Earthlings amazed by my barbed penis and kitten-grabbing extra arm

Sender: Agent 273536

NOTE: From now on I am to be known as Dombo. Please do not think I have “gone native”, it’s just easier for Earthlings to remember stupid names than numbers, and when I introduce myself as “273536” their eyes glaze over and their tiny minds seize up.

30th of Glob year 222552

TOP SECRET

Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

MY BODY HAS ARRIVED! I cannot thank you enough Sir, for your kindness in meeting my every specification. The new body has all I asked for: a barbed penis; the extendable extra arm and hand for grabbing small cats; a viable chest and stomach for the ingestion of human remains; a vestigial brain in which I can comfortably live and operate. One problem however, and this is my fault – it is 37 Blngs tall and made of brass! This is approximately four times the height and width of the average human! I am sure you realise that, were I to inhabit this marvel of Aldebaranian engineering, humans would flee in droves, just as they did when I inhabited the werewolf.

Please provide new body as per above

I have left the body in the “shopping mall” (Junk sales area) known as Columbus Circle. Kindly deactivate and replace with one 8 Blngs tall and made or organic carbon-based organic matter as per the picture attached. This is a picture I took through a window in a bathroom, and is the only opportunity I have had to see Humans unclothed.

Kindly look through my moving picture catalogue which I sent with the last Report, and select an appropriate head. Ensure it has at least a vestigial brain please.

In the interim I will need to continue to inhabit this ragged broken thing, whose name, it appears, is either “Homeless” or “Fuck off” depending on which other human he (this is, apparently, male) is interacting with.

Yes indeed! It seems Humans are gendered! Not unlike the Planet Ugindweeg, which we so recently sent into a black hole. There, they had thirteen genders as you will remember. Here, they appear to cluster into innumerable intriguing groups,which they define largely according to who they prefer to have sex with. I have yet to discover all of them, the range being so extremely great. Here are some examples:

1. Femmy Nine: This gender usually has two extra protuberances above the belt the main purpose of which is to worry about. They spend much time fussing, cosseting and even altering these which somehow appears to define their social status. For sex, the majority appear to be attracted to people with bulges below the belt, possibly because they don’t have one and wish to remove this equipment from a Mass Culin, for which they have invented a behaviour called “marriage”. I will need to “marry” several in order to fit in. I will choose ones with small brains and big breasts.
2. Mass Culin: This seems to be the dominant gender on this planet, despite the fact that the Femmy Nine have superior brains. Extremely mystifying. This is the reason I have chosen Mass Culin as my gender for my mission. As to their bulge, it is, as previously indicated, called a “penis”. Unlike ourselves it is not detachable, which is a pity. We have a great advantage in being able to attach our penises anywhere, and it is obvious to me that many would benefit from it being stuck to their heads.
3. Other: These form the majority of people on the planet, and there are so many sub-categories it is impossible to describe them all. As I have reported, they are defined according to their preferred bulges, although there are many who want both. There are also several who prefer neither, and live their lives with a cat.
4. Other other: These are people who swap genders. They spend a great deal of time being very sad, swap genders and then get extra abuse, making them more sad.
5. Other Other Other: Research Required.

As to reproduction, I find it extremely strange that there seems to be no logic in the allocation of infants. Apparently, any Humans who are rubbed together in the right way may be allocated an infant. Very often these are precisely the wrong people to be given one of these (infants on earth are usually leaking. Not just bodily fluids, but they leak a great deal of sound which results in some of them being put to death.) and they spend many years being screwed up. Perhaps this is the reason this planet is so fucked? Research Required.

Since my last Report I have begun to quite like money. As a “Homeless”, or a “Fuck off” apparently money might be the means of keeping this body from biodegrading and stopping working. Due to the two main fuels needed by this one, Alcoohole and food, I have now realised that the third fuel is money. It all works together. As a result, I have killed and eaten a delicious fat human who was carrying a great deal of the stuff. I will be enjoying him her or it in the next few hours. Once I have done this, I will swap some of the money for Alcoohole and get fucking legless.

REPORT 4:

http://jonelkon.com/earth-my-new-home/

REPORT 1:

http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/

REPORT 2:

http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/