Sender: Agent Dombo (formerly Secret Agent 273536)

35th of Glob year 222552

TOP SECRET Report 4

Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire! AND All hail the Great Me of Earth!

This is the last of my Reports, oh Flynge, Madreegail Kapuschi and all! I have great news for you, for me and for this pathetic planet which the inhabitants call “Earth”. And it’s largely your fault.

You see when you sent me the body I requested, designed to my precise specifications, I admit the torso barbed penis and extra arm were very well constructed. However, you made a serious error on the head.

…As you can see…..

I know I said I wanted a head common amongst Earth creatures but apparently this one, while having a better brain than many Humans, prefers to live in swamps and make loud burping noises. I resolved therefore to find one more appropriate. And naturally, taking my lead from your idea, I began my search in the swamp.

As explained previously the body I was forced to inhabit after the demise of my werewolf, was badly made and badly maintained. A Homeless, or “Fuck Off” (this is the name by which it was often greeted on the streets) has an addled brain which was easy enough to live in, but the most difficult part was the constant fuelling with alcoohole without which it would begin to twitch and quiver. It was therefore a huge effort to drag it around, and I am resolved to transform as many Earthlings as possible into this sub-specie as this will effectively remove any threat to the Aldebaranian Empire. I have other brilliant ideas too. You wait. Just you wait. My loyalty to the Empire can never be put in doubt again.

At any rate, eventually, deep in an antediluvian swamp I discovered the perfect head. It is a strange shape, true. The hair I have found particularly awkward to arrange, and have therefore had to construct it out of discarded streams of crocodile urine, solidified. The brain, alas, is mush containing many worms and traces of insect life. It is usable. Just.

I have now attached head and body. Here is a picture of the head, of which I am inordinately proud.

I will now explain my plan to ensure that this specie will never evolve into a threat to the Empire.

1. I intend to become the Boss (here they call it a Godfather, or Capo, or President) of this large country I landed in.
2. Any Humans showing the least trace of courage or resistance will be crushed. Their communications will gradually be destroyed and their media discredited so that no-one believes them any more.
3. Some Humans are infected with a strange disease called “Compashgin” or sometimes M. Pathy. These will be turned into mushy peas.
4. Other infections it will be necessary to destroy are: So shall ism, a bizarre system of sharing things! Yes, sharing! I told you they are an inferior species; Juss tees, another crazy idea – whereby if you kill or steal or eat your neighbour they put you in a comfortable room, feed you three times a day and let you have lots of sex. Instead of, as we superior beings do, lauding culprit and celebrating for years! and, of course, the proliferation of genders. It is far too confusing not knowing who to fuck (admittedly we don’t bother much with that ourselves, but Humans do scream so!) Any Human showing traces of gender other than the two I have randomly chosen, will be eaten.
5. I will embark on a program of extreme carbon emissions, in order to Alderbaraform this climate to be more like our home planet. This has the extra added advantage of causing a great many Human deaths, a process which the stupid Humans have already started. Basically, a very self-destructive life form! Fewer to resist us when we land.

I have discovered that there are several Humans who will actively help me in this great project of destroying their capability of resisting our invasion. Those who own the planet consist of 1% of the total – they are extremely helpful in most of the projects listed above. This is because they love money as much as I am beginning to, and if I gather as much as possible I will become part of this 1% and will eventually buy them all. Incredible as it may seem, most of the present carbon emissions (previously referred to as ‘farting’) seem to have been caused by this peculiar cabal. All to gather more money. These Humans are so like us! Are you sure we have no agents amongst them? You specifically told me I would be first. I may sulk.

I will wear this communication device so that we can keep in contact

Kindly therefore manufacture and transmit Thirty six billion dollars as per the design attached. Ensure the notes are numbered consecutively.

Incidentally: it has come to my notice that one of the 1% in a country called Roosya has so many characteristics of an Aldebaranian I cannot believe he is an Earthling. If indeed he is one of us, I am certain that we can collude to our mutual benefit.

p.s. I have intercepted a communication from a Spluvian spy! Yes, our greatest enemies from across the Galaxy are here. Please carefully read the attached in which they attempt to warn Humans of their impending doom. I assure you they will be defeated.

https://www.seattletimes.com/opinion/an-alien-visitor-phones-home-sos-earth-in-ecological-collapse/

Best wishes as always. May all your enemies explode, showering their body parts over those you love!

p.s: CHANGE OF NAME: From now on I will use my Earth Name: Donald J. Trump.

Part 3 here: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

SEE REPORTS 1, 2 and 3 linked on this page, top right.