Friday

Dear dearie

I am so exciddded! I just met my first head of state! One of the greatest too! Even though she’s only a woman they made her in charge of Great Brexit where my mom is from. It used to be called Scot Land  before and they have one of the greatest golf courses in the world. I know because I put it there. But now the whole country is owned and run by this Teresia, the CEO and her Board of Directors.

Not much to look at I admit. A 3 or maybe 3 1/2 and dressed up like a Christmas cracker. I made a start by holding hands! Next time I promise you I will get in her pants or my name’s not Mr Toad, you watch!

She was really impressed I can tell you. I had to say lots of shit for the lying press (rabble!) like NATO is a good thing but who cares, she will tell everyone how great I am and the lying press lapped it up. I am soooo Great I don’t know how my head fits in the Oval Office.

And then I spoke to the Nabob of India on the phone. His name is Moby, something like that. Gonna call him Moby Dick because I’m told he has one shaped like a whale. Not much sense of humour! But he sure hates Mulslims so we got plenty in common!

What else happened today? Banned more Mulsims especially those Syrian Terrorists, trying to bring their babies and sob stories to Toad United (I am thinking of changing the name of this country to fit in with all my other great marvellous fantastic wonderful possessions. Do you think that Toad United sounds like a soccer club? Maybe United Toads. But there is only one Great Toad. Perhaps that’s best, because it includes my whole family. And let’s face it. When I’m gone they inherit the Presidency!) Do you think I need to change my slogan too? Maybe “I will make America Toad again!” Har har har. They wouldn’t understand that the dumbells.

I am having my portrait painted! Such a pain, I told the guy I can’t sit in one place because of the hemorrhoids so I’m sending him hundreds of pictures. No nudes unless he asks for them! AND I’ve been choosing the art for the walls of Toad Hall. I have great taste.

You know what, dear doury, nobody really understands me except for me and you. I mean everybody is starting to know how great I am but there are still people who are unbelievers. I stay awake twenty four hours working for my country. OK, maybe twenty. People who sleep are just lazy! I won’t take incompetence, I tell all my people this. I’m trying to get R. Priapus to see things right, he says some stupid shit sometimes. The only guy with some smarts in my Swamp Creatures is chief crocodile Mike Banner, who wants every little Liberal banned and sent back to their home country with the terrorists. I mean Jared aint bad but he sure likes Jews and I must admit, see I got so many Jews around me, sometimes I just think they’re all plotting. That’s what they do! Well, he married my gorgeous daughter so gotta be nice.

Do you know I put so much effort keeping people informed! I got my tweets, six times a day! Precisely 6.53am, 7.35, 6.38, 6.11, 7.10. I even made a video today, check the @Potus account! I watch all the shows. Especially the news when it’s about me, Fox natch and MSNBC because I’m in love with Mika Brzezinski, she’s a treat. Never CNN or CBS, lying bastards. Then I love The Walking dead, because that’s what the Liberals are now they’re defeated. American Grit on Fox because that’s what I got and I could beat any of those bozos! I totally love Game of Thrones, gives me so many ideas how I’m gonna run this country! I adore American Idol because that’s what I am, gonna enter one day and sing for the nation. “My Country is of Me!”. Great. I never watch the Apprentice trust me it’s shit now I’ve gone to better things. All the shows.

I have decided that the best way to deal with liberals  is gonna be, HURT them. Hurt them good. Liberals never learn. I will hurt them financially, I will imprison them, I will shut up their press and their lies. Trust me! And when they are really hurting and I give them just a little something here and a little something there, they will start to love me.

Now THAT’S the art of the fucking deal!

Notes to genius self

• Send in the Feds to Chicago. Honestly, crime is gonna have to be tackled. Arm them with semi-automatics and a couple machine guns. Shoot, burn, loot, that’s what I want. Fight fire with fire! It makes more fire! Love it.
• Wait till the Teresia woman is gone before signing an Exec to get those terrorists out of United Toads. That was the deal we struck and I’m gonna stick to it.