GREETINGS from Agent 273536 and hearty apologies for the delay between the last Report from Planet Earth and this one! I realise that my demise is ensured if I return home, and that my body will be fed to the children. HOWEVER I wish to point out that in order to fulfil my mission on this benighted planet I had to adopt the body of a repulsive human, a concatenation of fat and undigested gristle, riddled with fart and unexcreted ordure, much of which exits through the mouth. So you can understand how reluctant I am to bring that home. Everybody will want some.

So here it is, my latest and greatest Report ever. It’s very great. There has never been a greater Report. Trust me.

Sender: Agent Dombo (formerly Secret Agent 273536)

35th of Brazzbolls year 222556

TOP SECRET Report 5

Project: Ascertain whether the primitives of Planet called “Earth” by their human inhabitants may become a threat to the Empire any time soon.

All hail the Great Skong 0f the Aldeberanian Empire! AND All hail the Great Me of Earth!

It fills me with pride to report on the sublime achievement of all the objectives I set myself since my arrival on Earth. As you know, my first learning experiences were salutary – the original Earthling body I inhabited was called a ‘werewolf’ and had to be fed a great many dead humans. Unfortunately it eventually became far too full of silver bullets to operate effectively. The second one was called a ‘homeless’, or, ‘fuckoff’ to the denizens of their greatest City, Noo Yorque. This one required fuelling with a liquid called alchohole which necessitated my becoming acquainted with Money, and therefore I had to acquire a great deal of the stuff. But this creature turned out to be entirely unresilient, and because it was rapidly biodegrading I had to find another.

Fortunately you were kind enough to (eventually) send me the body I now inhabit, although I had to find my own head by exploring the nearest swamp. And so, with my newly acquired head and body, I was able to step-by step begin to acquire the entire planet.

And now, Dear Skong, the It whose every breath shrivels the penises off our women, whose entire Empire bows down before its redolent asshole, I can inform you that within a week I will have this planet entirely at the mercy of my own tiny hands. Let’s count my great success:

1. I have gathered a mindless mob of humans who eat my words, my deeds, my nasal emissions with glee, smothered in sugar and coated in spice.
2. This mob are armed to the teeth and ready to invade every sector of this USeless GreatAgain (US Gray) Land and thereafter, once they have killed every dog, cat and flower, every corner of the Earth,.
3. I have vastly increased the poisons in land, sea and air by encouraging the extraction and processing of pools of poisons that live under the surface. Softened up for conquest they are!
4. I have destroyed all the voices of truth and reason by replacing them with me.
5. I have invented a brilliant germ which I have brilliantly blamed on the only possible threat to my domination, and let it loose all over the world. Millions are dying, especially the prettiest and oldest, the only ones who could conceivably realise what I’m up to.
6. I have undermined every effort of countries outside of GreatAgain to exert any control or influence, by planting our agents as kings of Brazilla , Turk Ish, the Useless Kingdom, Hungry, Phillips Inn, and many more.
7. I have made lots of wars for no good reason. I just like them.

Oh, if only I could remember all the great wonderful marvellous fabulous things I’ve done! I have impregnated many humans, for example, placing all my hands in all their orifices practically all the time.

But now, OH Great Skong we are reaching out to the ultimate nadir of all our efforts. In a week, in a week we discover if I, the greatest Dong of all time, have succeeded in single-handedly (with a little help from our poppleist agents) destroying this planet, making invasion as easy as squeezing a pimple on your most excellent face. (A service which, as you know, I am always happy to provide)

So Watch This Space

Because if the foolish citizens of GreatAgain fail to uphold my lifetime rule, I shall have to kill them all. And the others too. the whole lot. This entire planet which, if it refuses to be as pustulant as my very mind needs to go.

Much love, and give all my heartiest blood gobbets, snot and halitosis to my family and yours,

My previous Report is here:http://jonelkon.com/earth-my-new-home/