Note: this scurrilous piece of nonsense purporting to have been written by our greatest living President has been compromised by the CIA and will now be protected by end-to end encryption so that no-one but our Russian allies will have access. If you are reading this, love to Vlad and if you’re not Russian you will be eliminated.

Dear Diary

I need to get a lot of stuff off my chest. I am totally hacked off. In fact I am pissed! I will now tell you why and let me say this and I say this only once, those who are responsible will pay. I repeat, those responsible will pay.

For one thing, last night I asked to see Finding Dory. I have the right to get the Toad Hall staff to give me whatever I want, right? I am the Boss the Big Cheese the Man of the Hour. Or of the year according to Time Magazine. I made the cover! Everyone who saw it says it is the greatest cover Time ever produced. I got so many proofs how great I am. You should see my wall at Toad Tower if you want to know all the people who think I am great. (Note to self: Get all the wall copied and put on the wall of the Ovoid Office where everyone can see them. Great for press pics. Note to self: Get selfie stick.)

So what happens? I settle down with some family and a swamp creature or two, some Weasels (they are everywhere) and the kid with twelve KFC buckets, some MacDonalds, a ton of fries, some bacon , some meatloaf, all my favourites. Obviously Miserywife “had a headache”. I have a great night watching the best in American high art, really upmarket stuff, like the great Disney cartoons of years back. And next day (this morning) I discover that Ellen Degenerate, some lesbian that was once on television, really second rate, believe me. She and those other overrated liberals like Meryl Streep, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, and on and on. Shit I used to love those fuckers. I didn’t know they were such know-all do-gooder left wing losers! What was I saying. Oh yeh, that degenerate starts telling the lying press that Dory is a liberal! Helps immigrants into the country! Well you listen to me Ms overrated, were any of those fine fish carrying bombs? Like all the damn Mulslims trying to get in here from Libya, Somaliland, wherever? Those bleeding heart dogooding liberals better wake up. If they think they can hijack the great Disney for their cause, they can forget it. Walt Disney himself would have loved me! But he’s dead, apparently. I’m pretty sure he supported National Socialism.

I have put them all in their place. As soon as that Attorney General tried to reverse my Terrist ban, I fired her Obama-loving ass. I just hope the message gets through: I didn’t spend all those years saying “you’re fired’ on television without learning how to throw people out who are no good. Beware all who cross the path of the Toad. Your jobs are on the line. I don’t need you! I don’t need any of you! Just my trusty pen, my Executive Orders, a few Swamp Creatures and a couple good-looking babes. With great tits.

Obv the Democrats are trying to stop me hiring some of the best, most cleverest, most loyal creatures – Jeff, that Munchkin (which movie was he in now…) and poor Tommy Prick. But you know what? They can shout they can cry they can do all the protest in the world, I will win in the end. And trust me, anyone stands in my way, there’s always Guantanamo.

What else is happening? Oh yeh, there have been GREAT demonstrations of support for me all over the world! Look at the picture to see the millions showing how much they love the Toad right outside Big Ben, which is a great way to describe me too. In London and Great Brexit, the Queen has invited me to have banquets and be with her in her gold coach! This is all because of that cute tart, their CEO who visited last week to hold hands. I have seen a picture of this Queen woman and she’s a miserable fucker I can tell you. But two minutes with the Toad and she will hold hands too. Note to self: Take hand sanitizer.

Must go. Time to get my New Supremacist, the guy who’s going to get abortion banned, homos like Degenerate arrested, immigrants sent back and so on, appointed as soon as possible. They won’t like it! The liberals will be crying out in terror believe me. The guy I want is not an American subject, he currently runs the Philippines so I have to go with some guy called Neil Nonesuch or something. They tell me he hates Mulslims, immigrants, liberals same as I do. Time will tell.