A little while ago I dropped a fantasy/dystopian/horror plot idea on to Facebook and this website, see http://jonelkon.com/a-writing-exercise-for-you/and just wanted to share this one from Grigor, which I think is pretty gruelling, with my comments.  I’ll paste it in at the end of this blog. Gregor has given me permission to use it as an example. Thanks for that!

What do others think?

Other writers who have submitted, I have answered you individually with ideas for improvement or general points on style etc, but herewith a few general points:

1. Exposition can be an enemy, unless it’s done in an incredibly original way. In my new novel, I have to inform the reader about how castration plays a major part in the history of Opera. Yes, really! So hard to do, so I understand how some of you resorted to explanations. Have a look at how Grigor did it. Did he succeed?
2. Humour: look (Abbie!) it’s very hard to present this kind of plot humorously. As I’ve said to you, you did it but be very careful of used tropes…
3. At the other end of the spectrum: horror. It is hard to be bleak without exhausting the reader. Perhaps the tone of Grigor’s is what I like.
4. Viewpoint character: always decide whose story this is, and who’s telling it. If a detached narrator – who is he or she? Is he/she omniscient? You don’t have to say who she/he is, as long as you know.
5. TONE!
6. On the subject of cliches (no names!) – people often use cliches in speech, so to some extent I forgive you. But there is no excuse for “he was as sick a a parrot” (yes, really.) Sometimes I take a well-worn cliche (like that one – i.e a ‘well-worn cliche’) dust it, polish it and change it. You could Monty-Python it, for example, by saying ‘as sick as a dead parrot’ Or ‘sicker than a parrot under a steam roller’ but that works better in humorous writing.
7. What else: description: showing off! Adjectives and adjectives upon adjectives. Not trendy! Better to look at your most beloved sentences and give them a snip, without castrating them. Here’s a writer’s cliche for you: “Be ready to kill your babies” – i.e, sometimes a sentence or a description or even a character can easily be culled, leaving the whole story much better for it. (You know who I’m referring to dear fellow.)

If YOU submitted a story and you are prepared to let me pull it apart here, in public, please let me know. (email is best).

So here then, not presented as the ideal but simply as a version I liked, is Grigor’s story. My comments are in BOLD.

A DEATH

Interesting Title. Teasing, but could he have used something more interesting?

When he opened his eyes, he knew he was no longer here. The evidence was all around him. The shattered remains of his Piper Cub airplane, clinging to the side of the cliff as if crucified. And Blo was just below the wreck on a narrow ledge, with aircraft fuel spurting down onto him.

Great setup! Very visual and original. I love “as if crucified”

A man ambled along a path at the base of the hill toward him, whistling. He was about twenty five, gaunt for his age, almost cocky, walking with the insouciant confidence of a young man who knows precisely where he is going.

“Who knows precisely…etc. Could he have used a more original description?

Thank God, thought Blo. “Hey there! Help! Help” he shouted

“Hello up there!” The man looked up, saw him and winked. “I say,” he said, “got yourself in a bit of a mess haven’t you?”

I like the implied tone of the man at the foot of the cliff. I hear an exaggerated posh accent. Good fun

“A bit of a mess! Help me! The plane’s about to blow!”

Just then the plane blew up. A fireball roared out from the fuel tank, a horizontal volcano erupting outward.

Shock and surprise! Love this. Can a fireball erupt outward?

Everything disappeared. When Blo opened his eyes he was lying at the foot of the cliff. The Man stood over him, arms akimbo, a huge grin splashing across his face as if  he’s suddenly understood the joke.

Good stuff! We may realise Blo has died, and ‘getting the joke’ is a wry and ambiguous phrase here.

“Welcome!” the Man said,  “Conscious now are we?”

“I don’t know….” Blo said, inspecting himself for injuries. “I don’t believe it…” He inspected himself for injuries. Then he stood, shakily and looked up at the still-burning plane.

“I think we’d better get you out of here,” the man said, taking his arm. “It looks to me as if we may just be about to get rained on by flaming aircraft.”

Pace: We need to move the action on rapidly, and Grigor tackles this well by changing the scene.

Rapidly the two men ran down the road, and none too soon, as what was left of the Piper Cub rained down onto the ground in showers of flaming metal and fuel.

“Where am I?” Blo asked. “Where are we going?”

“My name is Ronnie”, the Man said. “I was ambling on my way to the Capital, going to see my girlfriend, when I saw your plane come down. So welcome, Blo.”

