Sender: Agent 273536

24th of Glob year 222552

TOP SECRET

Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire!

This being my first report I can confirm my safe arrival 5 Earth days ago and it would seem my disguise is not quite adequate for the purpose. I cannot understand, for example, why Shmbx decided to give me four legs, as a hand or three may have made life just a little easier down here. The body it has chosen seems most closely to resemble the Earth species Werewolf. As a result, many earthlings appear to enjoy fleeing from me. Information-gathering is hampered by this phenomenon.

Kindly send a replacement body. Here are the specifications: The body should be carbon-based and shaped more-or less as per the illustration attached. I would, however, like an extra extendable hand located on the penis, and a brain for me to inhabit. Many of the so-called “humans” here do not seem to have a brain, as will be evidenced within my Report (See para 3.1 below.)

These are very early days, so my impressions are necessarily sketchy and will need to be confirmed by intensive research.

Herewith, a summary:

1. It would seem that “humans” are the dominant specie here, despite intense competition from cockroaches, viruses and bacteria. The reason I select Humans as the focus of my study is that they appear to create more fart than the others, not just from their bodies (pretty repulsive) but from a huge selection of machines and processes with which they decorate most of the land surfaces of their planet. It is possible these have a function beyond mere decoration. Further research focus 1.
2. They have limited and annoyingly slow methods of transport, most of which are fart-contributors.
3. Technology seems incredibly primitive: It is possible the small rectangular items they apply to their ears and mouths the moment they see me may be a device to assist their running speed. Research Focus 2.
4. Their bodies are extremely fragile and easy to break. I have broken 12 so far, and they are quite delicious served with parts of tree.
5. They appear to reproduce by rubbing up against each other. This is a terribly messy process and is very seldom successful, despite their apparent need to do this on every possible opportunity. I will, as soon as possible, rub up against a live one to see if it makes another.

I look forward to the arrival of my new body as soon as possible. I apologise for the brevity of this initial Report: apparently this Werewolf body needs a great deal of feeding and a group of schoolchildren has just entered this park which I have made my temporary base. Herewith, specifications for new body. I found this replica in a nearby shopping area, or I think that’s what it was. It could have been a junkyard. Research required.

KINDLY SUPPLY body as per illustration above:

HEAD: I will insert my unit here, please ensure there is a viable brain.

CHEST and STOMACH: Must be capable of digesting human remains.

HANDS: These must be quite small so they can be anally inserted.

This part is called a PENIS. Ensure it is barbed, and capable of growing to triple its size. Kindly insert an extra extensible arm and hand just above the penis, capable of reaching under the clothing of female humans.

LEGS AND FEET: Must be oiled and capable of sliding about at great speed when danger looms. Add small jet engine.

Love to Absnxcz!

PART 2 is HERE

http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/

Part 3 is here!

http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

With thanks and acknowledgements to Lenny Henry for the idea. You’re a genius Len!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07c2v2p