Author: Jon Elkon

  • WRITING COMPETITION 2022

    WRITING COMPETITION 2022

    £100 for a 100 word story!

    THE COMPETITION

    WELCOME BACK to our annal MEGASAGA competition. Once again I am offering a PRIZE of £100 for over 18s, £50 for under 18s for the very best short story, and I mean short. 100 words short, including title! In previous years I have had the pleasure and privilege of reading some wonderful entries, and the judges (there are four this year, all writers) have enjoyed every story both Senior and Junior.

    To give you an idea of what a 100 word story can do, here is the shortlist from last year http://jonelkon.com/the-shortlist-2/

    Last year I opened the Competition to Juniors for the first time and I happily awarded the talented WANAWI JENYE a SPECIAL PRIZE of 25 crisp UK Pounds for ‘VENGEANCE’S BITTER CONFECTION., and I will be offering a Junior Prize again! THIS YEAR IT’S INCREASED TO £50!

    FIRST PRIZE of £100 (Senior) was won by the wonderful BEULAH HARRIS for her story MORNING. Well-deserved!

    SO GET WRITING! We especially welcome unpublished writers, writers from different backgrounds and all ages – but above all, we recognise TALENT.

    AND IT’S FREE TO ENTER!

    SHORTLISTED STORIES WILL BE PUBLISHED HERE, ALL SHORTLISTED STORIES WILL BE REVIEWED AND (CONSTRUCTIVELY) CRITICISED BY OUR PANEL and many people will read and enjoy your stories! So it’s not even about winning…

    SEE BELOW FOR HOW TO ENTER

    EXACTLY 100 words including the title. Count them!

    It doesn’t have to be dark…Humour will cheer us up! And don’t we need it. It doesn’t have to be funny- previous winners have brought tears to our eyes. Whether character-driven or plot-driven, it only has to be CRAFTED, and fit easily and comfortably into its 100-word straitjacket.

    And if you want to learn more about good writing, there is a wealth of great tips on this website! Look at http://jonelkon.com/category/writing-tips/

    SO – GET WRITING!

    THE COMPETITION: RULES

    1. Submissions must be exactly 100 words including the title and must be entirely original, unpublished and the work of the person making the submission.
    2. Submissions must be emailed to jonelkon3@gmail.com. The subject line should contain MEGASAGA ENTRY 5.
    3. No more than 3 entries per person.
    4. No correspondence will be entered into.
    5. The DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES is 20th JULY 2022
    6. The 10 SHORTLISTED SENIOR ENTRIES will appear on this website on the 30th July 2022, allowing my readers to make comments and to cheer for their favourites. No entries are accepted after this date.
    7. The Shortlisted JUNIOR entries will appear on this website on 10th August 2022
    8. The SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will be submitted to a panel of 3 writers, and previous competition winners, who will make the decision as to who will win the £100 prize. The judges’ decision is final.
    9. The WINNER will be announced on this website on the 14th August – and the prize will be rushing his/her way by Paypal or bank transfer!
    10. This competition is subject to the laws of the United Kingdom governing competitions.
    11. Stories must be previously unpublished, original and entirely the work of the author.

    I CAN’T WAIT TO READ YOUR STORIES!

    UPDATE! See http://jonelkon.com/megasaga-update/

  • Gone Away

    Gone Away

    …some old news

    (I wrote this a couple of weeks ago before I got Covid for the second time, before the local elections which I lost, and it puts my teeth on edge. I am publishing it because there are a few cynical phrases which, with some human polish, could be adapted to work. Don’t read it if you’re easily disgusted by an author’s self-indugence.)

    Apologies dear readers for the break in transmission! I guess I’ve been on mute. It’s not as if I haven’t been watching YOU, I always do. After all, I’ve been convinced for years that I am probably from another planet, or possibly dead and hadn’t noticed it. Hey this isn’t evidence of some encroaching mental illness – just boring, standard Outsider Syndrome, and I do realise and appreciate that you suffer from it as well.

    As an Outsider I watch the games Humans play, sometimes with all my fingers in my mouth. Being an Alien I have fifty-four of them. I mean, how absurd and tragic that Humans seem to need to indulge in War, Plague, destroying their own climate, wallowing in testosterone and serotonin and spending half their lives interfering with their own and other people’s crotches.

    It’s rather like the drunken smoker setting light to his bedclothes and falling asleep.

    Forgive me but I need to observe you so I can make you characters in my life.

    So my contribution to the mayhem has been to keep writing, submitting my RAGAZZO to agents and publishers; joining in one political party’s attempts to control the madness (guess which), teaching people how to protect their bodies from idiots, listening to Baroque Opera. Oh, and polishing swords just in case Mr Putin comes to call.

    Yes I know a sword is no damn use against the Russian wanker, but Seppuku may be.

    And on the subject of life and death: Nah. I’ve got nothing of relevance to say about those two. Except, of course, this most important of revelations, gained sitting cross-legged on a turtle:

    Life is Death’s way of propagating itself; and vice versa.

    Maybe you knew that.

    So, in case you are a Literary Agent nosing into my website in order to discover how many millions follow my blog, allow me to say this: RAGAZZO IS A DARN GOOD READ and I’ve read lots of good reads. And in case you are a Tory Candidate in Hounslow nosing into my blog to see if you can find any skeletons in my closet: MY CLOSET IS FULL OF SKELETONS JUST LIKE YOU. Actually that’s not true but don’t tell them. Giggling emoji.

    I’m most unlikely to be selected by the absurd electoral system, as I am dead or an Alien – despite the fact that most of the Local Councillors fall into one or both of those categories. I am therefore available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, cupboards and barbecues. See you on the spit.

