With only 10 days to go before the MEGASAGA3 writing competition deadline, I’m gradually getting your knickers in a twist! Bad metaphor. I mean, confusion is setting in because when I receive a Megasaga3 entry, my job goes like this:
Read it for spelling grammar and punctuation! Is it written in English? Is it written in good English? Are there no more than 2 very minor grammatical mistakes? As you know I’m allergic to misplaced apostrophes, capitalisation, and so on.
Read it again for content. Is it any good? By which I mean, does it grab my attention? Is it interesting? Is it even gripping?
Read it again for a score. If it passes the above tests, I will score it and write a brief report for myself.
THEN I will send it out by email to the other 3 judges without my score or report, for the judges to score for themselves and comment upon.
THEN on the 10th May, the arguments start. We share our scores and, using Google Docs and Zoom, we decide on the Shortlist.
The trouble starts at Stage 4, that’s when judges report that they haven’t received stories sent as attachments. The result is acute frustration and confusion.
PLEASE DO NOT SEND YOUR STORIES AS A WORD DOC OR PDF ATTACHMENT! Include it in the body of the email.
ENTRIES SO FAR
We have had some great entries from all over the world! It really upsets me that there is only one prize. But you can be sure that being included on the shortlist is a massive compliment to the excellence of your writing, the power of your imagination and your guts and courage in entering your work into a competition.
So, if you haven’t yet submitted your MEGASAGA, GET WRITING! Remember, this is a FREE competition and each finalist will get some good, useful comments and criticism which can only make you a better writer.
See the link below for Megasaga requirements and competition rules.
This is the WRITING COMPETITION which can WIN YOU A POUND A WORD!
ALERT! UPDATE 2, 24th APRIL! SEE BELOW !
What is a MEGASAGA?
A MEGASAGAis a story in 100 words. EXACTLY 100 words, including the title. This is the third Megasaga Writing Competition I’ve run, and for people (like me) stuck at home with cops outside, feeling like I’m in solitary confinement (apart from YOU of course, my loyal fan!) this is the perfect time to get creative!
ANYBODY CAN ENTER, AND AS A GIFT TO YOU, ENTRY IS FREE!
ANYBODY CAN WRITE A MEGASAGA! Look back at my website for the winning entries in the last writing competition, and some of the Megasagas I have written. See under Short Stories
Blake bit his lip. Had he just transferred the virus from the tin of peas to his eye? Rubbed it in? During his trip to the supermarket he had been careful! Be OCD, his mum had said and he had been. He never left the house without mask, gloves, sanitiser. When he got home, he would wash the packaging before storing. In vain? When the tin fell out of the bag half way across the road he had picked it up, rebagged it and then, hand to face! Damn! He shouted as the 261 bus ran over him.
EXACTLY 100 words including the title. Count them!
It doesn’t have to be dark…
I’d love to read some humorous Megasagas. Make us laugh, make us cry, make me SEE the characters, the action. THE SECRET: Editing! The secret of good editing is to cut, cut and cut, even when you feel as if this is slashing your own arm, an act of cruel self-harm as you watch some of your most treasured phrases disappearing into superhyperspace. (There is probably a planet where dearly beloved excised phrases from all the authors in the universe live, eternally weeping for their cruel exile. Now here is a thought that should have been sent packing to that planet!)
And that’s just Part 2. Read the hints and tips on this website part 3, 4 5 and (I think) 6 too.
THE COMPETITION: RULES
Submissions must be exactly 100 words including the title and must be entirely original, unpublished and the work of the person making the submission.
Submissions must be emailed to jonelkon3@gmail.com. The subject line should contain MEGASAGA ENTRY 3.
No more than 3 entries per person may be entered.
No correspondence will be entered into.
The DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES is 10th MAY
The 10 SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will appear on this website on the 20th of MAY 2020, allowing my readers to make comments and to cheer for their favourites. No entries are accepted after this date.
The SHORTLISTED ENTRIES will be submitted to a panel of 3 writers, who will make the decision as to who will win the £100 prize. The judges’ decision is final.
