What I Wish I Could Say – but don’t dare!
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Yesterday B M phoned me yet again. For about the thirtieth time. Each time I said, my property is NO LONGER ON THE MARKET SO BUZZ OFF and take me off your goddarned database. Each time they said fine and diarised another call. So yesterday I lost it. As in, “How many times do I HAVE to tell you the property is no longer on the market so buzz off….” and the idiot said, “Well I just wanted to touch base…” at which point I erupted with “and if you EVER call me again I will report you to…” splutter…”somebody or other!” At which point I slammed the phone down.

But I was still annoyed. So I didn’t give them another chance. I went to http://consumers.ofcom.org.uk/files/2014/05/easy-read-nuisance-calls-guide.pdf and following the guide, I reported the bastards.

I have since realised what I should do now:

Me: Hello, is that B M Chiswick?

Them: Good morning, B M, can I help you?

Me: May I speak to your Chief Negotiator regarding property?


Him: Good morning, Daniel Dickbody here. How can I help you?

Me: Well hello Daniel. I’m telephoning regarding a wonderful opportunity for you.

Him: (slavering) Please go ahead. Do you have a property for sale?

Me: No, but you do. In fact you have several. And I have a unique offer for you! For this week and this week only….

Him: Yes…

Me: Our psychiatry practice is offering a special deal for Narcissists and sufferers from PPD. Our treatment option includes full frontal lobotomy and all drugs thrown in for a one-off price of a mere £100 per week! And for this week only, the first treatment for Barnard Marcus employees is totally free! We include our Easy Guide to Pretending to be Human, as well as a How to Smarm through Every Insult….

Him: (Pause). Really~? Where do I sign?

I promise you: if they phone me ONE MORE TIME I will ensure that they reach for the Telephone Preference Service and Ofcom as enthusiastically as I did. Hey, I know MANY Estate Agents are human. Some are quite lovely. Just not the ones who have been phoning me.




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