    I miss you. x

  • DESTROY THE EARTH!

    DESTROY THE EARTH!

    675th of XZblishl year 222561
    Deep Secret (But Not For Long)


    1.1 Introduction

    Oh hail GREAT SKONG, CEO OF THE Aldeberanian Empire of planets!  what a joyful day! It would seem that at last our agents have achieved our 1,000,000-year  objective: the destruction of Human life on Earth and most other life too. This will allow us untrammelled access to the Plastic Mines, the Porn Fields,  the liquefied and gasified fossils, and oh joy oh joy the nuclear explosives and heavenly radiation so that we can use them to destroy all life on other planets too!


    In case your other Agents have to yet report – and I’m certain they haven’t, as I’ve blown them up with up their Intergalactic Multiverse Communicators, here is my Report.


    1.2 Field Agent Reports


    1.2.1 THE USELESS STATES
    Since the decline and defeat of our beloved Agent 273536 , known to us as DumbAss and by Earthlings as Donald J Trump, ~ I had thought that the Useless States were lost to us, but fortunately he has been replaced by a rapidly biodegrading human variant, who poses little or no threat to anyone. Our dear Dumbold J. Ass continues every attempt to undermine this Bide-a wee and who knows, in their year 2024 the Amerigoons could select Our Man again, which could see our project of destruction in the Uselessness Statues proceed once more. But read on! He may not, in the end, be necessary which will save us  billions of slave-brains on toast, his favourite food.


    1.2.1 GROSS BRITSKI 
    Boriski Jobsworth, Chief executive of Gross Brittania plc ltd. has been working tirelessly for the destruction of his island and its provinces. He has helped, for instance,  in every way to facilitate the spread of the  deadly Cow Vid, the often fatal disease spread by tiny Bill Gateses which zoom about on minuscule flying bovines looking for suitable bodies to enter and shred. 


    To make sure of maximum fatalities, he had already destroyed the Health Service, which could  have limited  the spread of the Pan Demic (named after Peter Pan Demic, a legendary fairy) and so once the Billgateses had bored their way into almost everybody (something they almost succeeded in doing with Windows 10) Hospitals had nothing to do but let the bodies pile high. 


    It was a worthy effort, especially when the whole world joined in getting infected, but despite all his efforts, alas, and those of the tribe called the Deniers, far too many humans survived.


    For the full background and previous Reports see http://jonelkon.com/not-boris-johnson-another-aldeberanian-hero/


    1.2.3b THE WHOLLY RUSTY EMPIRE
    Agent Vlad Impaler Putinski, the Judoka Godfather  Emperor or Star Knickerless V12, to give him half his titles, has proven himself highly effective in our program of destruction of the Human Race and is my new Hero!  His previous attempts to start World War 3 having failed despite his best efforts, he now seems well on track. All his training (the same syllabus studied by all our Alumni including the above, and of course Sad Arse of Syria, Herr Erdogranny of Turkey, Herr Bald Sinatra of Bra Zill, that bloke in the Phillips whose name I can never remember, and sundry other assholes worldwide) in A-Level Lying, BA in Spying, Basic and advanced Sliming, Undermining, Hacking, Smacking, Screwing, Advanced Unscrewing, Elementary KGBing, getting the clap in, and Judo have served him and the Aldeberanian Empire exceptionally well. 


    Even as I write the massed monsters of the Evil Empire pour into neighbouring borders, killing maiming and destroying everything they come across –  all our favourite hobbies. To the extent that they could almost be Aldeberanian Death Squads, except that they are too stupid to eat their victims.

    And here’s the best part: our favourite fuel and food is at his beck and command! Atomic this, nuclear that, a plethora of upsplitted atoms which, he has promised, will shortly be let loose Earthwide! How long it has taken us to get to this  point. And I know how you and all Aldeberanians looooong to bask in the radiation, to lose yourselves in orgasms as you enjoy the total destruction of a human race as their minds and bodies are ripped to infinitesimal shreds!

    1. CONCLUSIONS ENDINGS AND LUNCH

    There will of course be a celebration feast and fiesta once this pesky planet has been eliminated, to which you are all heartily invited. Those wishing to be eaten need to get your requests in now.

     
    I will shortly be climbing upon that nuclear cloud which will gloriously return me to our lovely home Planet and I SO look forward to  our battle to the death, O GREAT SKONG, and to the ritual dining upon our body parts!

  • The Christmas Thieves – By Beulah Lee Harris

    The Christmas Thieves – By Beulah Lee Harris

    I know it’s long past the Xmas season, and I also know many of you did not enjoy it as much as in those halcyon pre-2020 days. But here to cheer you up is a story by the wonderful BEULAH LEE HARRIS, winner of last year’s MEGASAGA competition. I hope you enjoy it.



    It was a magical time in Little Hampton,  even though snow had yet to make an appearance.  Evergreen winter shrubs bloomed and Christmas lights that adorned shop windows and hung from cottage gutter hooks added a riot of colour.
           Shop owners in their annual show of Christmas spirit, dropped their prices and the pub extended its happy hour to two hours.  There seemed to be a Father Christmas on every street handing out sweets to the children.  The church youth choir was out singing carols every day and even the grumpiest of villagers got into the spirit and sang along. Pop-up stalls sold mince pies, Christmas cakes and cellophane-wrapped biscuits and chocolates.
                The youngest of the village children were on their best behavior, not fighting or snatching sweets from each-other.  They were minding their manners and eating all their food, even yucky cabbage, and going to bed on time.  If they heard a noise outside or thought they saw a shadow at the window, they did not call out for their parents.  They went back to sleep, happy in the knowledge that it was just Wee Willie Winkie checking on them, and they were being very good.