The WINNER will be announced on this website on the 31st of May 2020 – and the prize will be rushing his/her way by Paypal or bank transfer!
This competition is subject to the laws of the United Kingdom governing competitions.
Be HAPPY. Be CAREFUL. Stay alive please.
I love you all.
UPDATE 16th APRIL
Hello writers!
Exciting times! Entries are beginning to flow in, and some of them are wonderful to say the least.
The first important update is that I have had to change the dates, as a result of a stupid slip-up which was pointed out to me by one of the judges, I hadn’t really given them enough time to select the shortlist, so do make a note of the dates above. The important date is the deadline for submissions, which is still the 10th of May. Very soon! Get writing!
Random thoughts on submissions so far: No Megasaga, no matter how brilliant, will be accepted if it’s not PRECISELY 100 words, including the title. Brilliant as it may be. Here’s another one: one submission IS very good, but contains a glaring grammatical mistake! I’m confused. The judges will confer…
Many of the entries are not really stories. Some are political rants, some philosophical musings, some purely descriptive (as I said to Mariet). I look forward to stories with beginning.middle and end. See the example above, and please look at the other examples under Short Stories on my website.
But please don’t be too self-conscious. If it’s good, I will love it and the judges will too. Or they get fired. Just take a risk, put your writing out there! This competition is free, and is part of my program to encourage writing, especially amongst those who don’t usually write, or enter competitions. And as a South African writer with many of my fans and readers in that country, I am so happy to get entries from my homeland. Although anyone, from anywhere may submit. And win.
Note: Every shortlisted story will get free feedback on their style and content.
I love you all. Did say that already?
UPDATE 2: 24th April
Welcome back! To me, as well as to you. I have had a bitter little battle with hackers locking me out of my website. But luckily, I have friends….and thank goodness, I can now get back to you!
Wow. Some of the entries are awesome, and show that some people actually READ all the wonderful writing tips I put up on my website. Here are some more for you: scroll down through my blog posts, and there are many little gems for you wonderful writers out there.
But PLEASE even if you are not usually a writer, TRY. Everybody has something to say and whether you win or not is not the issue. It’s whether you WRITE or not. Remember, if you want an opinion on a Short Story or short piece, I’m happy to feed back if you email jonelkon3@gmail.com with the heading Please review. If it’s longer, eg a novel or a play etc, different. I am a busy bloke, and can’t promise always to help.
So here’s a little exercise for you, if you find yourself out of ideas: Study this picture –
What do you see?
If I were to say, the title of the picture is LOCKDOWN, now what do you see?
Study the elements in the picture: a man’s gold watch, large. A woman’s silver watch, lurking behind, and in the shadow, of the man’s. Then there is a Chinese coin. And the whole thing rests in a Chinese bowl….Now write the story!
Can you write it as a MEGASAGA in only 100 words? `
Or a Short Story. Email it to me, and if it’s a MEGASAGA 3 entry, remember to put MEGASAGA ENTRY 3 as the title!
This blog is the first of a series which should give you strategies for getting through 12 weeks of isolation. These strategies are the result of brilliant insights gained at 3.52am every morning, when my eyes pop open and, with a groan, I contemplate yet another day on my prison island.
Instructions
Copy & Paste the following into Notes (if you have an iPhone) or wherever you can keep useful stuff on your inferior iPhone clone.
I am in lockdown on Isolation Island and to prevent insanity I am reaching out to everyone I know to say, https://youtu.be/8f1z-nHvt3c (skip ad!) There is no need to reply, but if you want to, please send me one brilliant tip for surviving the Plague. Here’s mine: Open your CONTACTS or ADDRESS BOOK and send this message to everyone in it.
Go through the As in your Address Book, deleting anyone you haven’t heard from or spoken to in the past year.
Send this message to all the remaining A’s using Messages, or WhatsApp, FB Messenger, Facebook, or whatever method you enjoy most.
