675th of XZblishl year 222561
Deep Secret (But Not For Long)

1.1 Introduction

Oh hail GREAT SKONG, CEO OF THE Aldeberanian Empire of planets!  what a joyful day! It would seem that at last our agents have achieved our 1,000,000-year  objective: the destruction of Human life on Earth and most other life too. This will allow us untrammelled access to the Plastic Mines, the Porn Fields,  the liquefied and gasified fossils, and oh joy oh joy the nuclear explosives and heavenly radiation so that we can use them to destroy all life on other planets too!

In case your other Agents have to yet report – and I’m certain they haven’t, as I’ve blown them up with up their Intergalactic Multiverse Communicators, here is my Report.

1.2 Field Agent Reports

1.2.1 THE USELESS STATES
Since the decline and defeat of our beloved Agent 273536 , known to us as DumbAss and by Earthlings as Donald J Trump, ~ I had thought that the Useless States were lost to us, but fortunately he has been replaced by a rapidly biodegrading human variant, who poses little or no threat to anyone. Our dear Dumbold J. Ass continues every attempt to undermine this Bide-a wee and who knows, in their year 2024 the Amerigoons could select Our Man again, which could see our project of destruction in the Uselessness Statues proceed once more. But read on! He may not, in the end, be necessary which will save us  billions of slave-brains on toast, his favourite food.

1.2.1 GROSS BRITSKI 
Boriski Jobsworth, Chief executive of Gross Brittania plc ltd. has been working tirelessly for the destruction of his island and its provinces. He has helped, for instance,  in every way to facilitate the spread of the  deadly Cow Vid, the often fatal disease spread by tiny Bill Gateses which zoom about on minuscule flying bovines looking for suitable bodies to enter and shred. 

To make sure of maximum fatalities, he had already destroyed the Health Service, which could  have limited  the spread of the Pan Demic (named after Peter Pan Demic, a legendary fairy) and so once the Billgateses had bored their way into almost everybody (something they almost succeeded in doing with Windows 10) Hospitals had nothing to do but let the bodies pile high. 

It was a worthy effort, especially when the whole world joined in getting infected, but despite all his efforts, alas, and those of the tribe called the Deniers, far too many humans survived.

For the full background and previous Reports see http://jonelkon.com/not-boris-johnson-another-aldeberanian-hero/

1.2.3b THE WHOLLY RUSTY EMPIRE
Agent Vlad Impaler Putinski, the Judoka Godfather  Emperor or Star Knickerless V12, to give him half his titles, has proven himself highly effective in our program of destruction of the Human Race and is my new Hero!  His previous attempts to start World War 3 having failed despite his best efforts, he now seems well on track. All his training (the same syllabus studied by all our Alumni including the above, and of course Sad Arse of Syria, Herr Erdogranny of Turkey, Herr Bald Sinatra of Bra Zill, that bloke in the Phillips whose name I can never remember, and sundry other assholes worldwide) in A-Level Lying, BA in Spying, Basic and advanced Sliming, Undermining, Hacking, Smacking, Screwing, Advanced Unscrewing, Elementary KGBing, getting the clap in, and Judo have served him and the Aldeberanian Empire exceptionally well. 

Even as I write the massed monsters of the Evil Empire pour into neighbouring borders, killing maiming and destroying everything they come across –  all our favourite hobbies. To the extent that they could almost be Aldeberanian Death Squads, except that they are too stupid to eat their victims.

And here’s the best part: our favourite fuel and food is at his beck and command! Atomic this, nuclear that, a plethora of upsplitted atoms which, he has promised, will shortly be let loose Earthwide! How long it has taken us to get to this  point. And I know how you and all Aldeberanians looooong to bask in the radiation, to lose yourselves in orgasms as you enjoy the total destruction of a human race as their minds and bodies are ripped to infinitesimal shreds!

2. CONCLUSIONS ENDINGS AND LUNCH

There will of course be a celebration feast and fiesta once this pesky planet has been eliminated, to which you are all heartily invited. Those wishing to be eaten need to get your requests in now.

 
I will shortly be climbing upon that nuclear cloud which will gloriously return me to our lovely home Planet and I SO look forward to  our battle to the death, O GREAT SKONG, and to the ritual dining upon our body parts!