ etc.

    As you will have noticed last night I  taught myself their language, which I can read and will soon be able to speak. This will eventually result in a far better understanding of this peculiar planet. Although I have to admit that right now, all I feel is confused and requiring more Alcoohole.

    There is a word which now needs Further Research which sounds a bit like “Intervent” which has something complicated to do with money and the magic used to squeeze many money.

    THEORY: Humans can be divided into PREDATORS and PREY, unlike our beloved home world where we are all predators. Much easier altogether. Further Research Required.

     

    INTERIM CONCLUSION

    It is perfectly obvious that if all Humans resembled the one I am in now there would not be a scintilla of threat to any species within a billion scrawgs of this pathetic planet. However, I have discovered several factors requiring Further Research which may lead to another conclusion.

    Report Ends.

    IF YOU HAVEN’T READ PART 1

    \http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/

    TO Part 3!

     

    http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

     

     

  • REPORT from Earth: Part 1

    REPORT from Earth: Part 1

    Sender: Agent 273536

    24th of Glob year 222552

    TOP SECRET

    Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

    All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire!

    This being my first report I can confirm my safe arrival 5 Earth days ago and it would seem my disguise is not quite adequate for the purpose. I cannot understand, for example, why Shmbx decided to give me four legs, as a hand or three may have made life just a little easier down here. The body it has chosen seems most closely to resemble the Earth species Werewolf. As a result, many earthlings appear to enjoy fleeing from me. Information-gathering is hampered by this phenomenon.

    Kindly send a replacement body. Here are the specifications: The body should be carbon-based and shaped more-or less as per the illustration attached. I would, however, like an extra extendable hand located on the penis, and a brain for me to inhabit. Many of the so-called “humans” here do not seem to have a brain, as will be evidenced within my Report (See para 3.1 below.)

    These are very early days, so my impressions are necessarily sketchy and will need to be confirmed by intensive research.

    Herewith, a summary:

    1. It would seem that “humans” are the dominant specie here, despite intense competition from cockroaches, viruses and bacteria. The reason I select Humans as the focus of my study is that they appear to create more fart than the others, not just from their bodies (pretty repulsive) but from a huge selection of machines and processes with which they decorate most of the land surfaces of their planet. It is possible these have a function beyond mere decoration. Further research focus 1.
    2. They have limited and annoyingly slow methods of transport, most of which are fart-contributors.
    3. Technology seems incredibly primitive: It is possible the small rectangular items they apply to their ears and mouths the moment they see me may be a device to assist their running speed. Research Focus 2.
    4. Their bodies are extremely fragile and easy to break. I have broken 12 so far, and they are quite delicious served with parts of tree.
    5. They appear to reproduce by rubbing up against each other. This is a terribly messy process and is very seldom successful, despite their apparent need to do this on every possible opportunity. I will, as soon as possible, rub up against a live one to see if it makes another.

    I look forward to the arrival of my new body as soon as possible. I apologise for the brevity of this initial Report: apparently this Werewolf body needs a great deal of feeding and a group of schoolchildren has just entered this park which I have made my temporary base. Herewith, specifications for new body. I found this replica in a nearby shopping area, or I think that’s what it was. It could have been a junkyard. Research required.

    KINDLY SUPPLY body as per illustration above:

    HEAD: I will insert my unit here, please ensure there is a viable brain.

    CHEST and STOMACH: Must be capable of digesting human remains.

    HANDS: These must be quite small so they can be anally inserted.

    This part is called a PENIS. Ensure it is barbed, and capable of growing to triple its size. Kindly insert an extra extensible arm and hand just above the penis, capable of reaching under the clothing of female humans.

    LEGS AND FEET: Must be oiled and capable of sliding about at great speed when danger looms. Add small jet engine.

    Love to Absnxcz!

    PART 2 is HERE

    http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/

    Part 3 is here!

    http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

    With thanks and acknowledgements to Lenny Henry for the idea. You’re a genius Len!

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07c2v2p

  • ALBERT

    Another story in the Nasty Little Things collection.

     

    Albert was the personification, the exemplification, the ultimate stereotype of the cranky old loner. His clothes expressed it, declared it, celebrated it. His face, his stubble, the curve of his back, the ground-out whisper of his voice – all of it told his history of disappointment and loss.

