The best stories from MEGASAGA 4

CAN YOU PICK THE WINNERS?

Dear readers and writers

Here they are at last! Choosing the best out of the many many entries has been a huge task. This year for the first time ever we have added a Junior Division and entries flooded in – most of them from South Africa, which makes me very happy. In fact, the seniors were vastly outnumbered, leaving us (the Judges) faced with a massive decision: the playing field was no longer fair. How could one possibly award just one prize? Hence the decision to add a special extra £25 prize – approx R493 for younger writers. The Senior winner still gets the £100 promised (R1975 at current rates)

READ the stories and the comments. This year I won’t put the author’s names with the stories, until Thursday afternoon. That way people can judge the stories as they stand, and not the person who wrote them. Did you know that the Metropolitan Opera in New York – or is it the NY Symphony orchestra- makes people who are auditioning play their instruments behind a curtain? That’s what we are doing here!

WINNERS TO BE ANNOUNCED ON 27th JULY

MAKE COMMENTS BELOW! WHICH IS THE BEST JUNIOR? SENIOR? WHY? Are the judges right or wrong?

KEEP AN EYE ON THIS POST. THERE WILL BE UPDATES ALL THE WAY TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WINNERS

JUNIOR

Little world, Big child.

Sam’s head was in the clouds, literally. His long giant legs caused chaos in the world beneath him and he had not known this. All he could see, was the entrancing rainbow with different skin shades on.

Yet, with every thunderous leap he took, the ground shook. Litter on the street flew up, and fell into the surrounding trash cans, trucks filled with library books and fresh loaves of bread fell to the ground in front of the homeless people and the eager children who ran and seized the opportunity.

However, Sam was just a boy.

Jon says: the vocabulary, the descriptive writing is excellent – we had nno choice other than to include this on the Shortlist. Hard to believe this is written by a youngster! I predict a great writing future for you.

JH: Delightful and whimsical. Reminds me of Roald Dahl. Like the unexpected reversal of the universal order in the title.  Also enjoyed the last sentence. The author has flair and sense of style.

Only criticism is the clumsy “entrancing rainbow with different skin shades on”

L: I absolutely love this story however the writer has left a contradiction (in my terms) by using the word “literally” in the beginning. This would have been my favourite story if it didn’t leave me a little confused. Is Sam literally a giant in the clouds as “literally” is used,or is this a play on words and metaphorical in every sense. I loved this story but it’s left me slightly confused because Sam is just a boy.

V: A well written, uplifting and engaging story in just a hundred words. I like the use of language, especially with words like ‘entrancing’ and ‘thunderous’. Double check grammar including the use of commas but otherwise very original and very readable short story. Well done!

Granny is sick

One day my granny was ill and my parents were called to the hospital. I couldn’t go with them and I had to stay at home instead of waiting at the neighbour’s house. My father ensured that all the windows and doors were securely locked when they left.

I reached for the cricket bat in the corner and with my heart beating at a terrible rate. I heard noises at my parents’ bedroom window. When I reached the window scraping and scratching could be heard clearly.

This was a good result for my brave deed.

Jon says: Such good writing for someone so young! Keep practising, keep improving! Congratulations on reaching the Shortlist!

V: Good, clear descriptive language especially when detailing the sounds you heard at the window and also high on readability score because of the simplicity of language. I’m interested in finding out what happens next! Whilst it potentially lacks in originality and a story like structure, you make up for it through engaging the audience with suspense in the second paragraph. Double check capital letters and the use of commas.

JH: Possibly a very young author. Sentence structures need work and I did not understand what the result of the brave deed was.

L: This story did not draw me in at all until the last line. I am intrigued by the results of the brave deed however there is no certain indication as to what the brave deed could have been. Grammar I know is not judged here but I find it affected the writer’s way of getting the story across. I’d like to see more of their writing and like me, to practice more punctuation. However you can tell that this young writer has huge potential and I look forward to seeing more of his/her work!!!

Vengeance’s Bitter Confection

The idea was to get every single guy’s attention by the end of my last school year at Adamson Academy. Just the attention of the guys that mattered that is. And that meant, speaking to people and, dare I say it, socializing. Socializing with the people I had caught marking their book’s page numbers by either folding the page or pressing the book by its spine and recklessly leaving it open with the book’s inside lying flat against a surface, and just for the sake of this thoroughly thought-out plan I would have to constrain my annoyance.

Jon says: when I read this I instantly thought of CM Stunich’s YA novels – you assure me this is your own work! Your voice is so assured, so finely tuned, I am extremely impressed with your talent.

JH: Interesting with a nice use of detail. I feel the first 2 sentences are a bit contradictory.