Wait for responses. Delete anyone who doesn’t reply (Unless it’s Aunt Flopsy who never reads messages, lives on Flopsy Island and eats children).
from the author of whom Hilary Mantel wrote “…fairly waltzes the reader along…the mixture of the mundane and the fantastic is deceptively artless, the prose full of energy and humour, and beneath the playfulness there is an undertow of pain…”
Whether you enjoy drama, humour or satire, you will find a story to haunt or delight you on jonelkon.com. Read the selection below and if you want more click on blog, Short Stories and plunge into my mad world. You are very welcome!
SHORT STORIES: follow these links. Here’s a small selection from my website. There are many more!
DRAMA! A selection from the NASTY LITTLE THINGS collection…
Tube Surf: A life-or death contest on the London Underground has horrible consequences. This story was going to be a film until TFL put a ban on it! http://jonelkon.com/tube-surf-no-exit/
Albert: The guys downstairs get a dog, but the loner upstairs can’t stand it! With horrible consequences…http://jonelkon.com/albert/
Pillion: Would you be the pillion passenger on a motorbike driven by the guy whose wife you’ve just seduced?…http://jonelkon.com/pillion/
Darkness: A very dark post-Apocalypse tale. Cannibalism and murder are essential for survival…http://jonelkon.com/darkness/
Apocalypse Then: It’s the end of the world! Again! Written before the Corona Crisis, but very creepily appropriate. http://jonelkon.com/apocalypse-then/
There are many more! Explore!
HUMOUR: At times like this, laughter is better than medicine!
Report from Earth: An alien comes to Earth to assess it for possible colonisation, and accidentally becomes President of the USA! There are 4 reports. Read the first one here:http://jonelkon.com/report-from-earth/
QUICKIES: VERY short stories! Flash Fiction, for example. The story has to be no more than 500 words. And MegaSagas. No more than 100 words! I have run three competitions for MegaSagas, and have had wonderful entries. Check http://jonelkon.com/the-megasaga-100-goes-to/
There will be more competitions! Keep an eye on jonelkon.com!
Have a look through the Short Stories section and you will find several Flash Fiction and Megasagas written by me….
SHORT STORIES FROM RAGAZZO, my novel-in progress.
Some Sex: Can a castrato have sex? In the 1920s, preparations for the production of a Handel Opera go nuts …http://jonelkon.com/some-sex/
Intermezzo: In the 1880’s, Sr Capodimonte, a director of Opera at La Scala Milan, finds himself the victim of a blackmail which could destroy his career….http://jonelkon.com/intermezzo/
THE BLOG!
Years of musings, madness, rants, roaming through politics, philosophy and people in a collapsing world. You will be amused, alarmed, angry, but never bored. Surf through the months and read whatever appeals to you. http://jonelkon.com/blog/
THE POETRY
A few selected poems from my collection SOME DAY SOON. If you like them, get the book! Amazon, natch or link below.http://jonelkon.com/category/poetry/
THE BOOKS
If you enjoy my writing read my books! Escape to the world of Apartheid South Africa in the sixties in UMFAAN’S HEROES. Or London in the seventies – hippies, drugs and spies in LASZLO’S MILLIONS. Then, visit the British outback – a suburban world in which Sally has decided not to accept her cancer, and to do absolutely anything to beat it, including murder in SALLY’S ROAD.
Details in the side panel.
…and look forward to my next novel RAGAZZO which will delight and amaze! A serial killer stalks the world of Opera in the 1920’s. And maybe he has every right to be somewhat miffed….!
Well, I asked for it and I got it. Having posted a satirical flippant article on The Virus, I wanted to know if my readers regarded it as inappropriate in these early days of the global pandemic. The answer was, by a narrow margin, that I should take it down. I have therefore done that by deleting every paragraph except the last one (thank you Mariette for the suggestion. Of course you are quite right.) I will write a few words below here, as a replacement.
I want to thank all of you who got in touch either here or by email. It’s very heartening to know how many people enjoy (or hate) my writing.
Next week there will be another blog on this, or another subject. If you would like to read the original blog for your personal and private amusement, (do not share!) send me an email.
Hello dear readers
I have just learned that my partner of 38 years has contracted Coronavirus. As we were together in the aftermath of my accident, there is a high probability that I may have been infected. I am asymptomatic at the moment, but this could change any time. I am very concerned about Partner, who is alone in Shropshire. This could be another reason I no longer regard the Pandemic as a subject for levity. If I get the disease my chances of dying are around 45% owing to my age and pre-existing conditions. Partner will survive.
