Sender: Agent 273536

27th of Glob year 222552

EVEN MORE TOP SECRET

Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire! And please give Absnxcz! my regards and tell it to reproduce, so that on my return I will have something nice to eat.

Day 7

I have found a fairly comfortable body to live in for a short time. I say a short time because it appears to be rotting quite a bit, as a result largely of the great quantities of a toxic liquid it imbibes. It also does not apparently have any set dwelling, so it gets dirty and smelly.   The initial design you gave me (the Werewolf, you will recall) has been shot so many times mainly by children, mentally unbalanced humans, and so on that it is far too well ventilated for the machinery to function effectively.

The body before my inhabitation

I URGENTLY ENTREAT YOU TO MANUFACTURE AND DESPATCH THE DESIGN I SUBMITTED IN MY PREVIOUS REPORT! This one does not have an extendible penis, neither do any of its two arms or two legs work well. I need that extra arm! It also has a number of bacteria and viruses dwelling in parts of it. I have made friends with many of these, but they inform me that they will shortly consume this entire Human, so perhaps I have made an error in assuming humans are the dominant specie. One thing is sure: this one is not going to last long, as it is rapidly biodegrading. I rely on you for a rapid replacement. I know these things take a while due to bureaucracy and Union disputes, but please expedite for my sake!

Incidentally, on the subject of the fuel used by this Human: it is fiercely inflammable as I discovered yesterday. Realising that the fuel was running out, I followed the easily identifiable smell of it to a building where there were several containers, and helped myself to one. On my removing the top to insert orally, a Human objected vociferously, asking for “money” and making threatening gestures. Naturally I used my Laser Supercannon  B13G to torch the bastard and to my surprise, the entire building erupted into flame. I attempted to apologise for this, but the fellow was far too crisp to respond.

I am very interested in this word “money” and have now done some extensive research. Here are my findings:

1: Money is composed of four different elements: paper, metal, plastic and invisible. This is extremely confusing for interplanetary visitors. It would seem that this inordinately illogical planet uses this substance as yet another fuel, along with the liquid described above, (they call the liquid by several different names according to the level of toxicity. For example, ‘alcool’ or ‘bier’ or ‘Misky’ etc. Research Required. For convenience I will refer to it as ‘Alcoohole’), in order to run and ruin their planet. ‘Money’ is however even more scarce and plentiful than Alcoohole.

2: There are several uses for Money in all its four forms. It is swapped for food quite often, for example, which is utterly confusing when Humans could so easily eat each other for free. Yet in the middle of this strange concatenation of buildings is a huge park, which is entirely wasted by being planted with inedible vegetation, when it could so easily be planted with food for everybody!)

Another use includes a way of acquiring a vast range of junk from the shiny establishments which range like tentacles (makes me feel so at home) all along wide alleys full of humans and transport methods. Fascinating! Some of this junk is right tintillating but most is utterly useless. For example, humans like to change their clothes all the time, which may be a method of making them look ugly enough to put others off eating them.

A strangely shaped Human is attracted by a ‘shop’ full of food which is made of junk.

The other stuff Money is used for, which I call tintillating, in another word, junk. The boxes purveying this stuff (called ‘Shoppez’) are entangling epiphanies of desperation. Their pathetic attempts to drag humans into their boxes we would find hilarious, but Humans seem to be utterly entranced. It is possible that they are attempting to use a similar technique we employ to trap sexual partners or to remove our legs and arms to keep them safe from each-other  – we call it magic. The main magic word they use is “SALE”. This seems to attract gullible humans into the maw of the store, unaware that the word is mere magic, and therefore, a lie. Once trapped inside they vie to shovel money at the predators-in charge in exchange for the junk. Amazing!

There are many variants of the ‘SALE’ word, all of them magic. For example, ‘two for one offer’, ‘Bargain’ etc.

As you will have noticed last night I  taught myself their language, which I can read and will soon be able to speak. This will eventually result in a far better understanding of this peculiar planet. Although I have to admit that right now, all I feel is confused and requiring more Alcoohole.

There is a word which now needs Further Research which sounds a bit like “Intervent” which has something complicated to do with money and the magic used to squeeze many money.

THEORY: Humans can be divided into PREDATORS and PREY, unlike our beloved home world where we are all predators. Much easier altogether. Further Research Required.

INTERIM CONCLUSION

It is perfectly obvious that if all Humans resembled the one I am in now there would not be a scintilla of threat to any species within a billion scrawgs of this pathetic planet. However, I have discovered several factors requiring Further Research which may lead to another conclusion.

Report Ends.

IF YOU HAVEN’T READ PART 1

\http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/

TO Part 3!

http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/