    Yes, it was a magical time – until two weeks before Christmas, the thieving started.  One man had his wallet lifted when shopping for gifts in the market, the florist had her till emptied when she nipped out the back to pick foliage, and Sister Annie, the Headmistress at the Convent School was dismayed that the nuns reported a break in.  Nothing of monetary value had been stolen, for the nuns had very little, but the intruders had taken some food from their fridge, a rosary, and a few books.  An elderly couple who often forgot to lock their doors, awoke to find their cookie jar of rainy-day coins and a leather jacket missing.
                The coffee shop was a buzz of indignant and excited chatter.  Who would be thieving in their village?  Who was new to the area?  No-one knew.  Better be extra careful about locking doors and windows!
                ‘Let’s not put our Christmas presents under the tree this year,’ Mrs Allan cautioned. ‘Thieving bastards might nick those too!’
                ‘I never do,’ Mrs Brown replied, her jolly face wobbling with laughter. ‘Our Billy would shake them all broken, scallywag that he is!’
                ‘Nobody could break into our house,’ Mrs Scott smugly said. ‘My George is a locksmith and our house is burglar proof.  You might want to get him in for a quotation, you know.  Not too expensive.

    In the early hours of the next morning, the Christmas thieves were sitting on a rug, cozy and warm next to their log fire, unwrapping parcels.
                ‘Ooh, look at this!’ One thief exclaimed holding up a set of earrings. ‘I wonder if these are real diamonds?’
                ‘Here’s an envelope,’ another thief said. ‘Bound to be money in it.’   The card was tossed into the fire and the fifty pounds stashed with the rest of their cash behind a loose brick. 
                The thieves unwrapped a twelve year old bottle of Glen Fiddich, which they drank while they unwrapped the rest of their haul.  Socks, scarves, chocolates, a tin of toffees, and a soap-on-the-rope.  They then went through the canvas bag of other goods they had lifted from the same house:  Two silver candlestick holders, an old pocket watch,  a set of binoculars, a small crystal vase and a wallet containing one hundred and seventy-five pounds and some change. Not bad for one nights work!
    Mrs Scott looked rather sheepish the next morning when she met her acquaintances in the coffee shop.
                ‘Know anyone who makes burglar guards for windows?’ She asked. ‘Those thieving bastards cut a hole in the window, just like you see on the telly. Right professionals!’

    The already angry community were outraged when poor old Jeff Coggins got hurt one night.  He was woken by his Pomeranian barking.  He got out of bed, went through to the lounge and saw someone creeping out of the door with a bag of goods.  He shouted and gave chase but slipped, twisting his ankle and bumping his head.
                ‘Can’t identify the fellow,’ Jeff told the police. ‘All hooded up from what I could see of him.’
                The chief of police and his three constables were flummoxed – not a finger print to be found.  Scott the locksmith did a roaring trade, as did the alarm company he recommended for a fat conmmission..  

    The night before Christmas eve, the thieves noticed an anonymous cottage, one they had not noticed before, on the outskirts of the village. It was half hidden by large firs. No sign of an alarm, no burglar guards.  Unless there was a little yapper inside, this little house was ripe for the picking.

    Stealthily,  expertly they let themselves in through a window and the house was plucked clean.
                When they returned the thieves sat on the rug next to their log fire, anticipating unwrapping the parcels.
                ‘I think I know whose house we just robbed,’ one thief said, taking a credit card out of a wallet. ‘J.S. Jones…isn’t that the name of that weird woman, the clairvoyant?’
                ‘Clairvoyant, you say?’
                ‘Mm.’ The thief tossed the empty wallet aside. ‘Ah, great, an envelope!  A nice, fat one too…’
                ‘Stop!’
                ‘Why?’ The thief ripped open the envelope and peered inside. ‘What’s this?  Looks like -’
     Those were last words ever spoken in that little house as a massive explosion ripped through the room. The fire was intense, and by the time the fire brigade got there, the cottage had all but burnt to the ground. There were no survivors.
                Everyone was shocked to the core, even the bomber.  It was only supposed to be a small explosion, one that would hurt or maim perhaps, but not kill.  There was nothing she could or would do about it now, though.  What was done was done.
                The Christmas thieves and their robberies were forgotten as the devastating explosion was all anyone could think or talk about.  A forensic investigation took place and it soon came out that the explosion was caused by a letter bomb.  All but one in the community were utterly baffled. Who on earth would want to harm two sweet nuns?

                
    END

    Beulah is a master of the explosive ending, and was Roald Dahl. Her collection of Short Stories is growing… 

    Illustration: Carol Morgan


  • With Love to Forugh Farrokhzad

    Forugh Farrokhzad was a magnificent, awesomely talented Iranian poet who died at the age of 32 in 1967. She deserves to be remembered, celebrated and above all, read worldwide. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forugh_Farrokhzad In her style, this is my tribute to her,

    As if you lived in the dawn beyond my days

    Blowing kisses at lies

    Taking your short beloved life as a draft of wine

    Kept in the bottom of

    The cold sea.

    Your limits were kept in the soul of infinity which

    Is as naked as the love you broadcast, the erupting love, the unbroken love.

    Salaam. You flowed above us, your words embracing,

    Weaving,

    Hanging us.

    If only I’d looked.

    How beautiful your pure bright reflection

    Shattered in the windscreen of your broken car

    In which the clock

    And your lavish dreams 

    Stopped.

    Undanced in the shards of wine glasses.

    Your obituary is the perfection

    of your words each made of glass.