What a great lesson this is being for me. Summed up in “all very well, until it affects YOU.” And it will. Until we’ve been through the rite-of passage, the test Covid puts us through, no-one can feel safe.
This frightening disease is getting closer to each one of us by the minute. How many people do you know with it? As each day passes, that number will grow. And then, in the words of Niemoller, “…and then they came for us”.
So PLEASE, because I love each and every one of you (including Grigor!)
Wash those hands lots
Self-isolate if in any doubt (I have!)
If in public, keep your distance. 2 Metres, not 1!
If you’re one of those people I saw swarming around Borough Market on TV last night, or any other market, or shop, GO HOME! You have a duty to others and to yourselves and to your family.
Coronavirus is nothing to laugh about. Not until the danger is passed at least. Yes I know we all need to be uplifted. Leave that job to Netflix and the others.
If you GET it, once you have recovered, go out and help others.
Thus endeth the lesson. And endeth my replacement blog. So again, thank you all and I’m very sorry.
EXCUSES
A serious note. I apologise to you all for not having blogged for some time. This is the reason: I had a serious bike accident. My scarf caught in the wheel of my bike and sent me flying. I fell on my head and have just spent a great deal of time in St Mary’s Serious Trauma Unit. I will blog about this in more depth when I can bear to tell the story without welling up at the extreme kindness of strangers.
A BIKE HELMET SAVED MY LIFE. IF YOU DON’T WEAR ONE WHEN CYCLING YOU’RE A DICK.
Two recent Facebook posts and a movie have punched me gently but firmly in the middle of my abdomen, where my conscience lives.
Post one: a shocking picture of a young gay woman, face streaming with blood. She had been randomly attacked by a stranger. The comments, naturally, full of outrage.
Post two: two graphics of a man and a woman having an argument. In the first, there is insult and conflict. In the second, she wears a fake moustache and his response is to smile.
Both were posted by the same person, a beautiful friend.
I wrote this comment on the second post:
“Contrast this with the unprovoked attack on the lesbian woman above. Ironies and a feeling of dis – ease. Maybe there’s a difference in challenge and aggression when it’s between relatively intelligent people seeking a resolution? As opposed to attack by a moron. As a teacher of martial arts for many years I try to teach non-violence and psychological self- defence as well as powerful resistance to violence where essential. These two posts (attack on lesbian and conflict resolution via humour here) contrast two responses to aggression: in the first, the woman could not have stopped the attack with a false moustache. I apologise for this, but frankly if I saw her on the street in that state, once I made sure she was ok my instinct would be to set forth after her attackers with every intention of beating the shit out of them. Not appropriate for one who follows Karate-do! Or Bushido!“
Once I did just that. But that’s another story which will be fictionalised in Cassie’s Game, the TV Series I’m working on. I was young. Stupid.
I’m much more sensible now. I tell my pupils there are three levels of threat: light, medium or heavy. For light threat pull away, laugh, make a joke. If it ramps up, say “If you hit me I’ll tell my mommy! And she’ll cry! And it will be your fault!” Or, say sorry, at fault or not. Then, if it moves to level 3 and you can’t run away or yell for help, hurt the bastard hard, fast and sudden. THEN walk away and get help.
Clearly in the first case none of these strategies would have worked. Owen Jones had the same experience: nutters erupting from the cage of their own prejudices and lashing out. The only thing this woman can do is to hope there were witnesses or CCTV and get the law to do its job. In Owen Jones’ case the attackers were caught, prosecuted and will be sentenced this week.
But it was the movie which made me utterly sick of, repulsed to my depths by the stupidity of people I once admired far too much. Yes, I know – the Holocaust, the Crusades, the Pogroms, the persecutions, attacks, random killings with which we humans have scarred our history. And which are all the proof I need there is no god. But in a way my response to these has been intellectualised disgust, and after all they are none of them personal.
