All my sons and daughters
…on a personal note…this is private!
Having been, through circumstances, deprived of my beloved son I once had a son-shaped hole in the centre of my heart.
Despair was not an option and I now realise that I set out on a major project: find a son. Any son. The parameters for inclusion were: probably a lost soul. Hurt. In pain. Lost. Not loved enough. Or just unfulfilled.
How similar is this to the strategy of the pedophile who seeks out the vulnerable, the lost, the longing? Not much different I suspect. The main difference being I sought love above the belt, not below. And adamantly demanded nothing in return.
Love above the belt is SO much better than love below! It lasts longer for a start. It is neither illegal nor does it have to be circumspect. And it doesn’t make a mess on the sheets.
I think pedophiles get catastrophically mixed up. Messed up.
And a part of my self-justification was precisely that I would be protecting a vulnerable adopted son from the predators who seek out just such people.
As a teacher and Martial Arts instructor I began to meet so many sons. And daughters too! And I realised that I loved my pupils, in fact most of them. Highly inconvenient. There they sat in front of me. Needing so much of what I could give them – how to earn money. How to be ethical while doing it! Moral behaviour and thinking. How to defend themselves and gain some deeper understanding. How to build up self esteem. How to think and act with compassion. How to express themselves. How to access the cultural riches around them. How to at least attempt to overcome their own prejudices and those of others. How to respond to prejudice. How to respond to bullying and how not to bully. How to protect the weak. How to be objective. How to treat the opposite sex with respect. The whole liberal teacher list.
As best I could.
I failed often. Through hubris. Through ignorance. Through mistake. Through stupidity.
But some loved me back and taught me so much. And I certainly emotionally adopted a few of them over the years. Sons AND daughters. They mean so much to me and I know it’s mutual. Love above the belt! I heartily recommend it!
And now all these years later, twenty years later, I am to meet my own biological son again. And how do I feel?
I don’t know. Since he made contact again I have been in confusion. I know that deep inside there is a well of love for him and quite often it leaps up and takes me by the throat. He is not happy and I so want to fix that. Hubris! I want to make up for lost years. Impossible! I want to melt all the distance and resentment built up between us. How!
I guess all I can do is make a start.
I love you all.
Liebe und geliehen werden =To love and be loved – Krieger – Listen to the music.