    Albert had lived in his raised-ground floor in Turnpike Lane for thirty years and the contents made a point about each one of those years. This bought then, this found in a skip then, this given then and then and then, until the givers died or forgot. These kept in case they might be useful one day: tools, miscellaneous cutlery, pieces of wood, old bills, travel books, tattered copies of National Geographic, photographs in grubby frames containing grainy images of dead people.

    Was Albert happy? Stupid question.

    On the day he retired from his job with the Crannery Partnership (a legal firm for which he fulfilled the role of clerk) he said at his poorly attended retirement party “Thank you for the watch and for sentencing me to death. Retirement, dear colleagues, is a death sentence, no remission. I have hated working here and you are a bunch of wasters and sharks. See you on the other side.” Which was one way of ensuring no birthday cards from that lot.

    It was a cheap gold-plated watch. They hadn’t even bothered to inscribe it, so he took it to the local jewelers on the High Street on his way home and had the message “To Albert with thanks and admiration for thirty years of service” engraved on the back.

    Back at his flat Albert sat on the tattered grimy sofa surrounded by clutter in indecision. Now what. Everybody said when you retire you must have something to do. Really? Albert wasn’t interested in anything on the Something to do for Retirees list. University of the Third Age? The Green Party? Work in a charity shop? Visit museums? The National Trust? Go on a cruise? Really? None of it appealed.

    Cup of tea. When in doubt, make tea.

    From his window he looked down at the ragged garden below. It was attached to the basement flat, and never failed to depress and annoy him. None of the many tenants who had come and gone, come and gone had ever cared for the garden. Why, he wondered, as the kettle began its agonizing climb to a frantic boil, why would anyone rent a garden flat and not care for the garden?

    Voices wafted up from the flat below. The new tenants. Two men in their twenties, both what he would have called “Duskies”, that is, of some dark-skinned origin that he was not interested in defining. In his ignorance Albert regarded all non-whites as being of the same ilk, and kept his distance.

    He reached out to close the double-glazed kitchen window. He had no desire whatsoever to hear anything at all. He had no curiosity about these men; his main concern was to keep himself to himself.

    But then, suddenly, they both emerged from the downstairs flat onto the patio area. Albert froze, realizing that closing the window would make a noise which would make them look up, and he had no desire for conversation. The kettle had reached its crescendo, and fulfilled its function once more. So Albert reached for his mug, a tea bag and poured the steaming liquid slowly into the cup.

    And then there was another noise from downstairs which made his hand go very still.

    It was a bark.

    “Oh no!” he thought. “They’ve got a dog! They’ve got a bloody dog!” And thoughts tumbled around in his gnarled and bitter mind.

    Oh no. A barking dog could disturb, intrude on sleep, annoy, shit all over the place. A bloody dog.

    But then other thoughts.

     

     

    Albert was not a Londoner. He had grown up in a small house in Guildford, Surrey, which he shared with his mother. She was a very dedicated shop-assistant, who had worked for Holland and Barrett in the town for many years. His father had died or disappeared or run away when he was two. Mother wouldn’t speak about him. In fact, she wouldn’t speak about much at all. She did all her motherly duties as conscientiously as she did her duties in the shop. He was well fed, sent to a local school, dressed well enough not to be picked on by classmates or picked out by teachers.

     

    Then one day when he was twelve, mother brought a dog home. “He was tied up outside the shop,” she said, “abandoned. He’s only young. Do you want him?” She may have been telling the truth. Or she may have bought the creature, thinking, my lonely son needs a companion.

    Albert had no experience with dogs, and no interest in them either.

    Dog and boy stared at each-other, appraising.

    The boy saw a young Springer Spaniel, ears cocked, head slightly to the side. Black and white, so very vulnerable, and in his eyes a desperate yearning loneliness.

    The dog saw a pasty fat boy, dressed in his school clothes, the crumbs of  tea-cake lingering around his mouth, so very vulnerable, and in his eyes a desperate yearning loneliness.

    The dog made the first move. He went up to Albert, continuing to look him straight in the eye, and gently prodded him with a paw.

    “He wants to shake hands,” Mother said.

    The boy was nonplussed. He extended a hand.