The Japanese invasion of China. Nanking. There they were, my heroes. The Japanese soldiers, their katanas swinging at their sides. Invading an innocent nation. Their strategies: terror, rape, murder. This people with their spirituality, their Warrior Code, their art and poetry. Sure the Germans were as bad or worse! But they weren’t carrying katanas.
Since I started Karate in 1976 with the godlike Sensei Enoeda, I had revered the Japanese. Enoeda was the ultimate gentleman. Humorous, wise, and a superb instructor in the art of causing corporeal destruction to an enemy. But he did it with the Dojo Kun, a set of precepts we had to recite at the end of every lesson, ways of thinking and being developed by Funakoshi, the founder of modern Karate.
The English translation goes as follows: “Exert oneself in the perfection of character; Be faithful and sincere; Cultivate the spirit of Perseverance; Respect propriety; Refrain from impetuous and violent behaviour“.
Great principles to live by, and since then I always have adhered to the letter and the spirit as best I can.
There are 91 at present awaiting approval. Wtf! How am I to know which are real and which are bogus nonsense from bots and other web-crawling pondlife? With Viagra or stadium lighting to sell or looking for an opening for a hack, a virus, a trojan? Or even with nice websites I would enjoy even though they don’t read my blogs?
Safest strategy: just delete all. So if you’re a real person who reads my blogs and wants to make a genuine connection with the content, or with me – and I haven’t posted or responded to your heartfelt comment, I apologise. If you engage with the content I’m more likely to engage with you ok?
To the time wasters: send as much nonsense as you like, it goes straight to the Spam folder. Last time I posted a blog about this ghastly phenomenon I was suddenly overwhelmed with a huge increase in the spam volume. Maybe the bots have a sense of humour?
To my dearly beloved readers: Hi. I hope you are well, certainly better than I am at the moment. Yesterday I had a flying lesson over the handlebars of my bike – my scarf had wound itself around the front wheel and I almost did an Isadora Duncan (if you’re too lazy to google her, she was a very famous dancer in the 20’s killed when her scarf wound itself around a wheel of a sports car) – although flipping up in the air outside Sainsbury’s is just not even remotely romantic.
The damage was to nose and forehead, which made stunning acquaintance with the sidewalk and bled all over the place. A wonderful New Zealander called Matt I think (works locally. Good chap) checked me out and sent me home.
So now I have to go into a school and do a Thingy. With a great blob of scab in the middle of the nose and a bruise on the forehead. “Hey Sir, you’ve got a squashed cockroach on your nose!” “Yeh kiddo, want one?” would not be an appropriate response.
My screenwriting partner G is a fan of gangster movies. When he read “Directed by Martin Scorsese. With Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, Harvey Keitel….”a seraphic beam of fulfilment splashed itself over his handsome features, as if his latest girlfriend had finally admitted to being a millionairess. “Got to see this!!!” He said, and he ran right out of our critical script conference and straight to the nearest cinema showing this much-hyped movie.
After all, Bradshaw in the Guardian had splashed out the full five stars in his review. And he wasn’t alone.
G was more than effusive with his praise, having sat through the entire hours and hours of the thing, so of course he insisted I see it. Being rather more patient than he is, I waited until I could get it on Netflix. I saw it last night.
And this is what I wrote to him this morning:
“On Irishman: I cannot share your enthusiasm for stories about the interactions between narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. I don’t care who kills whom, I just want them all imprisoned or dead. Our film is about the effects and actions of a single such character and the massive impact she has on those about her. She is a stone dropped into a pond. The characters in Irishman are swamp creatures tearing each-other’s throats out for territory and their massive bruised egos. Continually throwing stones at each-other. Yes there is some fascination. The performances and the writing are of course faultless. It’s the subject matter that leaves me cold.
“It is also annoying: America’s gun culture is glorified. The scene when he decides which guns to use for a killing, giving his v/o reasons, would delight any psycho gun nut. Sure, we normals are repulsed, but that’s not the point. A psycho would love the great hints and tips on how and when to murder, with what, and what to do with the gun afterwards.
“This movie exemplifies everything that is rotten right at the heart of America. Perhaps that’s why it was written and produced – the actors and producers haven’t been shy about their detestation of Trump. And yet they serve up this confection, which Trump’s base will adore.”