    You swerved to avoid children

    How kind you were

    How you made love with words

    And nailed us to the cross of your beautiful

    silence which, victim of stolen time

    Leaves us only with the legacy 

    Of the space between 

    The intersection between 

    Extremities.

    I believe.

    Salaam.

  • Love Saves

    Love Saves

    Two stories on the topic of LOVE

    …because LOVE is all that stands between us and them. Between the Devil and the deep blue meanies. Because Lil’ Hipsy said she wanted to write something about Love, and I said, crazy! Me too. The rules: 1,000 words only! One day to write it, one to edit. So here are both of them!

    IF YOU have a good short Story, 1,000 – 2,000 words on the theme of LOVE SAVES email it to me and if it’s good enough, I’ll publish it here!

    STORY 1

    DEAR EARTH

    By LORNA MALAN (Lil’ Hipsy!)

    The letter you hold within your hand will have come to you in many different ways, the content of this letter will have first created within you a deep feeling that you cannot at first explain, it will “tug at your heart strings” ( a phrase I learnt while observing you for some 30 years) thereafter you will wonder, doubt will start forming and conspiracy will be the ‘reason’ for some 8 billion people receiving the same letter. It does not entirely matter what you think, I only ask that you read it until the end. 

    My name is Squish and whilst I sit watching my class full of yungins learn the very complexities of your planet, I think back to the year I was sent on an experimental mission from my galaxy to yours. They never sent the ‘big thinks’ on these types of missions, as much as my elders tried to make me feel important, I knew it was only because I was a ‘small think’ and they had no other use for me.

    My genetic make-up was different and I had what you would call an ‘under developed brain’ – what they didn’t know though and the very reason I am writing this to you is that , that mission changed the course of the lives of so many ‘little thinks’ for eternities to come and I feel I need to return the favour, by uncovering the paramount essence you hold, however blanketed by the concrete weight of how you in fact lack ‘little thinks’ , the funny thing is that you are capable of both little and big thinks all at once, you are extraordinary and I hope this letter helps you in some way, to separate the rush from the river that runs so deep within you and that you remember the one thing that now has an entire mission named after it, from another world, with what you call aliens inhabiting it.

    First of all, we are not the silly looking beings you think we are, I laughed so much hearing all your conspiracy stories and reading books or watching films where you depict us as, quite frankly very scary looking creatures, gosh I too hope there isn’t that sort of reality out there. The only real difference between us is that we are much shorter than you, a little more flexible and most of us have access to both sides of our brains, yes you got it, the ‘little thinks’ well we don’t, so it makes us much like you but even you have more brain power than a ‘little think.’ We also don’t quite die, we only age enough to become elders and we fall asleep only to wake up some hundred years later having regenerated. It’s a whole warped story and I still find it somewhat weird.

    Many of us roam Earth, we have one other ‘super power’- we cannot be seen by you, somehow your mind blocks us out, maybe it’s not so much us that have this so called super power but it’s you that is able to sort reality from what you call delusion, very few earthlings have been able to spot us and when they do, they go entirely bonkers. It’s not really good for them because they end up in much trouble with their fellow earthlings, some even locked away, I’ve cried for nights on end watching this happen, little thinks are particularly empathic. 

    I was sent here at the age of 10 to watch and observe your behaviour, the elders were particularly interested in how you held the capacity of little and big thinks at once without having full access to your brain. I didn’t quite understand my task but I knew that I wasn’t going back home from the way my poor mum cried. I was an outcast but even still I had a job for my planet and that was to relay information that could help our world grow. Just by my thoughts, they received that information instantly.

    I started off by learning the very many different languages, cultural behaviours and religious ethics you hold, as a small think, everything was somewhat confusing in the beginning, I couldn’t understand the way you made many insignificant things such big thinks. I knew from then, I really never wanted to be a big think at all. I learnt your behavioural patterns, your emotions, how they coincided but I knew what your trouble was soon enough and I did this by remaining who I was – a little think. 

    It started off one day as I sat in the rain and felt it pounding on my skin, it was a beautiful feeling, I saw how other earthlings enjoyed it too, some sat smiling, others crying, some jumping in puddles with those funny looking shoes that grew up their legs, some twirling around and singing, some couples touching lips with each other, later I found out this was called kissing and of course others shying away from it with umbrellas, some rushing to get under cover, some swearing their gods for this downpour. 

    On a different day, I sat in the heat of the summer sun, as a small think it was much easier for me to take in the ‘smaller’ details, I searched for a word to describe how it felt to have the warmth of your sun penetrate me and the smell of the air whilst little creatures roamed around spilling magical dust on flowers as I watched them grow and bloom, I saw how they made earthlings happy too, I watched how some would pick flowers and at first I was enraged until I saw them smiling and passing it over to their significant other, causing another bloom that created the perfect colours surrounding them, I couldn’t as a small think quite place what exactly this feeling was called, it bothered me to extremities and I set out on a mission to keep observing the little thinks earthlings had until I could place it, until I could find a word that matched it.

    I found myself visiting places where your elders’ gathered children who had no parents, those who had suffered a great deal and needed shelter from much of the harsh realities of your world, only because that concrete weight you carried around on your shoulders, overpowered this magic within you. I saw these children being held by people they didn’t know and hearing their heartbeats slow to a rhythm of bliss, I could feel their hearts relaxing into what you call safety and finally content. I watched them play and sing, embrace one another and grow. These little thinks they had started growing on me. 

    I visited many different homes and observed patterns, some weren’t as lovely as others but in every situation I encountered with earthlings, they had these small thinks that changed everything, while they had very big thinks too, it was clear to me that big thinks is what drew them away from little thinks but through it all they seemed to find a way pull through some dark places, ones that left them dreary and sad. 