    Then the dog went up on his hind legs and sniffed, evaluating. Albert froze. Then, very carefully with his tongue, he removed the tea-cake crumbs from the boy’s lower lip. It was a caring gesture.

    Albert hadn’t experienced affection any time in his life up to now. Inside him, something broke. He felt as if at last, here was someone who understood him. Crying, he hugged the dog.

    “What should we call him?” Mother asked.

    “Mr Magoo,” the boy said, remembering the cartoon character who had made him so laugh.

    The two became constant companions, only separated when Albert was at school. The dog always accompanied him to the gates; the first day or two, he was desperately sad when Albert would not let him in, and shooed him home, but came to realize that this was one place he could not go. Eventually he learned to go back home, as the wait outside was really far too long for a young dog full of energy, who really needed to spend a lot of time chasing things and exploring. He did, strangely, seem to know when school finished for the day. He was always there, alert, full of expectation and delight.

    Outside of school hours boy and dog walked miles; explored rivers; argued over balls or quite large branches of trees, which Magoo enjoyed carrying and worrying, for hour after hour. Albert had no need of friends, and other students had no need of him.

    For five years boy and dog were the perfect pair. Until the day Magoo wasn’t waiting for him outside the school gates.

    Albert running through the streets, searching. Albert in rising panic. Fear, for the first time in his life.

    And horror and inconsolable grief when the corpse of his friend was deposited on the doorstep by an anonymous person that evening, who no doubt had seen the address on the tab on Magoo’s collar, brought the body, rang the bell, ran away.

    Probably the driver whose wheels had crushed the life out of Mr Magoo.

     

     

    Albert looked out of the window when he heard the men go inside, leaving the dog tied up in the garden. A Springer Spaniel, black and white.

    Leaning out of the window as far as he could safely lean, Albert stared at the dog which, when he heard sounds from above, looked up and stared back at him.

    Silently, four eyes locked.

    The dog cocked his head, ears raised. He sniffed the air.

    Albert felt tears in his eyes, on his cheeks. “Magoo?” He whispered.

    The dog gave a whispered whine.

    Obsessions came easily to Albert. A belief once held took root and the roots became entangled and entwined. And this obsession certainly seemed to be mutual. Albert would find tearing himself away from the window a virtual impossibility, made essential however when his human neighbours came out into the garden. When that happened, Albert would shrink into the kitchen, a shadow amongst the dust grime and dirt, with his ears cocked for every word or sound.

    All that evening he was to and fro from that window like a ghost possessed by a ghost. Whenever the dog’s owners were about, Albert withdrew. And then, when they went in his head would instantly pop out of the window.

    It was a relatively warm evening and the two men were enjoying it. From their conversation Albert realised that they were planning on doing something with the garden. This would have pleased him – it would be good to have a pleasant view, growing things, a bit of green. But Albert’s mind had been thrown into disorder. As if someone with a big stick had reached into his brain and stirred it about. The word “Magoo” was the stick. Swirling about in there, memories of sunny afternoons and boats made of corrugated iron sinking in the stream at the bottom of the road, boy and dog swimming to the bank. Of running across fields feet tangling with paws, struggling for possession of a ball, with the almost demented joyful barks of the dog punctuating his laughter. Of lying on his bed with a book, the dog asleep across his legs, as close as his heart.

    Eventually, the men took the dog inside for the night.

    Albert did not sleep. Memories, emotions, decisions made and abandoned, but above all, memories. And the growing conviction that the dog downstairs was Magoo himself.

    There was no logic to this. Perhaps he thought that the dog had been reincarnated. Or maybe, hadn’t died fifty years ago. And was somehow back, looking for him.

    And this could have been the conviction that led him to the decision that he would take the animal back. So that boy and dog could be where they belonged.

     

     

    It took three weeks for someone to realize that the smell coming from Albert’s flat was worrying. The two tenants downstairs raised the alarm. A balmy few days of summer had condensed the air around the patio into an unmoving miasma, which became utterly stench-laden, until finally Jeff and Josh called the Council who called the police who broke the door down. As it yielded to the sledgehammer, a small and frantic Springer Spaniel shot out into the corridor. The men, suffused with relief and incredulity, cradled the dog.

    Albert lay on his bed, his face a picture of abject horror. His throat had been ripped out and his naked body was a mess of blood.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Image: dogtime.com

     

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