To which G replied:
” I get why you felt that way about The Irishman. They’re all rotten characters and I like how Scorsese doesn’t apologise or justify their actions, like perhaps a lesser director would have done. When the priest asks Deniro in the end whether he has any remorse, he plainly says no. In the gangster genre, I think it’s even worse when directors take these characters and glorify them into heroes. So I’m a fan of Scorsese for that – he doesn’t make any excuses for them. I also feel like it‘s an incredibly timely film with everything going on in America at the moment. Hoffa and Trump are cut from the same soiled cloth, and I know Scorsese and DeNiro despise Trump so I’m sure that was a motivation behind making the film.”
So my question is: is it ok to continue to glorify assholes? I mean there’s nothing wrong with the ass as a body part, but it does emit some dreadful smells. The stench of the rise of the populist right is proof of that. But of course gangster movies have been around for a very long time.
So has the populist right.
I really don’t want to open the hoary old debate about which came first, the glorification of guns and violence or the movies, books and programs which appear to glorify killing, nastiness, war. Frankly, I think testosterone came first. We humans kill for fun, as well as for territory or food or politics. We’re just not very nice.
Which takes me back to the debate in my last blog: are we worth saving? Are we evolving?
Finally I read Voltaire’s Candide! What a splendid farrago of nonsense woven apparently drunkenly or high on something more exotic, around a profound philosophical debate between optimism and pessimism. The characters of Pangloss the eternal optimist “everything is for the best “ and Martin “I am a Manichean and believe in the battle between good and evil” in contention for the soul of our naive hero Candide whose adventures in pursuit of his adored Ms Cunegrund take him all over the world.
How long have I been Candide! Chasing all over the world in pursuit of a chimera, a ghost, a soul.
So these are the possibilities:
Theory 1: All is for the best!
Ultimately there is a Supreme Being who has it all planned, to the extent that the actions interactions and reactions of us humans are someway important and leading somewhere. This is the view of evolution that says fine, there is a direction and a destination. Much as individuals may suffer sometimes the journey is toward perfection
Maybe we are destined to abandon our bodies in favour of what we are now calling AI, Artificial Intelligence, which we will ultimately call Us. When we are no longer organic – or analogue – we become digital. As digital beings we can travel easily to the stars snd colonise the universe. My sympathies, universe!
Theory 2: It’s a shitshow!
… a mishmash, a mess. We humans came about as a result of a series of 99.9% impossible events. . Well, it took a very long time, 4 billion years or so, which does make this theory believable. After all, if there was some kind of god or purpose to it all, wouldn’t he/she/it have put this together in half the time? And so what has emerged is a smattering of versions of human, generally divided into 2 tribes: us, and them. Of course They refer to themselves as Us. And us as Them.
This goes further. Here are the characteristics of Us: Right And Them: Wrong Also. Us: Good Them: Evil Manichean, eh?
So, which is right? 1 or 2? Poor Candide who had to travel the world tried so hard to work it out. And in the end, decided that it was entirely irrelevant.
Cultivate your garden!
3. Cultivate your Garden!
Ultimately Candide finds his beloved and she’s ugly! Dried up, fat. Yes she becomes good at making pastry and the others of his party all find skills and occupations which please them. But committed to marrying her, he settles down to a life of cultivating his garden.
I have no garden, although I look down on one from my first floor window. I can watch the neighbour, shirt off in the globally-warmed evening, chopping snipping digging and shovelling, while my news sources burn with approaching doom. (Although let it be said I have the privilege of staying sometimes in the Shropshire Hills where my putative other family have a lovely garden. Above, some of the produce thereof.)
A Conclusion of Sorts
And so, I prefer to quietly determinedly and studiously cultivate the wider garden. Message: skip this part if you don’t like messages! Because it’s about the fact that our world garden is under terrifying threats: Climate Change, pollution, war, stupidity.
So my way is to work with those who really care and want to defend our garden, whether they are believers in Theory 1 or Theory 2. Because, dears, it really doesn’t matter who is right. What matters is who takes care of the garden.