    I had started jotting them down as I got older because I couldn’t quite keep track anymore. I had a little blue spotted diary with Squishy written on it, given to me by my mum if I had trouble forgetting. She told me little thinks generated a malfunction when they came of a certain age but that writing helped with memory. 

    Here are a few extracts:

    *An aged lady crossed the road today but she was certain to meet her fate if a young gentlemen hadn’t run up to help her with her cart. She smiled at him and told him to be blessed by God, her aged face turned young when her smile reached her eyes. 

    *A mother caresses her yungin after a tumble and kisses her little foot chanting “mommy’s kisses make the booboos go away” the yungin believes her and smiles, tears still visible but again I hear the rhythm of the yungings heart as it slows down to this feeling the mother passes on.

    *A young man pushes his wife in chair with wheels because she cannot walk, he speeds around the corner with her and she laughs hysterically…they go on to singing a song about never getting old and never dying young. How complex. That feeling is there again. 

    * Men come off flying saucers dressed in a strange green, to meet their wives and yungins, they cry, they smile, the wives jump into the men’s arms, the kids hold up little cards and they walk off into their own sunset. Their heart rhythms speak to me again.

    * A blind man pets his overly hairy dog as it licks his hand then guides it to where he needs to find the thick paste, he is looking for to put on his white squared food piece, the man smiles and again I feel the rhythm of both their hearts. This feeling is becoming more intense.

    *They are putting a child into the ground, he is no longer of beating heart, he has died, this is unfamiliar to me. I watch how people cry, their eyes don’t stop overflowing with tears, the mother puts her hand on the casket, lays a single white rose across it and utters “what is grief, if not love persevering” in her mind it is a quote she knows and holds close and for the first time she uses it and utters “my dear soul, I wish I had written those words but today I say unto you, the memory of your most beautifully intense and energetic love will be what saves me. Rest now my child”

    It was right there, right in that moment I knew, that the word I had been searching for to match every rhythm I felt, was “love”. It was always love that persevered, it was love that stopped hearts from combustion as they sped up from anguish or fear. It was love that held families together, it was love that made children believe in magic, it was love that made earthlings kinder, it was love that bonded animals with people, it was love that set young adults out to accomplish dreams and in the same way it was love that was there to pick them up if they didn’t. It was love that kept people holding on when they could have let go, it was those that held so much love within that they could make those who saw the harsher side of this world believe in love again. 

    This was the biggest think I had ever encountered as a small think and in that moment, I woke up laying in my mums’ arms while she smiled at me, her own aged eyes filled with tears and in that very moment I whispered to her ” It’s love mama, love saves.” 

    Years passed and my story was in every classroom. I wrote a book about love; I taught the elders and went on to become the Ketas first little think to have amalgamated little thinks into a big think and change the course of the world we knew. I took yungins on missions to earth several times to experience the rhythms I had once felt from heart beats, to see the way their little thinks meant so much more than their big thinks. 

    I grew old and as my time came closer, I became a teacher. I sit here knowing you’re about to receive this letter. I also sit here knowing my time as a great elder is to come and I’ve chosen to spend it on earth so that I too may utter the words “what is grief if not love persevering” and die as one should, having known it was love who saved me too. 

    Squish

    STORY 2

    Love Saves

    Bert Love was forty-three when he realised he was dead. It wasn’t a sudden realisation; he had been carrying on much as usual. Tuesday had followed Wednesday, then came Monday exactly as before. Then, he had slowly become aware that something wasn’t quite right.

    He checked the calendar. ‘Mildred!’ He called down the hall. ‘Come here a minute won’t you?’ A door opened further down the corridor and out she came, his eminently blowsy spouse of thirty years. ‘What now,’ she groaned grumpily. ‘I’m in the middle of making gruel. It’s not a good time to disrupt.’

    ‘Mildred darling dear, corruption of my fetishes!’ Both enjoyed inventing bizarre affectionate aphorisms. ‘Blinding spire of my erections, I beg you: what day is it?’

    ‘Why,’ she said, ‘most banal and beatific of  Berts, it’s the day before yesterday as it always is. Which is the day before the day before that!’

    ‘But’, said the Bert, ‘fustian feather of the Finnish forests, potato of the pines, surely by that, time is going backwards?’

    ‘Oh somnolent sweet sibilant symphony of the seas, exactly right! Have you not heard of that universal tautologous truism, that secret of the spheres – that explains all, encapsulates all, sums the whole of everything in a few words?’

    With that she floated up to him, so that her whispering mouth approached his shellish ear. ‘There is,’ she whispered, ‘Life after death!’

    ‘Really!’ Bert scoffed. ‘anomalous amateur, how bland and bibulous! How often have I visited All, and his sibling, Sundry Religious, every brand your baffled brain may consider, from the Cross-eyed to the Jubilists, from the Brotha to the I Slams, the Jades, the Hind Quarters and even the Bar, hi! Each one, dearest desecrator of delirium, says this: ‘Behold there is Life After Breath! Trust me and it shall be yours. Quoth Erat Demon Stratum!’’

     ‘How nearly! How Almost!’ Mildred cried, clapping her hands in glee. ‘I almost believed ALL of them, till I died!’

    ‘Pardon?’ For once Bert was baffled. ’What? Why do you say that? Hark! Art dead my love? Or mad in the head? Yet here you are, grinding gruel, boiling beans, burning breakfast as is ever my want! The dead hath no breakfast making powers. Surely! Perfect pudding of a patient partner. Or surely I could not see and hear you as clear as clear?’