L: Diligently written, it’s very snobbish and I like it, I want to know more. I loved the visualization created in this one and find it could certainly turn into a YA fantasy of some sort. However it lacked substance and for a lack of better words, I wasn’t particularly excited.

V: Sounds like you really don’t like people that damage books! I like the use of adverbs like ‘recklessly’ and ‘thoroughly’. Some mistakes with where you put your commas. It does sound like you are narrating but that does take a little bit from its readability. I think you needed more than a 100 words to produce a story around the annoyance of your character and what he/she does.

Peculiarly Strange World

Anyone could’ve sworn that Ravenwood High was a slaughterhouse, an abattoir. Except this slaughterhouse would’ve been designated for humans. The sound of Sydney’s footsteps echoing was the only thing that could be heard. Especially that morning at exactly six o’clock, which was her usual time of arrival. The sun’s light was usually not yet visible. An odd thought, that gloomy clouds surrounded the top of the school’s building occurred to her. In fact, the air reeked of eeriness, so much that the walls appeared to be listening and swallowing in on the sound of Sydney’s echoed footsteps.

Jon says: another extremely assured and evocative piece from this writer. I look forward to seeing more of your work – and especially to your first novel!

JH: I felt it was a bit derivative,  but this is often the case with young writers. Some nice imagery, but it reads more like an introduction than a complete story.

L: This is definitely a great writer in the making and I love their use of words. I was pulled in by the first sentence and loved the visualization created with this one too, I wanted to know more, I need to know who Sydney is.

V: Very good use of descriptive language, I awarded you full marks for this. I got a little bit lost after ‘An odd thought’. What was the thought? Spelling and grammar, despite a few mistakes, was good. This sounded like the start of a horror story but not the completion of a short story – I would like Sydney to have experienced something.  

Rainy Pandemic

A woman lies in her couch. It is a cold winter morning, the heavens denied of their light. Blue black, it was quite a vivid memory.

The deadening silence broken by a sudden scream, followed by sounds of sobbing. She prowls like animal hunting prey.

She walks outside, finds her son crying. “Dad’s gone, it was covid “. He runs down the street in distress.

 And just then, two bangs! His gone, the police thought he was a criminal. His skin being his prosecutor.

A sudden call, she wakes up realizing it was a dream. Still under lockdown.

Jon says: An actual story! With beginning, middle and end. Excellent description, highly impressive. The first paragraph is glorious, leading us into the story. A real writer with great potential.

JH: I personally don’t like any story which ends “It was all a dream”  It’s a pet peeve. However there is some good imagery. Basic error “His gone”

L: This story was one of the best for me, had it not ended in “the colour of skin being the reason the boy dies I’d have voted this one as my Top choice for the Youth. I realise many will still use this as grabbing attention however I am tired of stories that end this way. It is compelling and rather chilling to say the least so maybe I’ll put my 2cents aside and vote this one in as my number 1

V: Brilliant imagery! I especially like ‘his skin being his prosecutor’. He’s, not ‘his’ by the way as in ‘he’s gone’. As a story it works very well! I’d cut out the ‘dream’ bit, it’s been used too often before.

SENIOR

Bleeding heart 

There was an electric impulse, the moment their eyes met. Sparks were flying, smiles were widening, words were enticing. 

They agreed on being “friends”, because the repercussions of being more would hurt as much as an arrow being pierced through your heart. 

It was the most alluring three months.. Enticement, lust and intimacy at its peak. 

Along with broken rules and intensified feelings, their desire for each other were like two magnets being pulled together.

They were heading for destruction, despair and heartbreak. 

Is it worth it? 

Is hunger for love worth the risk of a bleeding heart?

Jon says: I have seen quite a few pieces by this developing talent, and each one is more confident than the last. You are developing a delicate capacity to describe emotions. Keep developing this, always avoiding any words or phrases that tend to be overused.

JH; Oh dear, I am just being so mean. I really thought this one had promise at the outset, but then it devolved into generic Mills and Boons and cliche

L: Very good use of descriptive language to evoke emotions. We’ve all been there! Not much of a fan of rhetorical questions. The Romance market is huge, having said that and this writer has talent!

V; A little too romantic for me, but I can see how it would appeal to people who are in love  or would like to be. Emotive language can occasionally get oppressive. Less is more these days!

Bertie’s

The mouth-watering aroma of charring steak wafted out onto the street, drawing customers into Bertie’s.  We queued patiently as the chubby, jovial chef flipped, fried and put together the tastiest burgers in town.
                Obliging community that we were, none of us minded when a policeman politely shouldered his way to the front.
                “Thanks,” he sighed. “It’s been a hell of a day. The mortuary’s been robbed again, third time this month.”
                “What did they steal?” I laughed. “Formaldehyde?”
                “Bodies,” the policeman replied. “Why would anyone want to steal bodies?”
                When Bertie began to twitch nervously, I knew the answer.

