A Fairy Story

“Once upon a time in a land called Zumania, there lived a family of bears. They were mummy bear, Daddy Bear and twenty two baby bears, aged between 38 and 5 years old. Most of the baby bears were called Tubby because they had eaten so much honey they were as obese as most Americans. Daddy Bear was the president of a big republic called Zumania after a large set of cages animals are kept in.”

The big man settled back on his towel and laughed a big bear laugh. Richard had sneaked me out of the family house (he called it a kidnap) to zoom me off to a beach at 6 in the morning. The sun was well up by the time we had negotiated the sinuous curves of the gorgeous N2 snaking away from Orangezicht, rounding the foothills of the amazing mama mountain with the shapely curvaceous seductiveness of a Zulu woman swaying her hips. (That sentence is so rich it deserves a long one – in prison)

We were a few miles from Muizenberg, south of Cape Town, on a beach called “Danger Beach” – or was that just a warning sign? As we parked, Richard blithely informed me that the beach had earned its name and began to list recent fatalities, victims of a lethal undertow and unpredictable tides.

“Twenty two?” I said in amazement.

“Twenty two children. From different women – oh the guy has absolutely no self-awareness. He is a great boaster, trust me. And lots of people love that – it shows his dick works!”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?” I asked a little crossly.

“Listen on,” he said, “while I tell you the rest. And let’s see if you still believe in fairy stories.”

I sighed. At least this would be better than attempting a swim. The lifeguard’s shelter was conspicuously unattended, and I was perfectly happy to lie there as long as it took for a professional savior to arrive.

“So, one day as Daddy Bear, the four oldest baby bears, and some other animals were enjoying their meal of sushi on the belly of Snow White – “

“Whut!!!!????”

“Don’t interrupt. Apparently they did that. Served sushi on a woman. Unsubstantiated rumor. Ok, let’s stick to what we DO know for fact. Starting with, the League Table! The Bear necessities. Of the 175 countries in the Bad Bear Index (ranked by order of the perceived level of corruption, Zumania is ranked number 72. ‘Shameful!’ Said Daddy Bear. ‘We need to work on that and I won’t REST until we’re number one!’”

“And so the Bear family, desperate for that coveted Most Corrupt Country award, decided to recruit some experts in the field. So they scoured the world and having rejected Donald Trump (as too stupid to be corrupt) Kim Jong Un (too expensive), Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Saudi Arabia (too intelligent) and a great long list of the dirty, the greedy, the febrile, the lazy, the captains of industry, the bankers, the wankers, Philip Green, the directors of…hell, let’s not use their names. My lawyers earn too much already.

“Eventually as you know the Guppies arrived in Zumania and all the greatest aspirations of the bears could be fulfilled!

The most bloated fish in history, Guppies very shortly stalked the land – “

“I thought they were fish!” I blurted.

“As fishy as they come,” he said. “”But if you keep interrupting me, trust me, you’ll be sleeping with the fishes! “ He nodded threateningly toward Danger Beach, which even now, at 9am was almost deserted except for one or two Dangerous Sports addicts.

“So, what happened. Prince Charming Guppy. Princess Alarming Guppy were to be married. Now you wouldn’t think two fish could stir a great deal of the Bear Pool, but they certainly did….”

“Whoa, whoa! Translation required!” I cried. Please explain this story using humans and real events?”

“Fancy a swim?”

“Not until you’ve put some detail and names and dates and numbers onto this silly fairy story.”

He sighed theatrically “Ok, so the Gupta family – a fantastically wealthy Indian family – friends of the honoured President Zuma –“

“That’s better.”

“…decide to hold a massive clan wedding at Sun City, the exclusive hotel and gambling enclave where none but the rich and the ex rich and the wannabe rich and their sex slaves go.”

“Nice.”

“Only they wanted to use a South African Air Force base called Waterkloof to land their private jet. Not a done thing…mind you this was their second choice. Initially they wanted to virtually take over the Oliver Tambo International Airport. So they had to get the Indian High Commission to get the wedding party designated an official Indian Government delegation so they could take over the air force base instead.”

“What money can do eh…”

“Money and influence! The point is they used their connection to government ministers – and of course the President himself to push all this through. Scandal! Shock! This was how the nation began to learn about the power of these fishes…”

“You’re going all fairy story on me again…”

“Come on you lazy thing you! Time for a swim!”

I contemplated the churning waters, the swooshing waves, the empty lifesaver booth….the dark shape of a possible fin in the surf…

“Righto!” I said. “Race you!”