    ‘Ah,’ sighed the woman spectrally. ‘dearest Bert Love. And were you not dead too, you could not.’

    Bert swallowed. This information was entirely shocking to him. Only little ago, he was shaking his head, laughing uproariously as he leapt from the roof of the building! Hang on, perhaps that was a clue.

    Wait. Just wait. With a horny hand, he reached deeply into his memory. And this is what he found.

    *                 *                 *                 *

    It was a cloudy day in late May, when Bert Love received the letter. He wasn’t often in receipt of letters. As Network Manager for Grace Notes plc, almost every communication he received was electronic. His life was interspersed with bits and bytes, and pieces of paper were rare. 

             At first he set it aside, rather as a curiosity or something precious to be enjoyed at  leisure, once he had finished setting up the Quondam database for the Sales Team. It was a big job but one he found interesting, and let’s face it, fun. 

             Yet his eyes strayed continually from his screen to the envelope lying next to the keyboard. Fascinating. A hand-addressed envelope. A stamp! Not quite straight and square on the whiteness of the top right hand corner which displayed the Queen’s head as if she was still going strong, still in charge of something. Royal Mail. 

             ‘Mr A Love

             IT Manager

             Grace Notes Ltd

             Albermarle Crescent

             London WC2 5LG’

             Three mistakes. It should read Network Manager. The Company was plc not Ltd. It couldn’t be official. It wasn’t notice to quit. Or a lottery win. And only his mother called him Albert. To everyone else he was Bert.

             Perhaps he should open it.

             No! Still the Database design called! Integrating the advertising, monetising the Social Media responses, ensuring all the formulas worked – – ! Wait. Wait till lunch break.

    *           *                 *                 *

    They crowded gawping in horror at the mess on the street. Blood, cloth, snapped bones. Some looked up at the horrified faces looking down from the Grace Notes’ cafeteria balcony on the twelfth floor. Somebody’s shaking fingers dialled 999. Somebody shaking fingers prised the note from the hard-clamped fingers.

                       *                 *                 *                 *

    ‘I perceive you might be right, my sprite, my flight of glee. Seems I am dead! How did this come to be?’

    Mildred sighed phlegmatically. ‘Twas the note I wrote’ quoth she.

    ‘Twere yours! Those words scrawled upon paper – your paws!’ He sputtered. 

    ‘How sad,’ she said, ‘That a mere jest could break your head. And mine!’

    ‘I recall….’ Quoth he, ‘Culled in our prime!’

    *           *                 *                 *

    Extract from the Evening Standard, 15th May 2023

    “….A lovers’ lunch date ended in tragedy this afternoon as both Mr Albert Love (34) and his wife Mildred (30) met a terrible end in  Albermarle Crescent this afternoon. Witnesses describe how they saw Mr Love (33) waving frantically from the twelfth-floor balcony of the staff restaurant, apparently trying to get the attention of his wife who was passing by on the street below. Beano Jobson, a window-cleaner on an adjacent building described what happened. ‘He was laughing his head off, shouting down to her to gain her attention. Then she saw him and looked up and exactly at that moment, he lost his hold and fell twelve floors, straight onto the head of his missus. She didn’t have a chance!’

    *           *                 *                 *

    Here be the note, saved by me from the cold dead fingers: “Dear Bert, See! I can still write! If you get this, let’s do lunch! I’m in the West End this afternoon! You say where! Big xxx Mildread”

    IF YOU have a good short Story, 1,000 – 2,000 words on the theme of LOVE SAVES email it to me and if it’s good enough, I’ll publish it here!

  • The WESTMINSTERTREE

    The WESTMINSTERTREE

    The CABINET hath been RESHUFFLE!

    In their crystal maze of glass and brass

    The ruling class sit on our ass

    And giggling make their silly rules

    For proles and other silly fools

    To carp and caw in rank dismay

    As all their ownings are taken away

    ‘Oh bliss!’ they cry, ‘How joy it be

    To water the Westminstertree!’

    And joy-consumed the one percent

    (Charging us a silly rent)

    And farting methane and carbon and stuff

    (well too much, dears, is NEVER enough!)

    And unzipped they plash  the tree with pee

    The spreading roots of the Westminstertree!

    Above on his nest the BORIS sits

    Upon his eggs and picks his nits

    While at his feet the sloven GOVE

    Doth pose and flurry in jacket mauve

    With hip-hop hussle he sways his hips

    And blows him kisses through painted lips

    His dagger hid inside his cloak

    The Govester giggles at his jokes

    And snidely pouts, quite off his head

    On DDT and Cannabis bread

    ‘Oh Boris! Dear’ he ecstatic cries

    ‘You’re the cleverest one! – do up your lies –

    Tis time your true blue flag unfurled –

    BORIS is King of the whole fucking world!’

    Below him on branches all insecure

    The Tory Bluds are counting the score

    The Williamson and his Black Widow spider

    The Jenrick with his Planning Insider

    The Raab, whose bleats defy

    The sea and its waves, the glowering sky

    The Priti who, ugly as sin

    Leaves all her gees in the grammatical bin

    And plowing her way though Channel’s squalls

    Builds out of ocean, Britain’s walls

    And there sits the Richi, Rishi Rich

    Who singing softly ‘Well life is a bitch

    When you ain’t got no money. Tee tee!

    At last Great Britain ain’t as wealthy as me!

    Now BORIS looking down decries

    His useless team, that so defies

    The cause of truth and justice grim

    As all the Cab defers to him

    ‘Alack!’ quoth he, My ministery

    Doth weigh me down the Westminstertree

    And those that hath upclimbed and clawed

    Hath reached too high – God I’m bored!’