“Thank you I think! How far are we from the city?”

“Oh, a few miles…we’ll be there soon. Are you ok to walk?”

“I think so – ” Blo said, “Depends how far…”

We probably suspect that Blo may be dead, but so far Ronnie hasn’t let him realise it. This enables tension to build up. As the story goes on, it gets more surrealistic. It starts with the next line:

“Hey!” Blo said suddenly. “How did you know my name?”

“Ahhhh,” Ronnie said, “is that your name? I guessed it.”

The reader now realises that she/he is in a different territory and hopefully at this point, invests in the story. Wanting to know! Reading ON. And this is the task of the writer: to draw the reader into the writer’s world. In your stories: how do you get the reader to invest their time into your creation?

I’m now going to cut to the reveal, because if I’m to get YOU to invest in this literary exercise, I need to avoid giving you too much at one time. If you want the whole thing, email me and I’ll send it to you.

Blo has met Grey, and has learned that he (Blo) himself is a type of android and that most of Humanity – excluding Ronnie and Grey in Grigor’s interpretation – (interesting but I don’t think credible.) (Gregor?) – is android.

Grigor has chosen to do the Reveal in dialogue. How else could he have done it?

….. Ronnie laughed. “Shall we watch the sunset together? There’s a great view from this hill!”

“I don’t understand!” Bro protested. “If I’m an android – I mean, just a fucking ROBOT – how am I supposed to enjoy a sunset?”

“Of course you will enjoy it! You are programmed to enjoy it! Here. Come sit with me.”

And so man and robot sat there, on Blue Tree Hill, watching as the sun dropped gently into flaming clouds as if into a comforting warm bath.

Does this image work for you? I’m in two minds. I like the name of the hill. Perhaps that could have been signposted earlier? Here we may be pleased Grigor sees Ronnie as a Human – potential for irony.

“I liked it when there were lots of humans,” Ronnie said with a sigh.

“Why?” Blo asked. “I thought you said they were a waste of space!”

Ronnie laughed. “They certainly wasted their space! Space and time. An infestation. A virus. An infection the planet had to dispose of.”

“Yet they created us. Us Androids.”

A chilly wind crept over them from the East, making Ronnie shiver.

This is nice. Breaking the exposition up with some weather, or description. The use of “chilly wind” is also a reference to the chilly nature of the information Ronnie is sharing.

“They did. It was the only way they could ensure their survival in some form…”

“Tell me something”, Blo said eventually. “Ronnie – why did this happen? I mean humans replacing themselves with Androids and getting wiped out?”

“Same old same old,” Ronnie said. “Combination of Climate Change, nuclear war, starvation, blah blah. They were warned and warned.”

“It’s rather sad,” Blo said, rather sadly.

I don’t actually like this repetition, clever as it is. It seems forced.

“Mmmm.” Ronnie agreed.

By now the night was establishing itself over the shattered land. Stars were making their appearance, and man and android felt very alone.

“Ronnie?” Blo said.

“Ask.”

“Seeing as I’m going for repair, and I assume you’ll wipe my memory – ?”

“Yes we will. We have to make you a new body as well. You’ve pretty much wrecked this one.”

“So you can tell me now. You can tell me the truth. Can’t you?”

“I suppose I can,” the man said.

“So – how long ago did all this happen? This destruction? This – mess?”

“In Earth years?”

“Yes, dammit. How long ago? Tell me!”

“Very well, I will,” he said. Then “To the nearest thousand years?”

“Yes! Tell me!”

“Around ten thousand years. Yes, close to that.”

The Android wept.

End

I can see what he was trying to do – end with a shock, an emotional jar, with the political/environmental message spooned in.  I like the way he spins it out, for effect. To some extent he was successful. But trying to make political points in fiction is very dangerous territory! Not entirely his fault, as I wrote the plot.

I am impressed with Grigor’s interpretation, as I am with those of some others. Special mention to Michael M, Sandy, Thandeka, Morris and Marie EW. Baie dankie ne!

NEXT EXERCISE: Big lesson for me! So many people found this a tremendously difficult project, so let’s start with something much easier. I think on a scale of difficulty from 1 – 10, this was a ten. Most people left huge holes in the plot. Which made me realise that this plot needs to be a novel, not a Short Story. We’re all learning!

Keep an eye on my Facebook page and this website. The next MEGASAGA competition is coming up, and the next LET’S LEARN WRITING blog will appear soon!