Jon says: Hah! Cannibalism is one of my favourite themes. (btw, I read about ‘Autocannibalism’ the other day. Wild.) My first novel Umfaan’s Heroes touches on this, so your story went to my heart. Terrific use of the last sentence kick-in the guts.

JH: I like the darkness and the twist. Dare I say Roald Dahl again? Nice supporting description.

L: This story left me gobsmacked to say the least but this type of catch has been used many times before. I loved the build up, the casual pace and then the shock. I just feel it too cliché. In a manner of judging just writing though, this is a very talented writer who deserves to be heard.

V: I enjoyed the unexpected morbid twist at the end of the story but it did seem like it was necessary to make the story a story. In many ways, I see this as more a slightly longer joke than usual. The conversation itself seems to be one that I think is unlikely to ever happen (a policeman is unlikely to talk about his work like this).  

Morning

As the sky paled, transforming silhouettes into colorful trees and the sun glistened silver on the gently lapping lake, the young mother breathed in the heady, freshness of a new day.  Morning magic had begun.
            She smiled at the antics of her children at play, marvelling at their joyful energy and fun.  Ever mindful of new dangers in a changing world, she was on full alert.
            Footsteps!
            She gathered her children.  In a flurry of bushy tails, they scampered up an oak tree to safety from those who had once fed them, but now wanted to feed upon them.

Jon says: another story by this talented writer. Sometimes when reading your work I skip to the last sentence, then go back to see how you have constructed the narrative. I am always impressed.

JH: Cute and whimsical. Unexpected ending. Maybe an overuse of adjectives.

L: Nothing short of brilliant. I was completely enchanted by the abrupt realization that these were in fact squirrels, I think ? Rather than humans. What a twist! A very similar writing style to myself, I thoroughly enjoyed this one and commend the writer on giving my brain whiplash. It was a delight.

V: Is there a hidden story about the realities of this world behind this short story? I think so. Not only do I question what is actually happening in the moment – are people attempting to capture squirrels for food? – but think about how necessity can break norms that we normally live by. What leads the very creatures that were once so giving to want to take the life of those that they were giving to? Are all humans capable of turning on those that they care for under certain circumstances?

Tsunami

Sunrise saw me at the door, about to turn the handle to see if my dream had come true.

Deep thought and study confirmed my dream. Or fear. The tsunami was coming tonight. My modest property would be on the beachfront, tripling in value. Wealth. 

Yet the cost. For the sea at my door would submerge six streets below me. Drown thousands of people. But it might not come and lives would be saved. What did I want? Wealth or the death of others.

I turned the handle and pushed the door. I saw what I had wished for. 

Jon says: I love the basic idea behind this story, and the writing is assured, the narrative well-constructed. I feel, however, that to make the central conceit work more powerfully, you would need several more words. Still, it works because you leave the protagonist’s power and foresight up to the imagination.

JH: The moral dilemma is interesting,  but logic sank it for me. A Tsunami does not result in a desirable beachfront property.  It recedes leaving mayhem and ruins property prices.

L: Wow! This is a very eery story that I read over and over again. It screams reality, truth and the nature of human kind in a way not many people are willing to hear let alone write. This was brilliant,  this is a skilled and honest writer!

V: An interesting story that leads to a cliffhanger questioning the character of the narrator but is there much more to the story at all?

I give up. When I designed them, tbh, it was a bit of a joke. I mean only two legs! I was going through my binary phase at the time, everything in twos. Eyes, hands etc. Then, just to see what would happen, I cursed them with a brain far larger than needed. That done I went off to the more civilised parts of the Galaxy to try out some much more sensible prototypes.

Look what happened! A mere 4 billion years and these idiots have succeeded in making this lovely Planet virtually uninhabitable.  Oh well….back to the drawing board….

Jon says: I know your style well, as you have entered the Competition every year since it began. I love the way your entirely idiosyncratic imagination plays with the mind of the reader. I don’t know whether this is humour or not: I suppose all your work defies categorisation.

JH: I like the theme of this story and the first paragraph is witty and punchy.

I feel the conclusion is a bit preachy and not so well written. The same message could have been put across  in a more original way. A more pithy conclusion would have enabled a title

L: Good point about the big brain! We think we’re so clever, yet we manage to ruin the earth. This works as satire for me. Rather cheeky to write in the voice of God! You will be struck by lightning.

V: Grigor is on to a winner. Humans are destroying this planet but, here’s a question, if God didn’t want us to be this way why did he make us like this?!