    And taking up his wooden saw

    Our Boris doth the branches gnaw

    And one by one they tumble down

    Crying, ‘You shit you berk you malicious clown!

    ‘Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh you wait until I get my trews

    And  rumble thee on GB News!’

    And soon the newbies are installed

    In serried ranks some very bald

    The GOVESTER farts in upper glee

    As climbing up the Westminstertree

    ‘Oh Boris dear!’ He doth proclaim

    “You Level me Up! Thou mighty brain!’

    (His dagger held inside his cloak

    He’ll keep for now. What a bloke!)

    All Trussed up, good queen Liz

    Wonders where ‘Abroad’ is

    And can she send the Snowflakes there?

    And get the Wokes – out of her hair?

    Sajid at least a clean pair of hands

    Quite mask-free he quite glibly stands

    And by the past’s indication

    Will put the backbench ahead of the nation!

    Alok, alas, is still in post

    To Cop 26 while the world doth roast

    Quoth ‘We’ll wave a wand, you will see

    How magically and sound

    We still get coal from the ground

    And oil from the sea

    Thanks to me

    And Boris the King!

    Trust us to save

    The whole fucking thing!’

    The rest is such an awful shower

    A nest of vipers with too much power

    I can’t be bothered to write some more. Enough to say

    If ONLY they would go away!

    As clucking with delight as dim

    As Boris’ might, they worship him

    ‘Oh King behold the world defies

    The Westminstertree reaches up!

    To the skies!

    And never mind the Proles sad moans 

    As Covid seeps into their bones

    And there’s nothing left in Sainsbury

    Under the spreading Westminstertree!

  • On Maybe Having Covid

    On Maybe Having Covid

    Covidation!

    Yesterday I was almost overwhelmed by waves, bouts, earthquakes of nausea. Rising from my sofa was as easy  as standing on tiptoe and touching each corner of my ceiling with my bottom simultaneously would be. As I am not yet in a prison cell, dispute all my efforts I have no chance of doing that.


    So wtf! (Which stands for Why the Fuk Me?). The possibilities – was I having a stroke? Did the tuna sandwich at the demo lunchtime contain something rotten, nasty, life-threatening? The tuna’s revenge for the incursion of my teeth upon its dead flesh. Or was this a recurrence of the strange brand of vertigo I had as a result of the bike accident a year ago? (The meeting of head and sidewalk was not a happy one)

    SAILING THE NIGHT


    The night passed in its normal way, but when I reached the usual interval (or intermission. Translating for American readers. By the way, English readers, sidewalk equals ‘pavement’. Although strictly speaking the head hit the road, actually. The road won) at 3am, my pee stop, my disruption to the wonderful panoply of dreams – by the time I returned to bed, the nausea had returned times seven. Or nine. Bed became a raft on a stormy sea and this was even worse than the seasickness I will be suffering soon if I survive this. (I always have a few hours of seasickness when I go sailing, which passes, leaving me high happy and fit.) 


    Awake for hours. Even the World Service couldn’t lull me back into dreamland. Paracodol was futile. And I only have half a Zopliclone left. But that was in the kitchen, much too far away for me to crawl to.

    THE DOCTOR IS SUMMONED

    Eventually I surrendered to Dr Google. I try very hard to avoid the good Dr, because she he it specialises in misdirection, obfuscation, confusion. And above all, panic. I have never visited this ever-open surgery without leaving it in terror, rewriting my will (you get NUTTIN’) and saying bye-bye to my Twitter followers. Twitter gets you loads of sympathy by the way. Highly recommended. People who think Twitter is only fly-tipped bollox left by narcissistic trolls forget that the majority of users are actually very nice people who love sharing their niceness. People like me, of course. And you, natch.


    Dear Dr G informed me without any hesitation (there were 62,000,000,000 other answers which of course I didn’t read)  that I indubitably had the first symptoms of Covid. 


    Did you know ‘:…according to a recent review, 53% of people hospitalized with COVID-19 experience at least one gastrointestinal (GI) symptom at any time during their illness…..’ (Source: Medical News Today)

    LA VENDICAR

    (For my Italian readers. That means ‘The Revenge’ according to Kobbe’s Opera Book)
    That’s it. Those BASTARDS on the tube, flaunting their arrogant maskless grins, their I ain’t been vaxed and fukyou if you don’t like it vibe, their ‘and what’s more I support Brexit, believe the election was stolen (for my Americans), all Democrats are child molesters and QA does not stand for Questions and Answers. It stands for Quaint Assholes. Those racists, homophobes, transphobes, Tories….those potatoheaded prats! So I immediately put this on Twitter: ‘Some Mask-denying / vaccine denying moron has given me Covid! May he/she rot in hell where I will find him/her and try out every karate move I’ve learned in the past 40 years’

    Assuming I will end up in Hell of course. If there is a male jealous superior being on some planet as all the God Manuals state, I’m buggered, let’s face it. The Big Bloke’s petty and pedantic rules seem designed to fill Hell with 90% of the human dead. Which is plain perverse when, according to the manuals, the old bloke designed us in his image and then laid down laws impossible for anyone designed his way to follow. Perhaps he, with all the same ‘sins’ and ‘weaknesses’ as we his creations were made with is spending all his time in Hell being punished for being the same as us, in a hell of his own design? Poetic Deific justice. Anyway, even if I wasn’t due to fry, owing to some office mistake or miscalculation or a computer glitch in the Heavenly Halls – having written the above I haven’t a hope of getting into the ‘Nice’ place. Never mind, all those fluttery wings and harp music would soon drive me downstairs, no doubt sentenced for angel strangling.

