Hipster Hovels in Cape Town’s CBD

These tips could change your life!

Part 1: Properteee

Buy that crack house on Buitenkunt Street. Hells bells babe, where have you been! This is the final opportunity to make money from property in Cape Town! Houses here are nearly as expensive as they are in London.

That house is a Victorian mansion gone not just to seed but to wrack and ruin. First, of course, you have to get rid of the people in there. The best way to do this is to get hold of as much crack as you can afford. I have a special deal on jonelkon.com, a kilo for R750. Ok so it’s really cheap. It’s a case of Buyer Beware and I swear all that Johnson’s Baby Powder, Aspirin and Horse Tranquilliser I bought yesterday was for personal use. Once you have completed this transaction you need to stand outside the house chanting “free crack! Get your crack filled here!” Until all the downandouts have poured out of the house onto the streets. Then you and a bunch of your beefiest buddies pour in, disinfectant at hand, and declare the house a Republic. The police will probably be furious at losing this marvelous source of revenue but once you’re a republic you can claim diplomatic immunity, tart the place up and sell it for R7.2 million.

Happy?

If that’s not making you enough, here are some other scams to cheer up your day.

Part 2: Screw the Hipsters.

Ok so Cape Town is now booming and seething and flourishing and flowering. Hurray!

The happy hipsters are on the rise

The beardy boys with perfumed eyes

With coffeed lips and tofu sighs

They strut the streets and Waterfront 

Despising tourists on the hunt

And lurk around the Waterkant

And say

No no darling I’m no way gay

I was BORN to look this way!

It’s just so trendy don’t you see

That EVERYBODY looks just like 

ME!

With their fat wallets and simple minds hipsters make the perfect victims!

How to open the wallet of a hipster: Coffeeee

Buy loads of cheap coffee beans. Let them lie in donkey poo for a month. Spray them daily with Hugo Boss’ “The Scent” (there is an excellent fake version of this scent available for only R552.50 from JonElkon.com); pop into a gay bathhouse and collect some recent sperm, dry it out and sprinkle the powder over the beans. Then make up a load of 50 gram bags (hessian) of the treated beans, get a good designer to make a hipster-friendly label using only Geek Bold Italic and the logo “Tibetan Maung Chaka DMT Hill Coffee”. Dress up as a Tibetan Lama and sell these to the hipsterest outlets on Kloof Street with all the bullshit you can muster. For as many thousands as you can squeeze.

Part 3: Screw Everybodee

This is the easiest way to make millions in South Africa. As you will see from my previous blogs, there are scams galore! For example if you work for a municipality (a Local Authority as it’s called in the U.K.) all you have to do is award tenders to your friends, who give you a kickback. So for example, the municipality of Fuksdorf needs a shopping centre. Or a shipping centre. Or a public brothel pretending to be a swimming bath. All you have to do is announce the bidding process is secret, and you have the absolute freedom to make your brother-in law a wealthy man. Again. Then you tell the manager of the swimming pool brothel that if he wants the cops to stay away he has to give you a couple of million a month. Then you install cctv at the brothel and film your fellow councilors coming in for some hand relief. And tell them, too, they have to pay you a couple of million a month to keep it out of the press. Naturally, all the contractors including the young ladies and gentleman who give the hand relief are giving you a commission, so it all mounts up. I naturally have a great many of these experts on my books. For explicit pictures, see jonelkon.com. Follow the links and I can promise you your IP address will not be shared with any legal entities whatsoever, providing you pay me R2.2 million.

So there you have it! Several money making scams any fat cat Narcissistic sufferer from psychopathy or sociopathy would love.

Oh shit I forgot. They’ve already done all three.

(Btw see the new cabinet which is being appointed by the Trump if you want to see how a Narcissist can screw everybodeee)

Note: Jonelkon.com takes no responsibility for any of the offers herein contained. They are as bogus as those described above.