PLEA FOR HELP!

From: Agent 273536

To: The Ever-so-great GREAT Aldeberanian Empire, attention the GREAT SKONG HIMSELF!

All hail to the Great Skong from his most devoted, most marvellous, most beautiful and cleverest agent anywhere in the Universe. Though not as great as You, of course, most marvellous one.

I have the temerity to address this plea directly to you, for the situation here on this tiny ugly little planet in the furthest corner of the Milky Way has reached a point where I am going to need the Invasion.

Allow me to explain, for this is all part of my dastardly plan drawn up with the inspiration of the Mr Normal Vincent Peake. This dead person is one of the gods of this planet, the only one I have actually read. The Power of Positive Stinking! Highly recommended. It teaches how, with the application of ordure to the armpits, rotting oranges to the face and garlic and onion to the breath, any Earthling will quail immediately and do whatever is asked from her him or it in order to get out of my little White House. And if they don’t leave quick, I use that fabulous mantra I learned from TV: ‘You’re fired!’ You should see their silly faces! Lol!

(I was taught to read by myself, of course. Being a very stabled genius, this was no problem and very soon I realised that there was only one other book people recommended that may be of interest, called the Bibble. I tried to read that but realised that none of the Gods in there have the slightest idea as to how to subjugate destroy and spread hate in a country. Pathetic. One of them actually says ‘Love thy Neighbour’! Loser. Sad.)

To return to my plea, oh greatest Skong, who I will immediately dethrone on my return to the Aldeberanian Holy City, Moskva because I am slightly greater than you.

I have done all I promised! Here’s a reminder in case you were asleep when I sent my last Report.

1. I have recruited a mass following of 60 million in this one Country alone. In many other lands there are those who follow my brilliant ideas and those of the Vincent Peake. These tools, fools and fake jewels are burning with the fire of my falsehoods, alight with the glory of inversion of the fabric of reality. They now believe immorality is morality, hatred is compassion, that everybody is unequal and they need their weapons to enforce my holy will. Bang! They are completely convinced that the oceans are not rising, Earth is not getting hotter and Santa will come down their  chimneys! Totally successful mind invasion.
2. I then imported the Plague from China, to further destroy any slightest idea of resistance and promoted its widespread distribution with my rallies, as described in my previous report.
3. So that very soon the Earthlings will erupt and start killing each-other again! And when they’ve killed each-other enough, they’ll be ripe for conquest!

You won’t believe this Great Skong, but they are trying to evict me from my House! This is because of what they call an Erection. It would seem they choose their kings by embarking on a magnificently complex operation, based on rules no-one understands except this one: Whoever throws the most money at the process wins the right to live in my House.

What fun! I thought when I heard about it. HURRAH! Great japes. And being as great as I am, I was convinced it would be no problem to raise the most. After all, I am a Master of Fraud and Lies, my degree obtained from the Fake Aldeberanian University a thousand years ago just before I was born.

But would you believe it! Along comes this aged sage Mr Biddle, an adherent of the Book of similar name (see above) full of false gods and empty promises, and using this absurd dogma and every trick in the Book – including honesty, probity, ethics and everything else we so gloriously hate – manufactures vast amounts of money. Not fair! 

So, it seems, they are about to appoint him King.

This is why I need you to come NOW. With your regiments of Psychopaths and Nasties, the Slavering Hydrophobics, the horribly beweaponed armies of Narcissists and of course, my favourites, the Deplorables! INVADE! This land is your land and this Earth shall be ours! Besides, I was getting used to my little White House with all its blondies and floozies and MacDonalds. I quite like the golfing too.

I SHALL NOT BE MOVED!

So bloody hurry up ok?

Much love 

Agent Donny.

Read the reports in sequence, if you haven’t done so already! 

Report 5: http://jonelkon.com/the-last-week-of-the-world/

Report 4: http://jonelkon.com/earth-my-new-home/

Report 3: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-3/

Report 2: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth-part-2/

Report 1: http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/