    LIFE IS A TERMINAL ILLNESS


    I digress. Back to my terminal illness. I had decided, as all my friends will know, that were I to contract Covid-19, it would kill me. The theory is, since I have Atrial Fibrillation, a high fever would trigger that, which would trigger a stroke, which would whack me downstairs. Zap!

    So there I was staring at my death sentence, sending out Whatsapp messages to all my friends, tweeting my pleas for sympathy when one of my friends responded with, hang on, there’s a nasty nausea bug doing the rounds. Oh no, I cried dramatically, Google hath decreed my death and when has Google ever been wrong about a medical issue? I kind of forgot, mostly.

    …BUT NOT YET????

    I await my official NHS Government Covid test. Still feeling nauseous off-and on, but no fever. A good bout of AF this morning lying in bed listening to the Today Program failing to be interesting. But apart from nausea and the skipping of my errant heart (attempting to escape my chest) who knows how soon I’ll have the opportunity to beat up selfish squits in the delightful surroundings of legendary hellfire. Mind you, maybe that’s my Heaven? An eternity of Karate, revenge-orientated kicking and punching until Gotterdammerung and the Big Bloke Himself is condemned to pay for his crime in creating selfishness, disease and war just so’s he can have a laugh.

    UPDATE 11 September (my 9/11. How ironic.) I tested positive.

    Sigh.

    I love you all.

  • A Letter to Tony: IPCC

    A Letter to Tony: IPCC

    On a Local Green Party response to the IPCC Report

    Thanks for that very interesting analysis on the IPCC Report Tony. Extremely relevant especially the comparisons between the Green Party and IPCC interpretations of the crisis and planning for net zero by 2030.

    Tony, as a very unscientific person, it seems to me we are suffering an accelerator effect, and every day new factors emerge which we could not have predicted (eg releases of Methane from ‘sinks’ in Siberia and the possibility of bubbles or bombs of the gas; the effects on sea acidity and ice melts on currents etc etc) – to what extent are the ‘unknown unknowns’ taken into account?

    Apocalypse Now?


    I am also alarmed by the effects of only 1.1 or 1.2 degrees of heating above pre-industrial levels we are suffering at the moment. Sometimes it feels apocalyptic now. And we are cheerfully welcoming the possibility of holding the increase to 1.5 and optimistically assuming we can get it down in 20 ish years? Whatever, the next 20 years look very frightening indeed.


    The above probably summarises some of the feelings and worries of so many unscientific relatively informed people.

    Shall Troy Fall?

    So as the Green Party we are no longer Cassandra. The guards on the walls of Troy have seen the Greeks emerge from the belly of the wooden horse and now begin to believe us. All we slightly disagree on is how long Troy will take to fall.


    But how to mobilise the population to fight them?
    Without panicking them?

    PR and the Progressive Alliance

    Time to lay down ancestral enmities between the tribes? Unite and fight? We have had fun pointing out the hypocrisy of the Tories. Trumpeting their targets and allowing licences to be granted for North Sea oil and coal mines. Cancelling their green homes initiative. Frightened of annoying  their fossil fuel party donors or financiers. Watch as more conflicts emerge between Alok Sharma, Boris and Rishi. Too many conflicting agendas.


    We’ve had fun, too at pointing out Labour’s wishy-washiness on Climate Change, recently Keir Starmer has managed to stand up and shout out as best he can. Well it’s an improvement but we know well that Labour is a bunch of cats fighting in a bag.


    The LibDems? They’d support Paddington Bear if they thought he’d get them votes.


    So is the Progressive Alliance becoming as urgent as Climate Change itself? Realistically we will not see PR in the next few (many?) years. Before WW2 the parties realised that unity was essential in the Face of an evil existential threat. But do we. 

    Who we are and WHY


    Meanwhile! We are the Party that understands what I used to call ‘f&f’ to my pupils. Facts & figures. (Well, at least Tony & co do). We need to present ourselves as: (repeating what you know already)


    The Party that knows and understands Climate Change like no other. No point crowing ‘We Told You So!’ People know that; the Party which contains people who would make superb councillors, checking and balancing the Council’s actions on Climate; The Party that understands and engages with local issues; The Party that eschews hypocrisy but nevertheless contains real people with human flaws. A calm determined voice in a sea of troubles. Reassuring, informed, practical.


    Calm….Troy shall not fall. This time.

  • Will My Getting More Green Save my World?

    Will My Getting More Green Save my World?

    GREENIFICATION PART 3

    IPCC and me

    Today they told me, rather believably, that we’re (probably) doomed. The oceans will rise, the forests will burn, the heavens will dump the contents of a large lake on our heads....Darn! It’s happening already

    Today I learned

    That whatever I do

    It’s too late to defer

    The end of the world

    Probably

    Or at least the end 

    Of things that breathe

    And some things

    That don’t.

    So don’t pretend

    You can make me believe

    That a walk to the shops 

    Where I buy no things

    Or a cycle instead 

    (Last time I cycled

    I fell on my head)

    Will stop all the floods and the fire and the

    Food riots

    And the water wars

    And the land grabs

    And the miles of refugees

    Hungry desperate armed

    And the dystopian fulfilment

    And raucous laughter

    Of ghosts

    And even save the tortoise

    From eating a plastic bag

    And dying!

    So I’ve decided

    Not to live to a hundred.

    While I’d like to aim my finger

    Right at you

    And pull the trigger from which a flag would fly

    With the words ‘Told You So’

    Inscribed

    I’d rather die

    With a silly smug smile

    Before you get to tell me

    What a bore

    It all is.

    (Cassandra and me

    Perfectly)

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